Posts Tagged ‘Lebron James’

Straight outta the quaint suburban hood called Cleveland…

And James Johnson was never heard from again.

But when you look at it from another angle a different story is revealed.

And James Johnson was never heard from before. You can’t dunk on what never was.

James "Fat Crackhead" Johnson hopes this dunk will earn him a new nickname.

Fat crackhead.

Posted by BA Brokeass.

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Look at that picture.  According to ESPN, that picture is supposed to be evidence of how the Cavs are all business this post-season, as opposed to their light-hearted (gay) demeanor all season long.  Now they’re “focused like never before,” as evidenced by their “playoff glares.”

Please.  That picture looks like the poster for some low rent production of “Of Mice And Men” starring Shaq as ‘Lennie’ and Antawn Jamison as Lennie’s younger, even more retarded brother ‘Jeebus.’  I’m not buying it.  It’s weak sauce and ESPN shouldn’t be selling it.

But this is just part of ESPN’s ongoing suckjob on Lebron and the Cavs that is only gonna get worse as the Playoffs continue.  Spare me.  Spare us all.  ESPN trots out one of these ‘Lebron and the Cavs are so intense this post-season’ pieces every year.  Just shut up about it and win a ring already so I can start following Australian Rules Football instead.

Yeah, what a bunch of hardasses.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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It’s still Friday, isn’t it?  Okay, then. Let’s check out some of the best plays of the week.

Lebron’s sick alley-oop that didn’t count:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Shane Battier’s block eruption:

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Who's been sleeping in Shaq's Superman bed?

Shaq Diesel. Shaq Fu.  M.D.E. (Most Dominant Ever). The Big Aristotle. The Big Baryshnikov. The Big Twitterer.  Shaqovic.  The Big Banana.  Shaqtus. Shaquille O’Neal has many nicknames.  But his favorite has to be Superman.  It was one of his first.  He has it tattooed on his arm.  And anyone who’s seen that episode of MTV Cribs with Shaq knows it’s emblazoned all over his ridiculous mansion.  And he does not take kindly to having it co-opted by Dwight Howard.  Shaq whined about it loudly after the Cavs beat the Magic last week:

I don’t really consider it manning up until you play me straight up.  I’ve never doubled anybody. So you tell me who the real Superman is… Don’t compare me to nobody.  I’d rather not be mentioned.  I’m offended.

When asked about the beef, Shaq’s teammate LeBron James – something of a connoisseur of bloated nicknames himself – said, “The whole Superman thing kind of bothers him… That’s definitely his nickname.”

Um… Okay.  Let’s all just step back for a second and take a deep breath.  Because these are some real grown-man issues and we need to address them in a calm and careful manner.  Shaquille O’Neal is a certain Hall-of-Famer, top-five center all-time, billionaire mega-celebrity with four championship rings, one season-MVP award, three Finals MVP awards, fifteen All-Star selections, two scoring titles, four rap albums and one Razzie nomination (surprisingly NOT for Kazaam).  And this is what he’s worried about.  A nickname.  For just a couple hundred of his bazillion dollars, I’ll call the fucking idiot whatever he wants.  All. Night. Long.  Feel Me?  Call me The Big No Homo.

Now let’s see what Dwight Howard said for a comeback:

[I]f he wants to be Superman, he can be Superman… I would like, instead of people fighting over a nickname, for us to be able to talk about what it’s like to win a championship. Just little things that him being who he is can help me… and I would just ask that somebody like Shaquille O’Neal to help me become a better basketball player and a better person.

Hmmm. Interesting.  Dwight went with the mature, measured, reasonable, thoughtful, saddened yet wise comeback; a devastating counterblow.

Maybe we should give Shaq some new nicknames: The Big Bitter Grape.  The Big Screwed-Up Priorities.  The Big Sic Transit Gloria.  Wait, I’ve got it…

How about The Big Shut The Fuck Up!

Yeah, that one works.

Shhh, don't wake the huge fucking baby.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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I'd rather date Snooki.

Clearly they’re phoning it in in Jersey right now. The Nets are waiting by the phone for their landlord in Brooklyn to tell them the new digs are ready and that Lebron will be picking up John Wall and meeting them with the keys. And while someday the Nets just might be the biggest boast in the borough Biggie built, for now they remain the most embarrassing thing in the Garden State. And no, I’m not forgetting about Jersey Shore.

Last month, for a column in ESPN the Magazine’s “Fan Edition,” the essentially-coachless Nets allowed a fan to call a play in a blowout loss to the Celtics. The play failed less awfully than the plays called by professionals, and so this month the Nets are offering a fan the chance to coach an entire game. If this sounds familiar it’s because you are one of the unforunate souls who paid witness to the Whoopi Goldberg atrocity “Eddie.”

Egads, what a situation. Uh-oh. I just broke the cardinal rule: Never mention New Jersey and “Situation” in the same blog post. Because now this is going to happen…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

What a specifically shitty time to live in the state already referred to as America’s Toilet. You know it’s bad when you’re getting pity from Detroit.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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The pre-game pose possibilities are both endless and terrifying.

The pre-game pose possibilities are both endless and terrifying.

It’s been a wild week in the NBA; so wild that it woke a sleeping Fennis from his summer’s slumber. “Zzzzzzzz…Huh? Shaq MMA fight?…Zzzzzzzzzz…Uh what? Fab Oberto a Piston?…grgh…Zzzzzzzzzzzz.”

What woke me for good was the sound of the giant, Shaquille O’Neal, fee-fi-fo-fumming his way from Phoenix to Cleveland in exchange for Big Ben, Little Sasha, and the 46th pick in a draft stocked with five quality players. In other words, Phoenix gave Shaq away for free. And why wouldn’t they? Big Grumpitude had his moments (most of them were in the All-Star Game), but ultimately failed to help the Suns rise. He is paid too large a sum of money to simply tear a team apart with menopause.

He will probably do well in Cleveland and likely be the piece that elevates them to the top of the East again. The over/under is three minutes on how long before Shaq uses his pairing with Lebron to call out Championship Kobe. When a Shaq puppet appears slanderously rapping about Kobe having small genitalia I won’t have to say I told you so. You’ll just know, and we’ll nod at each other.

Ben Wallace will retire to Phoenix just like many an old Jew. Did you ever think Ben Wallace would be compared to an old Jew when he was a 6’7″ center putting up Hakeem-like board and blocks numbers as the top defender in the league? When Big Ben and Shaq were battling down low late in the 2004-2006 playoffs, did you ever think they would both be involved in a two-team salary dump?

For Shaq, this is his last chance. For Wallace, it’s just his way out. A playmaking sharp-shooter like Sasha Pavlovic actually might thrive in Phoenix, but that’s a story for another post. You can expect that post approximately…never. If you’re even interested in that post I want you to leave this site forever.

Look at Kobe all pretending not to listen.

Look at Kobe all pretending not to listen.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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The Finals, finally. Get your last basketball fix until Summer League starts up in a few weeks.


Only one of you gets to taste gold this time.

Only one of you gets to taste gold this time.

DUBBS:  Well, here we are folks.  The beginning of the end of another long season.  It all comes down to this, the matchup everyone’s been talking about the entire year:  Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers versus Lebron James and the Cleveland – wait, what?  THE ORLANDO MAGIC ARE IN THE FINALS?!?!  How the hell did that happen?  Somebody fucked up!  Does David Stern know about this?  He is going to have somebody killed.  Seriously, Jewish Steel In The Finals of Chaos.  What happens now?  What about the the Kobe vs. Lebron Vitamin Water ads?  And those awful puppet commercials they keep trying to force us into finding funny?  WHO WILL SAVE THE RACIST PUPPET COMMERCIALS?!

BROKEASS: That awful puppet looks as much like Dwight as it does Lebron. That’s about poor puppetry. And you know I have no tolerance for poor puppetry. I also have no tolerance for how long these damn playoffs run. I can’t even remember what they’re fighting about anymore. I don’t want this series to be played. I want them to shake hands and call it a draw. Just give the championship ring to Lebron so he can stop pouting and shake somebody’s hand already.

DUBBS:  You are racist because you think all Black puppets look alike.  This series is going to be fun.  Because it’s unpredictable.  Everything was so predetermined for the Finals.  Then Orlando won and suddenly it wasn’t.  The matchups in this series are funkier than expected.  Two very different teams are facing off.  And we don’t have to listen to the announcers go on and on about Kobe and Lebron every minute of every game.  This series could be a blowout or it could go seven.  I have no idea.  You need to get excited again.  To flip the script on Steph’s sage words – You’re caught up in life.  You need to get caught up in basketball.

BROKEASS:  You wouldn’t know fun if it sucked you off at an amusement park. I’m caught up in a playoffs as old as time. Orlando making it to the Finals would’ve been exciting a month ago. Now, they’re just one of the last two teams awake. All the champion wins is the right to turn off the lights.

DUBBS:  A month ago, Orlando couldn’t have made it to the Finals.  That Magic team and this current Magic team are very different.  This is a team that has become who they are during the playoffs;  really, only a couple of weeks ago during the Boston series.  A young team coming into their own versus a veteran team expected to be there.  A young superstar trying to emerge as a dominant force and win his first championship versus an aging superstar trying to cement his rep as one of the greatest to ever play the game.  If this doesn’t wake you up, I think it’s time for me to trace my penis on your forehead.

BROKEASS:  I’m awake! I’m awake! Put your marker away. You could draw any penis, why does it have to be a self-portrait? The Lakers are awake, too. That Houston series guaranteed LA wouldn’t be sleepwalking through any more of the playoffs. Not discounting the Magic, LA is better. In retrospect, Orlando had clear advantages in the previous three rounds. Advantages that favored their best players. This time, far less so. Their positional advantages are no longer aligned with their positional strengths. If both teams play to the level of expectation, the Lakers will win.

DUBBS:  But who knows what the expectations are for Orlando?  The goalposts have shifted several times for them throughout the Playoffs.  They could show up with a Just Happy To Be Here vibe and get stomped.  Or they could show up and work hard and beat a team NOBODY’s giving them a chance to beat, just like last round.

BROKEASS: Is Orlando really better than we expected? Or are Cleveland and Boston worse? LA can’t be faulted for not exceeding expectations when expectations were for them to be fighting for a championship in June. They are. No one thought that Orlando would get this far and no one thinks they will win it. Sooner or later the critics will probably be right. This isn’t a challenge to the Magic’s resolve. They are the worse team in the series. If Dwight goes off like he did in the Conference Finals, sure, anything could happen. But the Lakers are younger, bigger, and healthier on the block than the Cavs.  If Boston could curtail him, he will be truncated by LA. There’s a subtle difference. Orlando needs to pick a point guard before anybody starts worrying about them.

DUBBS:  They need to stick with Rafer because he got them there and you don’t switch your lineup all around headed into the Finals.  Rafer seems to be developing a taste for the big moments.  And there’s no bigger moment than the NBA Finals.  If Jameer is healthy and not too rusty (which is a big if), bring him in as a backup.  But let Rafer lead the team.  Still sort of a scary thought.  That thing we complained about each round?  That Dwight Howard should be unstoppable but wasn’t?  Well, he is now.  Dwight Howard is a man. Andrew Bynum is a boy.  Pau Gasol is an old Spanish woman.  And Lamar Odom is a Diabetic coma waiting to happen.  Magic Shooters stay hot.  Dwight manhandles.  Stan Van keeps his cool (ha) and triumphs.  Orlando in 7. Magic Fan, I’m with you!

BROKEASS: Not even Mighty Dwight can steal a rebound from LO on a Skittles buzz. Odom, Gasol, and Ariza counterpoint Lewis, Turkoglu, and Pietrus (that’s right, a Mickael Pietrus reference before a series. You growing up, Barefoot!) better than any team in the league. And Kobe hasn’t even been mentioned yet! I’ll give Counrtney Lee more credit than we have in previous rounds. But donning that mask will be the only thing that prevents Kobe from breaking his face. A rookie standing between Black Mamba and a Shaq-less championship? As the kids say, laugh out loud. I agree with you about Skip and think, no matter how you slice it, point guard is an advantage the Magic hold. It’s an important one, and coupled with this coming-of-age big man you keep talking about, worth about two games. Lakers in 6. Countless LA douchebags, I’m siding with you.

Every one of our predictions, even the ones we disagreed on, have come true. The Finals will be no different.

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