Posts Tagged ‘Stan Van Gundy’

Some people just recently started talking about the Orlando Magic. Other people just recently started talking. A local story out of Orlando went national yesterday about Ryan Rodrigues, a boy with a paraylyzing shyness referred to as selective mutism, who found the courage to speak watching Orlando Magic games. The team has supplied him and his family with free tickets to playoff games and the Ryan has flourished socially. There’s only one problem. All he does is talk about the Orlando Magic. This boy will go from miracle child to most boring kid on the planet right quick. He’s no longer mute, but everyone around him will wish they were deaf.

Joking aside, it really is a pretty sweet story and if you queer out over things like this you should totally give it a read.

SVG has the opposite of selective mutism.

SVG has the opposite of selective mutism.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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The Finals, finally. Get your last basketball fix until Summer League starts up in a few weeks.


Only one of you gets to taste gold this time.

Only one of you gets to taste gold this time.

DUBBS:  Well, here we are folks.  The beginning of the end of another long season.  It all comes down to this, the matchup everyone’s been talking about the entire year:  Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers versus Lebron James and the Cleveland – wait, what?  THE ORLANDO MAGIC ARE IN THE FINALS?!?!  How the hell did that happen?  Somebody fucked up!  Does David Stern know about this?  He is going to have somebody killed.  Seriously, Jewish Steel In The Finals of Chaos.  What happens now?  What about the the Kobe vs. Lebron Vitamin Water ads?  And those awful puppet commercials they keep trying to force us into finding funny?  WHO WILL SAVE THE RACIST PUPPET COMMERCIALS?!

BROKEASS: That awful puppet looks as much like Dwight as it does Lebron. That’s about poor puppetry. And you know I have no tolerance for poor puppetry. I also have no tolerance for how long these damn playoffs run. I can’t even remember what they’re fighting about anymore. I don’t want this series to be played. I want them to shake hands and call it a draw. Just give the championship ring to Lebron so he can stop pouting and shake somebody’s hand already.

DUBBS:  You are racist because you think all Black puppets look alike.  This series is going to be fun.  Because it’s unpredictable.  Everything was so predetermined for the Finals.  Then Orlando won and suddenly it wasn’t.  The matchups in this series are funkier than expected.  Two very different teams are facing off.  And we don’t have to listen to the announcers go on and on about Kobe and Lebron every minute of every game.  This series could be a blowout or it could go seven.  I have no idea.  You need to get excited again.  To flip the script on Steph’s sage words – You’re caught up in life.  You need to get caught up in basketball.

BROKEASS:  You wouldn’t know fun if it sucked you off at an amusement park. I’m caught up in a playoffs as old as time. Orlando making it to the Finals would’ve been exciting a month ago. Now, they’re just one of the last two teams awake. All the champion wins is the right to turn off the lights.

DUBBS:  A month ago, Orlando couldn’t have made it to the Finals.  That Magic team and this current Magic team are very different.  This is a team that has become who they are during the playoffs;  really, only a couple of weeks ago during the Boston series.  A young team coming into their own versus a veteran team expected to be there.  A young superstar trying to emerge as a dominant force and win his first championship versus an aging superstar trying to cement his rep as one of the greatest to ever play the game.  If this doesn’t wake you up, I think it’s time for me to trace my penis on your forehead.

BROKEASS:  I’m awake! I’m awake! Put your marker away. You could draw any penis, why does it have to be a self-portrait? The Lakers are awake, too. That Houston series guaranteed LA wouldn’t be sleepwalking through any more of the playoffs. Not discounting the Magic, LA is better. In retrospect, Orlando had clear advantages in the previous three rounds. Advantages that favored their best players. This time, far less so. Their positional advantages are no longer aligned with their positional strengths. If both teams play to the level of expectation, the Lakers will win.

DUBBS:  But who knows what the expectations are for Orlando?  The goalposts have shifted several times for them throughout the Playoffs.  They could show up with a Just Happy To Be Here vibe and get stomped.  Or they could show up and work hard and beat a team NOBODY’s giving them a chance to beat, just like last round.

BROKEASS: Is Orlando really better than we expected? Or are Cleveland and Boston worse? LA can’t be faulted for not exceeding expectations when expectations were for them to be fighting for a championship in June. They are. No one thought that Orlando would get this far and no one thinks they will win it. Sooner or later the critics will probably be right. This isn’t a challenge to the Magic’s resolve. They are the worse team in the series. If Dwight goes off like he did in the Conference Finals, sure, anything could happen. But the Lakers are younger, bigger, and healthier on the block than the Cavs.  If Boston could curtail him, he will be truncated by LA. There’s a subtle difference. Orlando needs to pick a point guard before anybody starts worrying about them.

DUBBS:  They need to stick with Rafer because he got them there and you don’t switch your lineup all around headed into the Finals.  Rafer seems to be developing a taste for the big moments.  And there’s no bigger moment than the NBA Finals.  If Jameer is healthy and not too rusty (which is a big if), bring him in as a backup.  But let Rafer lead the team.  Still sort of a scary thought.  That thing we complained about each round?  That Dwight Howard should be unstoppable but wasn’t?  Well, he is now.  Dwight Howard is a man. Andrew Bynum is a boy.  Pau Gasol is an old Spanish woman.  And Lamar Odom is a Diabetic coma waiting to happen.  Magic Shooters stay hot.  Dwight manhandles.  Stan Van keeps his cool (ha) and triumphs.  Orlando in 7. Magic Fan, I’m with you!

BROKEASS: Not even Mighty Dwight can steal a rebound from LO on a Skittles buzz. Odom, Gasol, and Ariza counterpoint Lewis, Turkoglu, and Pietrus (that’s right, a Mickael Pietrus reference before a series. You growing up, Barefoot!) better than any team in the league. And Kobe hasn’t even been mentioned yet! I’ll give Counrtney Lee more credit than we have in previous rounds. But donning that mask will be the only thing that prevents Kobe from breaking his face. A rookie standing between Black Mamba and a Shaq-less championship? As the kids say, laugh out loud. I agree with you about Skip and think, no matter how you slice it, point guard is an advantage the Magic hold. It’s an important one, and coupled with this coming-of-age big man you keep talking about, worth about two games. Lakers in 6. Countless LA douchebags, I’m siding with you.

Every one of our predictions, even the ones we disagreed on, have come true. The Finals will be no different.

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Stan Van Gundy was just as shocked as the rest of us.

Stan Van Gundy was just as shocked as the rest of us.

When an underdog defies all odds by beating an overwhelming favorite, we tend to say that no one thought it could be done. This is slightly inaccurate. No one, except the team itself, thought it could be done. In the case of the Orlando Magic, the superlative may actually be true.

Orlando is thinking long and hard about returning injured point guard Jameer Nelson to the lineup far ahead of schedule. They are referring to Nelson’s ailment as a “season-ending shoulder injury.” That is another slight inaccuracy. Yes, Nelson has been debilitated with a shoulder injury. But the season-ending part was the result of a timing-optional surgery the team chose for mid-season because serious title contention was a longshot.

Surprising EVERYONE, they made it to the final two teams. Their ultimate opponent is the Los Angeles Lakers and that only adds to the desire to test Jameer. He was the Magic’s best player in two close victories over LA, dropping 27 and 28 on the defenseless Lakers.

I am sure Jameer Nelson is pushing hard for this. In sports, the only thing harder than losing is watching your team win without you. Jameer has discovered a deeper ring of hell: Watching your team win with Rafer Alston instead of you.

I don’t know if it’s impressive that Orlando has beaten everyone’s expectations or depressing that the best team in the East gave up on their season in February. I guess I’m just happy we don’t have to endure any more of those puppet commercials.

Jameer Nelson has a case of the "Rafer Alston stole my position" blues.

Jameer Nelson has a case of the "Rafer Alston is stealing my championship" blues.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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"I think I like Stan now."  "Me too!  Wanna shower together?"

"I think I like Stan now." "Me too! Wanna shower together?"

I was upset at the number of times that they flopped last night. I mean, Ben Wallace and Mo Williams fell down more times than a baby learning to walk.” – Stan Van Gundy

As everyone who reads this site knows, I’ve long been a supporter of Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy.  People are always making fun of him for being fat and ugly, wearing mock turtlenecks, screaming during games like he got his nuts stuck in a bear-trap, and looking like he bought his suits in bulk direct from the asshole of the Men’s Wearhouse guy.  But that’s weak sauce.  Those jokes are too easy.  And making fun of someone’s appearance isn’t cool, it’s just mean.  Stan is an underrated coach, a teacher and a motivator. And dude-bro is a quote machine.

The above quote is great for a couple reasons.  First, Mo Williams’ entire performance in this series could accurately be described as resembling a baby learning to walk.  He has no idea what the fuck he’s doing out there and he keeps falling down and splitting his head open. (You remember being a kid, right?)  Second, this is the first and last time Ben Wallace has ever been described physically as a baby.  Ben Wallace is a great example of a little theory of mine I’ve dubbed The Reverse Benjamin Button theory.  Whereas Benjamin Button is born an old man and ages backwards, eventually becoming a baby, Ben Wallace keeps mysteriously growing older.  To quote a character in the film yet to be made of my theory, “His bones be ossified.”

In the same post-game interview, commenting on how many are pulling for a Lakers-Cavs Finals, Stan added:

This isn’t the BCS… people don’t get to vote for who they want to play.  We’re not in that ridiculous system.  This is real sports here, where you get to decide it on the court.”

As most of you know, Stan’s feud with the BCS dates back to when the BCS called Van Gundy out for… wait, no – that never happened.  Why is Stan taking shots at the BCS?  Who knows.  But it’s awesome.  The lesson to be learned here for all coaches, players and college football ranking selection systems is as follows:  Don’t come after SVG, or he will come after you.  Also, don’t not come after him, because he’ll still come after you.

ATP Rankings Committee… YOU’RE NEXT!

Posted by LA Dubbs

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If it bleeds, we can kill it.

If it bleeds, we can kill it.

He told us, ‘We all look like witnesses.’ That got us fired up.” — Dwight Howard on what Stan Van Gundy told his team at halftime.

I love this.  Stan taking shots at the whole Lebron myth machine to motivate his squad.  SVG and I have had our differences in the past.  Maybe I was too hard on him?  Or maybe me and Stan are just all up on some ‘break-up-to-make-up’ type drama.  Or maybe I’m just wired to root against frontrunners.  And there are no bigger frontrunners than the Cavs.  They haven’t won anything and they’re already being crowned.  They’ve beaten exactly nobody.  And also the Hawks.

God help me, I’m rooting for Orlando.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Eastern Conference Finals. The James Gang takes on Borelando.  Try to stay awake.


Laugh now, Dwight Howard.

Dwight Howard shows Lebron his game face.

DUBBS:  I refuse to give Orlando respect until they’ve earned it.  Everybody is acting like they did that last round.  Bullshit.  It took them seven games to best an injury-depleted and exhausted Celtics team.  If KG is healthy, Boston wins in 6 and Stan Van Gundy is back selling suits at Bachrach.  By the way, this refusal to give respect is exactly how i will raise my son, who hates me already, even in his non-existent state.

BROKEASS: Cleveland faces their first real tes…oh, BULLSHIT. Orlando is bum food. The max contract given to Rashard Lewis has become a symbol for their high-level mediocrity. Why isn’t Dwight Howard an unstoppable killing machine?!

DUBBS:  Because he’s not that good, that’s why.  He has no offensive game whatsoever.  He is completely stoppable.  And speaking of killer instinct, you know who lacks it big-time?  Wolverine in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  Man, did they neuter that character.  Seriously, that movie is like a $150-million, CGI-laden argument for the death penalty.  I don’t know how many times Wolverine leaves someone alive, only to have that person go on to murder tons more people.  And all these deaths could have been avoided if Wolverine had killed them when he had the chance.  He’s Wolverine, for Chrissakes!  He’s a killer!  Dwight Howard also lacks killer instinct.

BROKEASS: So does your imaginary future son. Orlando does have an advantage at…uh…no…they’re…um…taller?

DUBBS: Maybe the Cavs can strap Boobie Gibson to the top of Delonte West to make some sort of MasterBlaster version of a real NBA-sized player to throw at Orlando’s bigs. But they won’t even have to resort to fun stuff like that.  Cleveland has Lebron so the rest izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

BROKEASS: Where did you go? You were just talking about Lebron and then zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

DUBBS:  Sorry, fell asleep there for a sec.

BROKEASS: Me too. Are we at the Finals yet?

DUBBS: Almost.  Cleveland has Lebrobot so the rest doesn’t matter.  The stage has been set. The rules have been changed to ensure his ascension.  Even if you were physically able to guard Lebron, which few are, you’re not allowed to.  Don’t touch the King.  I’ve never understood how a guy can be nicknamed King James before he’s won a title but I guess that just proves my point.  So it is written.  So it shall be done.  You are all witnesses.  Me, I’ll be watching the Red Wings.  Cavs in 5.

BROKEASS: The Cavs aren’t losing to any of the sludge festering in the East. Cleveland spent all season fighting and clawing for that Number 1 spot and the ensuing home-court advantage. Once again they won’t need it. Cavs in a far-too-long 4.

Tune in throughout the Playoffs for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

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"I love you, dawg." "I love you too, dawg.  Let's get married."

"I love you, dawg." "I love you too, dawg. Let's get married."

The NBA suspended Rafer Alston one game for his slapfight with Eddie House.  Rafer apologized to his team and Magic fans (who?), but said he’d probably do it again under the same circumstances. “Part of it is being a man,” Alston said.  True that, Rafer.  Slapfighting is one of the key rituals of manhood, along with carb-free diets, manicures, drinking appletinis with the boys and shaving your pubis.   I read all about it in Iron John.

Surprising absolutely no one (aka Magic fans), Stan Van Gundy had a lot to say about the suspension.  I’ll try to boil it down to the fucking cliffnotes:

“The problem that players have, coaches have, and fans have, is they can’t fathom that the slap to the head (by Alston), which was minor, was a one game suspension. And what Rondo did to Brad Miler was nothing.  David Stern says the league can’t take the chance injury, but I’d say the Rondo-Miller play had a lot greater chance of injury than what Rafer did to House.”

What SVG is saying about the Rondo-Brad Miller play is true.  Rondo probably should have been suspended.  But that play has absolutely nothing to do with the Rafer Alston-Eddie House incident.  The Rondo blow, although excessive, came about organically during the course of a basketball play; Rondo fouled Brad Miller to keep him from scoring and went a bit overboard.  It happens.  But slapping guys in the backs of their heads is outside of what normally takes place during a basketball game.  Hard fouls are part of basketball.  Slapfighting is not.  Rafer was essentially suspended for ‘conduct unbecoming an NBA player.’  And Van Gundy knows this.  So he should shut up, as usual.

Eddie House had this to say about the suspension: “I think it’s rightfully deserved. A play like that has no place in basketball. It’s a cowardly move like that, you hit somebody in the back of the head. It would be different if I was facing him, but he did it when I was turned away from him. The league felt it was right. I felt it was justified.

Oh my god.  I just agreed with Eddie House.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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