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Posts Tagged ‘Shaquille O’Neal’

Look at that picture.  According to ESPN, that picture is supposed to be evidence of how the Cavs are all business this post-season, as opposed to their light-hearted (gay) demeanor all season long.  Now they’re “focused like never before,” as evidenced by their “playoff glares.”

Please.  That picture looks like the poster for some low rent production of “Of Mice And Men” starring Shaq as ‘Lennie’ and Antawn Jamison as Lennie’s younger, even more retarded brother ‘Jeebus.’  I’m not buying it.  It’s weak sauce and ESPN shouldn’t be selling it.

But this is just part of ESPN’s ongoing suckjob on Lebron and the Cavs that is only gonna get worse as the Playoffs continue.  Spare me.  Spare us all.  ESPN trots out one of these ‘Lebron and the Cavs are so intense this post-season’ pieces every year.  Just shut up about it and win a ring already so I can start following Australian Rules Football instead.

Yeah, what a bunch of hardasses.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Who's been sleeping in Shaq's Superman bed?

Shaq Diesel. Shaq Fu.  M.D.E. (Most Dominant Ever). The Big Aristotle. The Big Baryshnikov. The Big Twitterer.  Shaqovic.  The Big Banana.  Shaqtus. Shaquille O’Neal has many nicknames.  But his favorite has to be Superman.  It was one of his first.  He has it tattooed on his arm.  And anyone who’s seen that episode of MTV Cribs with Shaq knows it’s emblazoned all over his ridiculous mansion.  And he does not take kindly to having it co-opted by Dwight Howard.  Shaq whined about it loudly after the Cavs beat the Magic last week:

I don’t really consider it manning up until you play me straight up.  I’ve never doubled anybody. So you tell me who the real Superman is… Don’t compare me to nobody.  I’d rather not be mentioned.  I’m offended.

When asked about the beef, Shaq’s teammate LeBron James – something of a connoisseur of bloated nicknames himself – said, “The whole Superman thing kind of bothers him… That’s definitely his nickname.”

Um… Okay.  Let’s all just step back for a second and take a deep breath.  Because these are some real grown-man issues and we need to address them in a calm and careful manner.  Shaquille O’Neal is a certain Hall-of-Famer, top-five center all-time, billionaire mega-celebrity with four championship rings, one season-MVP award, three Finals MVP awards, fifteen All-Star selections, two scoring titles, four rap albums and one Razzie nomination (surprisingly NOT for Kazaam).  And this is what he’s worried about.  A nickname.  For just a couple hundred of his bazillion dollars, I’ll call the fucking idiot whatever he wants.  All. Night. Long.  Feel Me?  Call me The Big No Homo.

Now let’s see what Dwight Howard said for a comeback:

[I]f he wants to be Superman, he can be Superman… I would like, instead of people fighting over a nickname, for us to be able to talk about what it’s like to win a championship. Just little things that him being who he is can help me… and I would just ask that somebody like Shaquille O’Neal to help me become a better basketball player and a better person.

Hmmm. Interesting.  Dwight went with the mature, measured, reasonable, thoughtful, saddened yet wise comeback; a devastating counterblow.

Maybe we should give Shaq some new nicknames: The Big Bitter Grape.  The Big Screwed-Up Priorities.  The Big Sic Transit Gloria.  Wait, I’ve got it…

How about The Big Shut The Fuck Up!

Yeah, that one works.

Shhh, don't wake the huge fucking baby.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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The pre-game pose possibilities are both endless and terrifying.

The pre-game pose possibilities are both endless and terrifying.

It’s been a wild week in the NBA; so wild that it woke a sleeping Fennis from his summer’s slumber. “Zzzzzzzz…Huh? Shaq MMA fight?…Zzzzzzzzzz…Uh what? Fab Oberto a Piston?…grgh…Zzzzzzzzzzzz.”

What woke me for good was the sound of the giant, Shaquille O’Neal, fee-fi-fo-fumming his way from Phoenix to Cleveland in exchange for Big Ben, Little Sasha, and the 46th pick in a draft stocked with five quality players. In other words, Phoenix gave Shaq away for free. And why wouldn’t they? Big Grumpitude had his moments (most of them were in the All-Star Game), but ultimately failed to help the Suns rise. He is paid too large a sum of money to simply tear a team apart with menopause.

He will probably do well in Cleveland and likely be the piece that elevates them to the top of the East again. The over/under is three minutes on how long before Shaq uses his pairing with Lebron to call out Championship Kobe. When a Shaq puppet appears slanderously rapping about Kobe having small genitalia I won’t have to say I told you so. You’ll just know, and we’ll nod at each other.

Ben Wallace will retire to Phoenix just like many an old Jew. Did you ever think Ben Wallace would be compared to an old Jew when he was a 6’7″ center putting up Hakeem-like board and blocks numbers as the top defender in the league? When Big Ben and Shaq were battling down low late in the 2004-2006 playoffs, did you ever think they would both be involved in a two-team salary dump?

For Shaq, this is his last chance. For Wallace, it’s just his way out. A playmaking sharp-shooter like Sasha Pavlovic actually might thrive in Phoenix, but that’s a story for another post. You can expect that post approximately…never. If you’re even interested in that post I want you to leave this site forever.

Look at Kobe all pretending not to listen.

Look at Kobe all pretending not to listen.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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The Finals, finally. Get your last basketball fix until Summer League starts up in a few weeks.

LOS ANGELES LAKERS VS. ORLANDO MAGIC

Only one of you gets to taste gold this time.

Only one of you gets to taste gold this time.

DUBBS:  Well, here we are folks.  The beginning of the end of another long season.  It all comes down to this, the matchup everyone’s been talking about the entire year:  Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers versus Lebron James and the Cleveland – wait, what?  THE ORLANDO MAGIC ARE IN THE FINALS?!?!  How the hell did that happen?  Somebody fucked up!  Does David Stern know about this?  He is going to have somebody killed.  Seriously, Jewish Steel In The Finals of Chaos.  What happens now?  What about the the Kobe vs. Lebron Vitamin Water ads?  And those awful puppet commercials they keep trying to force us into finding funny?  WHO WILL SAVE THE RACIST PUPPET COMMERCIALS?!

BROKEASS: That awful puppet looks as much like Dwight as it does Lebron. That’s about poor puppetry. And you know I have no tolerance for poor puppetry. I also have no tolerance for how long these damn playoffs run. I can’t even remember what they’re fighting about anymore. I don’t want this series to be played. I want them to shake hands and call it a draw. Just give the championship ring to Lebron so he can stop pouting and shake somebody’s hand already.

DUBBS:  You are racist because you think all Black puppets look alike.  This series is going to be fun.  Because it’s unpredictable.  Everything was so predetermined for the Finals.  Then Orlando won and suddenly it wasn’t.  The matchups in this series are funkier than expected.  Two very different teams are facing off.  And we don’t have to listen to the announcers go on and on about Kobe and Lebron every minute of every game.  This series could be a blowout or it could go seven.  I have no idea.  You need to get excited again.  To flip the script on Steph’s sage words – You’re caught up in life.  You need to get caught up in basketball.

BROKEASS:  You wouldn’t know fun if it sucked you off at an amusement park. I’m caught up in a playoffs as old as time. Orlando making it to the Finals would’ve been exciting a month ago. Now, they’re just one of the last two teams awake. All the champion wins is the right to turn off the lights.

DUBBS:  A month ago, Orlando couldn’t have made it to the Finals.  That Magic team and this current Magic team are very different.  This is a team that has become who they are during the playoffs;  really, only a couple of weeks ago during the Boston series.  A young team coming into their own versus a veteran team expected to be there.  A young superstar trying to emerge as a dominant force and win his first championship versus an aging superstar trying to cement his rep as one of the greatest to ever play the game.  If this doesn’t wake you up, I think it’s time for me to trace my penis on your forehead.

BROKEASS:  I’m awake! I’m awake! Put your marker away. You could draw any penis, why does it have to be a self-portrait? The Lakers are awake, too. That Houston series guaranteed LA wouldn’t be sleepwalking through any more of the playoffs. Not discounting the Magic, LA is better. In retrospect, Orlando had clear advantages in the previous three rounds. Advantages that favored their best players. This time, far less so. Their positional advantages are no longer aligned with their positional strengths. If both teams play to the level of expectation, the Lakers will win.

DUBBS:  But who knows what the expectations are for Orlando?  The goalposts have shifted several times for them throughout the Playoffs.  They could show up with a Just Happy To Be Here vibe and get stomped.  Or they could show up and work hard and beat a team NOBODY’s giving them a chance to beat, just like last round.

BROKEASS: Is Orlando really better than we expected? Or are Cleveland and Boston worse? LA can’t be faulted for not exceeding expectations when expectations were for them to be fighting for a championship in June. They are. No one thought that Orlando would get this far and no one thinks they will win it. Sooner or later the critics will probably be right. This isn’t a challenge to the Magic’s resolve. They are the worse team in the series. If Dwight goes off like he did in the Conference Finals, sure, anything could happen. But the Lakers are younger, bigger, and healthier on the block than the Cavs.  If Boston could curtail him, he will be truncated by LA. There’s a subtle difference. Orlando needs to pick a point guard before anybody starts worrying about them.

DUBBS:  They need to stick with Rafer because he got them there and you don’t switch your lineup all around headed into the Finals.  Rafer seems to be developing a taste for the big moments.  And there’s no bigger moment than the NBA Finals.  If Jameer is healthy and not too rusty (which is a big if), bring him in as a backup.  But let Rafer lead the team.  Still sort of a scary thought.  That thing we complained about each round?  That Dwight Howard should be unstoppable but wasn’t?  Well, he is now.  Dwight Howard is a man. Andrew Bynum is a boy.  Pau Gasol is an old Spanish woman.  And Lamar Odom is a Diabetic coma waiting to happen.  Magic Shooters stay hot.  Dwight manhandles.  Stan Van keeps his cool (ha) and triumphs.  Orlando in 7. Magic Fan, I’m with you!

BROKEASS: Not even Mighty Dwight can steal a rebound from LO on a Skittles buzz. Odom, Gasol, and Ariza counterpoint Lewis, Turkoglu, and Pietrus (that’s right, a Mickael Pietrus reference before a series. You growing up, Barefoot!) better than any team in the league. And Kobe hasn’t even been mentioned yet! I’ll give Counrtney Lee more credit than we have in previous rounds. But donning that mask will be the only thing that prevents Kobe from breaking his face. A rookie standing between Black Mamba and a Shaq-less championship? As the kids say, laugh out loud. I agree with you about Skip and think, no matter how you slice it, point guard is an advantage the Magic hold. It’s an important one, and coupled with this coming-of-age big man you keep talking about, worth about two games. Lakers in 6. Countless LA douchebags, I’m siding with you.

Every one of our predictions, even the ones we disagreed on, have come true. The Finals will be no different.

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Who don't wanna sex Mutombo?

With all the fragile big men in this series, who guessed it would be timeless Dikembe that falls?

The Pacific Northwest is infamous for its rainy seasons, but if you felt rain drops in Portland last night, they may have come from the eyes of a giant. On Tuesday, Houston’s Dikembe Mutombo tearfully said goodbye to his playing days.

He went down jostling for position in the post, just like he had a million times over his eighteen-year career. His leg tangled with that of Greg Oden and something gave out. It could have been either of them, and given Oden’s unfortunate health, one might have predicted it be him. Instead, it was Dikembe, falling for the last time.

“Nobody ever thought they’d be carrying the big guy out like a wounded soldier,” he said. I’m not sure that is true. Dikembe, like most players with more than a healthy supply of passion and heart, could not have left basketball any other way. They had to carry him out just to get him to leave the party.

It seems fitting that Oden was present at Dikembe’s Last Stand. Much has been unreasonably stated about Greg’s potential. He will not be the next Shaq or Kareem or Hakeem, or even Yao. If health and luck permit, he could find himself the second coming of Mutombo. This is no small praise of Greg’s abilities. After Bill Russell, Deke was the greatest defensive center of all-time.

Physiologically-speaking, it never hurt that Dikembe Mutombo was seven feet and two inches tall, with an even wider wingspan. But beyond that, he had an innate gift for tracking the ball quickest. When a shot clanged off the rim, he wasn’t just the highest in the air, he was the first. He didn’t just block a shot on length, he timed it. His patented finger wag was not just a symbol he had bested your body, but your mind.

For the better part of a decade, he was unmatched as a game-changing defender. He was also unmatched as the League’s most lovable large. Perhaps it is Greg Oden’s turn to be both. Their legs and destinies tangled last night, and the Fates decided there could be only one. The last of the old guard has fallen and the new era is fully upon us. Anyone else feel old?

Who doesn't wanna sex Mutombo?

Who wanna sex Mutombo?

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Please drop his ass.

Please drop his ass.

Shaquille O’Neal is having quite the year. From becoming a twitter superstar to feuding with Stan Van Gundy to reliving the non-existent good ole days with Kobe at the All-Star game to shouting down his teammate Robin Lopez to having a restraining order slapped on him by a female rapper from Atlanta, The Big Annoying has been busy. Now, with the season still going on, even though his Suns have been mathematically eliminated from the Playoffs, Shaq seems to be pushing for a trade to Dallas.

With the Suns in Dallas earlier this week for a game that would decide their playoff lives (they lost), Shaq was twittering with Mavs owner Mark Cuban to set up a meeting and criticizing Suns owner Robert Sarver (while praising Cuban) in an interview.

This is gross. I know the NBA is a business and the players must look out for themselves but his team is still playing and Shaq is already jumping ship, dropping hints publicly about where he’d like to play next year (while apparently making moves privately) and throwing the guy who signs his paychecks under the bus. This is what Shaq does. He doesn’t just burn bridges – he torches the entire village first, then burns the bridge as an afterthought.

Congratulations, Shaquille O’Neal. You are A Fennis For Dembo’s SHUT THE FUCK UP! of the week.

In a precursor of things to come, Shaq does to Danny Ferry what he will do to the Suns organization.

Shaq does to Danny Ferry what he's about to do to the Suns.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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"Seriously, washboard, man.  G'head, touch 'em."

"Seriously, washboard abs, man. G'head, touch 'em."

Earlier this week, Ron Jeremy look-alike, mock-turtleneck aficionado, and coach of the Orlando Magic Stan Van Gundy decided to take a shot at the New York Knicks for never hiring his current assistant coach (and former Knicks great) Patrick Ewing. Said fatty:

“I’m not trying to needle anybody or tell them their business,” Van Gundy said after Orlando beat the Knicks 106-102. “What’s amazing is they honor the guy, I don’t know, every year. They honor him, but while they’ve got a lot of ex-players in their organization, they’ve never made any move to try to hire him. That to me is amazing.”

This strange diatribe (slamming another team for not hiring a guy you currently employ?) came only weeks after the incident in which he decided to put Shaq on blast during a press conference for flopping. Which of course led to Shaq overreacting and trying to publicly ruin Van Gundy’s reputation, using his usual method: Always bring a gun to a tickle fight. At the time, my sympathies lay with Van Gundy. However, after this latest outburst, my sympathies for Van Gundy have disappeared faster than his penis beneath that massive gut of his (fat jokes – yeah, we got ’em).

Why did this guy decide it was time for him to start jacking off at the mouth all of the sudden? How is it his business who the Knicks decide to hire? Or how a player from another team plays? Who appointed him great righter-of-NBA-wrongs? Phil Jackson and Larry Brown pull this kind of crap once in a while but they’re two of the winning-est coaches in basketball history. They’ve earned the right to annoy us with their nonsense from time to time. Stan Van Gundy is a decent coach who’s never won a damn thing, couldn’t even make it out of the Eastern Conference Finals with Dwyane Wade and Shaquille O’Neal. After which, he was summarily ousted from his job by Pat Riley, as it seemed no one believed Van Gundy could get them to the next level.

Sit down, bitch.  I got this.

Sit down, bitch. I got this.

From my understanding, based solely on speculative and uncredited internet gossip, Patrick Ewing is a lot more invested in flirting with cheerleaders than coaching. And Ewing was brought in specifically to help Dwight Howard develop his game. What use would the Knicks have for this kind of specialized coaching? Is Ewing going to help Eddy Curry work on his cankles?

Stan Van Gundy has the most dominant center in the league in Dwight Howard and he can’t get out of the second round, so he should keep his mouth shut.

Congratulations, Stan Van Gundy, you are A Fennis For Dembo’s SHUT THE FUCK UP! of the week.

Take some time off dude, and go bike the sites, or whatever.

Stan Van Gundy prepares for his heart attack.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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