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Posts Tagged ‘NBA Playoffs’

Brokeass video! For no goddamn reason!

Posted by BA Brokeass.

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Straight outta the quaint suburban hood called Cleveland…

And James Johnson was never heard from again.

But when you look at it from another angle a different story is revealed.

And James Johnson was never heard from before. You can’t dunk on what never was.

James "Fat Crackhead" Johnson hopes this dunk will earn him a new nickname.

Fat crackhead.

Posted by BA Brokeass.

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Look at that picture.  According to ESPN, that picture is supposed to be evidence of how the Cavs are all business this post-season, as opposed to their light-hearted (gay) demeanor all season long.  Now they’re “focused like never before,” as evidenced by their “playoff glares.”

Please.  That picture looks like the poster for some low rent production of “Of Mice And Men” starring Shaq as ‘Lennie’ and Antawn Jamison as Lennie’s younger, even more retarded brother ‘Jeebus.’  I’m not buying it.  It’s weak sauce and ESPN shouldn’t be selling it.

But this is just part of ESPN’s ongoing suckjob on Lebron and the Cavs that is only gonna get worse as the Playoffs continue.  Spare me.  Spare us all.  ESPN trots out one of these ‘Lebron and the Cavs are so intense this post-season’ pieces every year.  Just shut up about it and win a ring already so I can start following Australian Rules Football instead.

Yeah, what a bunch of hardasses.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Old bones collide.

The Playoffs are here and the high-seeded Phoenix Suns are losing to a lower-seeded team.  Gee, what a surprise.

The 3rd seed Suns dropped their first game at home against the 6th seed Blazers who are missing their best player in Brandon Roy, not to mention Greg Oden, Joel Pryzbilla, Bill Walton and Jerome Kersey.

Why do I feel like I’ve seen this movie before?  The Suns have a great season and show up in the Playoffs only to have their asses handed to them by a team that plays defense.

And without the injured Robin Lopez, the Suns are small and soft.  Every time the broadcast cut to their bench, I kept wondering why assistant coaches Bill Cartwright and Dan Majerle didn’t just suit up and get in the game.  They’re both around the same age as Juwan Howard and Grant Hill, aren’t they?

Steve Nash is a great, Hall Of Fame player and he has had a fantastic, eye-opening season, but watching him play defense is like watching your grandparents fuck:  it’s disgusting, you worry someone’s going to get hurt, and you can’t help but feel like you could do it better.

Thank you… Goodnight!

Posted by LA Dubbs

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KG throws some 'bows (and shits his pants???).

At the end of Boston’s  Game 1 victory over the Heat on Saturday, Kevin Garnett was ejected for throwing an elbow at Quentin Richardson during a scrum after Paul Pierce fell to the ground with a shoulder stinger.

KG claimed that Q-Rich was standing over Pierce and he was just trying to clear some room for Paul.

Q-Rich saw things a bit differently:

“I was trying to get over there to take the ball out of bounds and [Garnett] started to talk to me, so I talked back. I don’t have any business talking to him, he was on the ground crying. I don’t know what was going on, two actresses over there, that’s what they are.”

‘Two actresses’!!!  I think I just fell in love with Quentin Richardson.  The kind of love born out of a sense of deep respect between two men.

Quentin (my new life partner) wasn’t finished though.  Speak on, Q!:

“I just get surprised by people’s actions when I know them better than that. They’re not those characters they portray. They’re not who they say they are, Garnett and Pierce, they’re good basketball players and that’s about it.

“I said to Jermaine, he’s OK because I knew nobody touched him,” explained Richardson. “Is he taking another break like he does so many times? Sometimes he falls like he’s about to be out for the season and then he gets right up, that’s all I said.

“I don’t like them, and they know it.”

Good stuff.  Welcome back, Playoffs.

The league suspended Kevin Garnett one game for the elbow.  But I’m sure Rasheed Wallace will pick up the slack.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Or not.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Aaron Brooks catches a nap before the endless NBA Playoffs begin.

Dubbs, you can pretend to care about these grown-ass men if it makes you feel better about aging, but me, I’m clinging to youth until the cops yank me off.

The NCAA Tournament is like when your cool-couple friends get married and everyone eats and gets drunk and dances until the reception hall smells like the dumpster behind a Taco Bell. The only downer at the cool-couple wedding is when your lame-couple friends who are soberly having fun for entirely different reasons have to remind everyone that their upcoming wedding will be just as much fun as this one. Everyone disingenuously agrees and begins hoping for a conflicting funeral or Bris that weekend. The lame-couple wedding is the NBA Playoffs.

Now I’m not saying the NBA should invoke a single-elimination, field of 64 tournament like college has. Mostly because there aren’t 64 teams in the league, which means non-NBA teams would have to be included like Benetton Treviso or the Rio Grande Valley Vipers or the New Jersey Nets. And no one wants to see that.

I’m not sure what I think the NBA should do differently, I just know the NCAA Tournament is better. Every year one NBA team’s city gets to declare, “We won!” at the end of the NBA Playoffs. Meanwhile, one million bracket champions get to declare, “I won!” at the end of the NCAA Tournament. It all sunk in while watching the final few seconds tick off the clock in West Virginia’s second round victory over Missouri on Sunday, gasping at every guffaw and heralding every heroic from “my team,” the victorious Mountaineers. I don’t care about West Virginia. I definitely done care about Missouri. Hell, I often forget they are states let alone colleges.  And yet there I was offering the focus of a doting parent to a game between two teams that don’t matter. Why? Because it affected my bracket, and the NCAA Tournament, more than any other playoffs, is about me rooting for me.

By the way, my bracket is kicking ass, Dubbs. You should root for me, too.

Look, I know there’s something to be said for a classic seven-game slugout between great, evenly-matched teams. But I’m not the Brokeass to say it. To me, a seven-game series is just a six-game preview for the one game I wanna see. Name the greatest Game 3 in history. You can’t. The greatest Game 3 ever was sheer agony, like every other Game 3. The NCAA knows the key to keeping my attention is to leave me wanting more. NBA Playoffs, girl, you text too much.

West Virginia, I could not be happier over your victory. Now kindly please lose.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Who's been sleeping in Shaq's Superman bed?

Shaq Diesel. Shaq Fu.  M.D.E. (Most Dominant Ever). The Big Aristotle. The Big Baryshnikov. The Big Twitterer.  Shaqovic.  The Big Banana.  Shaqtus. Shaquille O’Neal has many nicknames.  But his favorite has to be Superman.  It was one of his first.  He has it tattooed on his arm.  And anyone who’s seen that episode of MTV Cribs with Shaq knows it’s emblazoned all over his ridiculous mansion.  And he does not take kindly to having it co-opted by Dwight Howard.  Shaq whined about it loudly after the Cavs beat the Magic last week:

I don’t really consider it manning up until you play me straight up.  I’ve never doubled anybody. So you tell me who the real Superman is… Don’t compare me to nobody.  I’d rather not be mentioned.  I’m offended.

When asked about the beef, Shaq’s teammate LeBron James – something of a connoisseur of bloated nicknames himself – said, “The whole Superman thing kind of bothers him… That’s definitely his nickname.”

Um… Okay.  Let’s all just step back for a second and take a deep breath.  Because these are some real grown-man issues and we need to address them in a calm and careful manner.  Shaquille O’Neal is a certain Hall-of-Famer, top-five center all-time, billionaire mega-celebrity with four championship rings, one season-MVP award, three Finals MVP awards, fifteen All-Star selections, two scoring titles, four rap albums and one Razzie nomination (surprisingly NOT for Kazaam).  And this is what he’s worried about.  A nickname.  For just a couple hundred of his bazillion dollars, I’ll call the fucking idiot whatever he wants.  All. Night. Long.  Feel Me?  Call me The Big No Homo.

Now let’s see what Dwight Howard said for a comeback:

[I]f he wants to be Superman, he can be Superman… I would like, instead of people fighting over a nickname, for us to be able to talk about what it’s like to win a championship. Just little things that him being who he is can help me… and I would just ask that somebody like Shaquille O’Neal to help me become a better basketball player and a better person.

Hmmm. Interesting.  Dwight went with the mature, measured, reasonable, thoughtful, saddened yet wise comeback; a devastating counterblow.

Maybe we should give Shaq some new nicknames: The Big Bitter Grape.  The Big Screwed-Up Priorities.  The Big Sic Transit Gloria.  Wait, I’ve got it…

How about The Big Shut The Fuck Up!

Yeah, that one works.

Shhh, don't wake the huge fucking baby.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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