Posts Tagged ‘STFU! of the Week’

Who's been sleeping in Shaq's Superman bed?

Shaq Diesel. Shaq Fu.  M.D.E. (Most Dominant Ever). The Big Aristotle. The Big Baryshnikov. The Big Twitterer.  Shaqovic.  The Big Banana.  Shaqtus. Shaquille O’Neal has many nicknames.  But his favorite has to be Superman.  It was one of his first.  He has it tattooed on his arm.  And anyone who’s seen that episode of MTV Cribs with Shaq knows it’s emblazoned all over his ridiculous mansion.  And he does not take kindly to having it co-opted by Dwight Howard.  Shaq whined about it loudly after the Cavs beat the Magic last week:

I don’t really consider it manning up until you play me straight up.  I’ve never doubled anybody. So you tell me who the real Superman is… Don’t compare me to nobody.  I’d rather not be mentioned.  I’m offended.

When asked about the beef, Shaq’s teammate LeBron James – something of a connoisseur of bloated nicknames himself – said, “The whole Superman thing kind of bothers him… That’s definitely his nickname.”

Um… Okay.  Let’s all just step back for a second and take a deep breath.  Because these are some real grown-man issues and we need to address them in a calm and careful manner.  Shaquille O’Neal is a certain Hall-of-Famer, top-five center all-time, billionaire mega-celebrity with four championship rings, one season-MVP award, three Finals MVP awards, fifteen All-Star selections, two scoring titles, four rap albums and one Razzie nomination (surprisingly NOT for Kazaam).  And this is what he’s worried about.  A nickname.  For just a couple hundred of his bazillion dollars, I’ll call the fucking idiot whatever he wants.  All. Night. Long.  Feel Me?  Call me The Big No Homo.

Now let’s see what Dwight Howard said for a comeback:

[I]f he wants to be Superman, he can be Superman… I would like, instead of people fighting over a nickname, for us to be able to talk about what it’s like to win a championship. Just little things that him being who he is can help me… and I would just ask that somebody like Shaquille O’Neal to help me become a better basketball player and a better person.

Hmmm. Interesting.  Dwight went with the mature, measured, reasonable, thoughtful, saddened yet wise comeback; a devastating counterblow.

Maybe we should give Shaq some new nicknames: The Big Bitter Grape.  The Big Screwed-Up Priorities.  The Big Sic Transit Gloria.  Wait, I’ve got it…

How about The Big Shut The Fuck Up!

Yeah, that one works.

Shhh, don't wake the huge fucking baby.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Please drop his ass.

Please drop his ass.

Shaquille O’Neal is having quite the year. From becoming a twitter superstar to feuding with Stan Van Gundy to reliving the non-existent good ole days with Kobe at the All-Star game to shouting down his teammate Robin Lopez to having a restraining order slapped on him by a female rapper from Atlanta, The Big Annoying has been busy. Now, with the season still going on, even though his Suns have been mathematically eliminated from the Playoffs, Shaq seems to be pushing for a trade to Dallas.

With the Suns in Dallas earlier this week for a game that would decide their playoff lives (they lost), Shaq was twittering with Mavs owner Mark Cuban to set up a meeting and criticizing Suns owner Robert Sarver (while praising Cuban) in an interview.

This is gross. I know the NBA is a business and the players must look out for themselves but his team is still playing and Shaq is already jumping ship, dropping hints publicly about where he’d like to play next year (while apparently making moves privately) and throwing the guy who signs his paychecks under the bus. This is what Shaq does. He doesn’t just burn bridges – he torches the entire village first, then burns the bridge as an afterthought.

Congratulations, Shaquille O’Neal. You are A Fennis For Dembo’s SHUT THE FUCK UP! of the week.

In a precursor of things to come, Shaq does to Danny Ferry what he will do to the Suns organization.

Shaq does to Danny Ferry what he's about to do to the Suns.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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