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Posts Tagged ‘Miami Heat’

KG throws some 'bows (and shits his pants???).

At the end of Boston’s  Game 1 victory over the Heat on Saturday, Kevin Garnett was ejected for throwing an elbow at Quentin Richardson during a scrum after Paul Pierce fell to the ground with a shoulder stinger.

KG claimed that Q-Rich was standing over Pierce and he was just trying to clear some room for Paul.

Q-Rich saw things a bit differently:

“I was trying to get over there to take the ball out of bounds and [Garnett] started to talk to me, so I talked back. I don’t have any business talking to him, he was on the ground crying. I don’t know what was going on, two actresses over there, that’s what they are.”

‘Two actresses’!!!  I think I just fell in love with Quentin Richardson.  The kind of love born out of a sense of deep respect between two men.

Quentin (my new life partner) wasn’t finished though.  Speak on, Q!:

“I just get surprised by people’s actions when I know them better than that. They’re not those characters they portray. They’re not who they say they are, Garnett and Pierce, they’re good basketball players and that’s about it.

“I said to Jermaine, he’s OK because I knew nobody touched him,” explained Richardson. “Is he taking another break like he does so many times? Sometimes he falls like he’s about to be out for the season and then he gets right up, that’s all I said.

“I don’t like them, and they know it.”

Good stuff.  Welcome back, Playoffs.

The league suspended Kevin Garnett one game for the elbow.  But I’m sure Rasheed Wallace will pick up the slack.

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Or not.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Eastern Conference semi-finals:  Act like you know.  Eh, just act like you care.

(1) CLEVELAND CAVALIERS VS. (4) ATLANTA HAWKS

Nope. Too easy.

Nope. Too easy.

BROKEASS: Will this series even be televised?

DUBBS:  Everything Lebron does is televised.  He’s brushing his teeth on ESPN 12 right now.  In theory, the Hawks should match up well with the Cavs.  But this isn’t a theory class.  The Hawks first round series was uglier than Delonte West.  They are the type of team that can show up and take Boston to seven (like last season).  And they’re the type of team that can not show up and get taken to seven by Miami (this season).  If they pull their shit together, they have the talent to push the Cavs to seven.  But they could also lose in four.  Who knows which Atlanta team will show up?

BROKEASS: When we talk about teams that CAN win, it’s usually because they DON’T win. Nobody talks about Cleveland’s potential. We talk about Cleveland winning. And that’s exactly what we will be talking about during and after this series. Any Detroit Pistons can make it to the Playoffs, the second round is for contenders. Unfortunately, the Eastern Conference didn’t have enough of those teams, so the Hawks will be faking it for the cameras.

DUBBS: Well, at least we got Atlanta.  If Miami had won, all we’d hear about for the next week would be Lebron and Wade, Wade and Lebron.  What good friends and great competitors they are.  How they hang out together in the off-season and curl each other’s hair and drink miso soup out of each other’s foot-baths and have swordfights in the bathroom.  And the Cavs would have obliterated the Heat.  This series has the potential to be watchable.  Whoops, there’s that word again.

BROKEASS: I like the Hawks but those wayward souls make me uncomfortable.  Atlanta has no leader. Surprisingly, Josh Smith’s tantrums haven’t unified the team the way he expected. Lebron isn’t just the best player on his team, he is also the general they follow into battle. He takes all the guesswork out of the game, freeing a guy like Delonte up to do what he does best: Score the ball and look hideous (second Ugly Delonte joke, if you’re keeping score). Atlanta has guys that can score the ball – Six guys averaged in double figures. And guys that look hideous – I bet on Marvin Williams to win the Kentucky Derby (first Ugly Marvin joke, if you’re keeping score). But no one who takes care of all the other stuff that goes into winning. If scoring the ball and looking hideous was the perfect recipe for success, I’d be lacing up my Air Van Exels right now. But I ain’t. I wear $20 Starburys. Unrelated to winning.

DUBBS:  Atlanta might be motivated.  Joe Johnson needs to prove to people he’s just sleepy-looking and not actually asleep.  Josh Smith needs to prove he can hit that stupid between-the-legs dunk he missed so badly against the Heat.  And Mike Bibby needs to prove to Henry Bibby that he is worthy of his love.

BROKEASS: Newsflash, Mike Bibby: You’re not. Nobody is proving anything in this series, other than that time can move very slowly.

DUBBS: I’m gonna take a leap of faith and say Atlanta in 4.  Lebron is getting injured in Game One.  Shelden Williams is gonna do a run-in from the locker-room and take Lebron out with a chair while the referees are distracted.  Jim Ross will be apoplectic:  “Oh my god, it’s The Landlord, Shelden Williams!  He’s supposed to be on the Sacramento Kings!  He fooled us all!  The Landlord!”  And Shelden Williams will walk back to the locker-room with a smug look on his face and the Intercontinental Title Belt held aloft above his head.

BROKEASS: Just what the NBA needs – A Shelden Williams heel turn. Clearly the heel turn will be Lebron ripping off his Cavs jersey mid-series and joining the Knicks. I can already see Spike Lee cackling at confused fans on the Jumbotron. Just kidding – Boobie Gibson would be inconsolable. Seriously, Cleveland will win because this is basketball and the Hawks aren’t very good at it. Cavs sweep.

DUBBS:  I’m gonna go ahead and climb out on the really thin limb of this really tall tree during a windstorm and predict that Atlanta captures some of last year’s playoff magic and pushes the Cavs a bit.  Cavs in 7.

BROKEASS: If this series goes 7 I will gouge out my own eyes. The NBA: Where “Blindness” Happens.

(2) BOSTON CELTICS VS. (3) ORLANDO MAGIC

Basketball skills do not exist in this Dojo!

"I just wanna dance but the fat man in the turtleneck keeps shouting at me!"


DUBBS:  Can both of these teams lose?  That would be my preference.  I really like Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Rondo.  But my hatred for Kendrick Perkins, Eddie House and the bench version of KG is so intense that it’s difficult for me to root for the Celtics.  On the other hand, I’ve made my feelings on the Magic clear.  They are powder puffs.  They should be embarrassed by their play against Philly.  I won’t root for them until they get some tough guys down there to play actual playoff basketball.  Where’s Charles Oakley when you need him?

BROKEASS: Oak’s working the door at Jordan’s Cinco de Mayo tapas party. The Magic could get him for a Manwich and some dignity. Lifetime contract. Boston vs. Orlando: First team to four losses gets to go home. It’s hard to bet against Boston, because this unit remains undefeated in a playoff series. But it’s hard to bet on Boston, because they haven’t shown any signs of being that good this Playoffs. It’s hard to bet on Orlando, because they are so…Orlando. And it’s hard to bet against Orlando, because, well, Dwight should be unstoppable. Though for every “Dwight should be unstoppable,” uttered before, there is a “Dwight should’ve been unstoppable,” to be mentioned after.

DUBBS:  Exactly. With KG out, Dwight should dominate every game of this series.  But you know he’s not going to.  He just doesn’t seem to be able to take a series over like that.  Having said that, this is where the thinness of the Celtics frontcourt with both KG and Leon Powe out is really going to kill them.  Will Kendrick Perkins foul out of every game before the National Anthem is sung?  They can’t slide Big Baby over and Scalabrine can’t cover Dwight.  The weight of the world truly rests on Kendrick Perkins’ shoulders in this series.  So at least the look on his face will finally match up.

BROKEASS: Boston’s thinness will be an issue. And so will its thickness. Big Baby can’t cover Rashard on the wings or Hedo up top. Scalabrine is the basketball equivalent to a designated hitter. The Magic frontcourt is a nightmare for healthy opponents, and the injury-depleted Celtics are struggling with even mediocre bigs. Rafer Alston is not the perfect substitute for Jameer Nelson ever, but he should have an easier time skipping to his Lou against Rondo than the stout, inflexible Andre Miller, leading to more drop offs for Dwight and kick-outs for the 3-ballers.

DUBBS:  I’m tired of hearing about Jameer Nelson. People talk about it like if he were healthy, the Magic would win 8 championships in a row.  Rafer might not be a perfect substitute for Jameer Nelson but Jameer is not a perfect substitute for an actual point guard.  Let him go play NBA Jam at the arcade with Nate Robinson.  I’ll up his allowance.  Still, Rondo is going to eat Rafer Alston alive.  By the end of this series, Rafer is going to be talking about retiring (again) and fighting Sam Mitchell (again).  Also, um, JJ REDICK IS STARTING!!!!  JJ Redick wouldn’t make the Celtics practice squad.

BROKEASS: JJ only starts until Courtney Lee gets home from allergy camp, or wherever the fuck they sent his sinuses. Wow. The Magic are in trouble. But so are the Celtics. This is the first series I can think of where absolutely no one can guard anyone else. I guess it comes down to a battle of masterful coaches. Anybody know where we can find any masterful coaches? Between having homes in Boston and Orlando and doing nothing in the first round, Doc Rivers should at least be well-rested. So that’s an advantage.

DUBBS: Courtney Lee’s coming back?  Phew.  Championship saved.  Stan Van Gundy will show Doc Rivers the real meaning of flop sweat.  It comes down to this:  If Orlando allows a team like Philly to hang around without delivering the knockout blow until it’s almost too late, how will they will deal with a team that fights tooth and nail for every game?  That’s what’s so impressive about Boston.  They never stop fighting.  They never give up. Boston won’t give Orlando this series.  Orlando will have to take it. And I don’t think they have the stuff to do that.  Celtics in 6.

BROKEASS: And yet the Celts had to settle for a split decision victory over the Bulls, a team that wasn’t even strong enough to wrestle the 6 seed from Philly while the 76ers were in an end-of-the-season coma. Neither team proved themselves deserving of more basketball: Orlando lacks the toughness and Boston lacks the muscle. If this was single elimination I’d pick Boston for their heart. Over a series, I think Orlando’s size will wear on them.  Magic in 6.

DUBBS:  Fans of the Magic would love that prediction.  Too bad they don’t exist.


Will Dwight Howard finally stop turning the other cheek?
Will Eddie House finally realize that hitting an open three-pointer doesn’t make you a tough guy? Will the Cavs bench finally realize they don’t get to follow Lebron to the Knicks? Will Kevin Garnett finally see video of his behavior on the bench and die of shame? Will Boobie Gibson finally realize that’s a birthmark on Delonte West’s face – not grape jelly?  Will Eddie House’s son finally realize his dad is a bit player in the NBA and not the hero he believes him to be?  Will Mo Williams finally realize its not an all-star slight if you’re not an all-star? Will Marvin Williams finally get braces to correct his wicked overbite? Will Stephon finally realize the Celtics organization is conspiring to hold him back?  Will Acie Law IV finally realize he’s the only Acie Law that matters? Will Mikki Moore finally realize he’s Busta Rhymes’ skeleton?  Will Marcin Gortat finally get the joke about how many Polish guys it takes to screw in a lightbulb? Will Flip Murray finally battle Flip Saunders in a duel to the death, winner gets to be an adult called Flip? Will Brian Scalabrine finally realize he’s Michael Rapaport?   Will Jeremy Richardson finally realize I don’t know who he is?  Will Mike Bibby finally realize he’s Eddie House’s brother-in-law and force his sister to get a divorce?  Will Doc Rivers finally realize he’s not a licensed medical practitioner? Will Stan Van Gundy’s moustache finally explode?  Will Kendrick Perkins finally figure out who farted?  Check back throughout the Playoffs for the answers to these questions – and more!

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Put your shirt on, Josh Smith. This ain't a Brandi Chastain moment.

Put your shirt on, Josh Smith. This ain't a Brandi Chastain moment.

We’ve used ample ink discussing the most exciting seven-game series in NBA Playoffs history (Celtics-Bulls). Let’s use way less talking about the least exciting: Miami vs. Atlanta. Thank God the Hawks put that series out of its misery.

Seven games, none of them decided by less than ten points. Average margin of victory: 19 points. And yet no one could reel off as many as two wins in a row. This series had more epic mood swings than Martin Lawrence in the 90’s. Let’s riff!

This series had more epic mood swings than CT on a RW/RR Challenge. This series had more epic mood swings than a date with Marv Albert. This series had more epic mood swings than a pothead ordering a donut. This series had more epic mood swings than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. This series had more epic mood swings than Lindsay Lohan…pregnant…constipated…on uppers. This series had more epic mood swings than me on a…Tuesday. ENOUGH!

We’ve already wasted too much time on this suckfest. Hawks and Heat, you know what you did. Don’t try to cover it up by moving on to the next series. Y’all should be ashamed of yourselves.

This play says it all:

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Posted by BA Brokeass

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Go gentle into that good night, boys.

Go gentle into that good night, boys.

After all the accompanying anger and frustration during this season (and the last couple), the predominant emotion I feel at the end of it all is sadness. I’m sad and tired (kind of like Sheed).

There are several reasons its over, some complex, some as simple as guys getting old and windows closing. But the reason that this era came to a close at this exact moment in time, the reason it had to end now, is due to something intangible that no is talking about: Regret. This team can no longer support itself under the crushing weight of its own regret.

The Darko Milicic debacle. The Malice at the Palace. The failure to repeat as Champs after getting so close. The messy divorce from Larry Brown. Flaming out against the Heat in 2006. Losing to a lesser team in the Cavs in 2007. The weight from all this regret was too much for their collective shoulders. There’s no way to live all that down.

Remember when the Pistons were the team that never gave up? When their record in games when other teams were trying to close them out was impeccable? For the last couple seasons, they’ve been the team that doesn’t bother to show up to close-out games. They folded early in game 6 in Cleveland a couple years ago. They gave up in a winnable Game 6 of the Boston series last year, a game in which they held the lead in the fourth quarter. I remember watching and feeling like they were rolling over right before my eyes. And this year they didn’t even bother to show up for an entire playoff series. When a team starts giving up, there’s no road to return. It’s over.

It was a great run while it lasted. Pistons fans should be grateful. For a while there we had a very likable team, with no egos, that played hard, and played ‘the right way’ and it was a beautiful thing to behold. But the biggest holdover from this era will be the missed opportunities, the close calls and the regret. They should have accomplished more. Instead, their 2004 title will stand as an aberration, which isn’t to say that they didn’t earn it or deserve it – they did. But it is the exception to the rule that you need superstars to win an NBA title. If the Pistons had won more than one championship, they could’ve called that rule into question. Now, all we’re left to do is enjoy our asterisk. That’s not a slam – it’s a great, big, shining asterisk, one a fan can point to with pride.

Over the coming weeks we’ll be talking about what’s next. But for now, let’s mourn and think of better days.

ben_rasheed_wallace2

Posted by LA Dubbs

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If they ever make a movie out of the career of Miami’s James Jones, it will be exactly eleven seconds long. These will be those seconds.

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Rest assured, James Jones will never appear on this site again. Unless he slaps Louis Amundson. But that’s a longshot, James isn’t Lou’s type.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Watch him age right before your eyes.

Watch him age right before your eyes.

Before the playoffs, if I told you that the series between the Heat and Hawks would return to Atlanta locked up at two, you probably wouldn’t have batted an eye. But if I told you the same thing, and also that Dwyane Wade has been a poor-man’s version of himself, well maybe then you might experience some eye movement. If not, see a doctor. You could be having a stroke.

Wade has handled volume scoring and controlled the offense (allowing Mario Chalmers to exclusively focus on looking goofy), but the most steady performer has been Jermaine O’Neal. The dominant big in this series, he has averaged almost 17 and 6 for the series, while routinely schooling Atlanta’s Sammy Sosa look-a-like Al Horford. It won’t be enough if D-Wade doesn’t mystify, but it has helped to remove some pressure from the overloaded back of the team’s superstar. JO said, “D-Wade, let me carry a few dudes!” Then a few players jumped on and O’Neal promptly slipped a disc.

Here at AF4D we like to poke fun at JO, because he is ridiculous and brittle and went from 25 to 40 in the span of like a month and a half. But he has stepped up this series. Without him, Miami is seriously over-matched. He is still ridiculous and brittle and unnaturally old. And we will never stop making fun of him. And Miami probably remains overmatched.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is: Fuck Jermaine O’Neal. Wait – I think I had a different message when I started. Oh well. Fuck him.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Fuck this guy's life.

Fuck this guy's life.

Before the NBA Playoffs began, Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem, co-captains of the Miami Heat, set a no-partying policy for their team during the post-season.

If I were Wade and Haslem, I would’ve gone with the no-pants policy. It would have helped just as much (maybe more – Mike Beasley’s thighs are an inspiration). The Heat lost their first game in Atlanta by 26 points. Maybe they should’ve played drunk.

One of the best pick-up games I’ve ever played was when I was brutally hungover. I couldn’t think, so my mind went quiet and I just reacted. That story is obviously analogous to a group of professional basketball players in the playoffs so shut up.

Dwyane and Zo get their party on at the early bird buffet.

Dwyane and Zo get their party on at the early bird buffet.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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