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Posts Tagged ‘Kenyon Martin’

Hi, my name's Kenyon. I like pranks, cool tattoos and violence.

Our old friend Kenyon Martin found himself the victim of an April Fools joke and, surprise of all surprises, he was none too happy about it. During Thursday night’s Nuggets-Blazers tilt, former Nuggets ballboy Laquan (nice!) Johnson entered the club’s locker room, took K-Mart’s keys and filled his Range Rover with buttered popcorn (hilarious!).  Bonus: K-Mart’s Range Rover has a white interior (so classy!).

K-Mart responded with his usual mix of level-headedness, diplomacy and restraint, storming into the locker room and “spewing profanities and threats at teammates and other members of the organization”:

“That ain’t no [expletive] joke,” Martin said. “I’m going to find out who did it … put my [expletive] hands on one of y’all. I’m going to put my hands on whoever did it. You better believe that. It’s [expletive] personal. You better believe it.”

Man, imagine if the popcorn had cheesy powder on it.  Bloodbath central.

Martin also added this gem:

“How ’bout if I don’t play in the playoffs until somebody tells me who did it,” Martin said more than once.

Promises, promises.  Martin has missed the last fifteen games with an injury anyway.  His fucking knees are made of buttered popcorn.  zing.

Laquan, next time you want to pull a prank on a Nugget, pick on Anthony Carter or something.  You know, someone without a long and storied history of emotional tantrums and violent outbursts.  And maybe start a little smaller.  I find that the old glue-a-quarter-to-the-floor prank generally does not lead to threats of violence.  Although with K-Mart you never know.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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KENYON DOES NOT ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY, MARK CUBAN!  These two won’t move on so let’s do it for them.  Western Conference Finals.  Don’t sit near La La:

(1) LOS ANGELES LAKERS VS. (2) DENVER NUGGETS

"Stop playin', Kobe. This ain't a hotel room."

It's all smiles and giggles 'til somebody gets raped.

DUBBS:  While Denver advances to their first Conference Finals in 24 years, Chauncey reaches his seventh in a row.  (An impressive feat that only four other players since 1970 have accomplished. )  Chauncey is responsible for turning this team from a talented bunch of underachievers to a force to be reckoned with.  No one expected Denver to be here.  Everyone assumed LA would be.  Yet Denver has been the more impressive team so far in these Playoffs.

BROKESS: Denver has been impressive. Just not against LA. You have to bother Kobe Bryant in order to have a chance against the Lakers. Houston posed the greatest challenge by throwing the likes of Ron Artest and Shane Battier at him. JR Smith couldn’t cover Kobe with tattoos. Putting aside that the Lakers have their most talented team since the Last Days of Shaq, who is going to keep Bryant from winning this series single-handedly?

DUBBS:  DAHNTAY JONES!! aka The Ruben Patterson Stopper!  Um, yeah, Dahntay Jones ain’t stopping Kobe.  But Kobe deciding he’s going to win the series single-handedly would be great for Denver.  If Kobe refuses to play within the team’s offense, LA will lose.  He can win a game that way but not a series.  And ‘who’s gonna stop Kobe?’ has a flipside.  Who’s gonna cover Chauncey?  Or Carmelo?  What if they have to put Kobe on one of those guys?  If he expends too much energy on the defensive end, will he start settling for jumpers on O?

BROKEASS: LA’s offense is designed to find their opponent’s defensive weakness and exploit it. No matter how good you are, if you have a hole at the shooting guard position and you are playing the Los Angeles Lakers, you’re in trouble. LA feasts when Kobe has a big advantage. On the other hand, Denver’s best scorer, Carmelo Anthony, has the pleasure of matching up with LA’s best defensive stopper in Trevor Ariza. It’s just that kind of unfortunate pairing for the Nuggets. Nearly every choice favors LA. I’m taking Phil’s zen over George’s meltdown. Odom’s peace over K-Mart’s war. Pau’s Catallan over Nene’s Portuguese. Chauncey over Derdan Fishmar is Denver’s only decisive advantage.

DUBBS:  Everyone has talked all year long about how deep LA’s bench is.  I don’t see it.  And they have not been showing up in the playoffs.  Denver is actually the team with depth.  They have a great point guard who controls the game, doesn’t turn the ball over, can score when he needs to, and is money from the line.  They have a world-class scorer in Carmelo who can play inside and out.  An energy guy with a commitment to defense in Dahntay Jones. A defensive stopper/tough guy in K-Mart, who will intimidate the shit out of those Laker softies.  An agile big man in Nene.  A sixth man who can shoot lights-out in JR Smith.  An experienced backup PG in Anthony Carter.  And a blocking/rebounding specialist and fan favorite in Chris Andersen.  And we haven’t even gotten to Linas Kleisza, who does… something, I’m sure of it.  Somehow, Denver has become the most complete team in the league.

BROKEASS: Complete teams get to the Conference Finals and lose. Denver relies on all its parts to equal a whole. LA’s subs are like basketball understudies. They only perform due to injury and in Sunday matinees. Wait, the second part isn’t right. Ask Boston what happens when a crucial player gets hurt. Depth is nice, but a star player goes down and his team probably loses. I just don’t see the need for a deep bench when those dudes are literally just going to sit on the bench. Kobe and Pau can go 40+ each and will. At the big positions, that’s where you need fresh legs. And that’s where the Lakers are stacked. Andrew Bynum would start on Denver. He’s coming off the bench to hunt Birdman in this series. And let’s not forget DJ Mbenga, owner of a meaty body and the best name in the NBA. Dickie Simpkins that’s a good name!

DUBBS:  I’ve got a better idea.  Let’s do forget DJ Mbenga.  Everyone else in the fucking league has, including his own teammates. No discernible basketball skills whatsoever.  And Andrew Bynum should start on LA, only he’s been inconsistent.  Like the Lakers.  The point to Denver’s depth isn’t to guard against injury.  It’s depth that works together at the same time.  So if you stop one guy, another guy can kill you.  This is not the case with the Lakers.  If you manage to stop Kobe, they are losing.

BROKEASS: That was true as recently as two years ago. Not now. But it doesn’t matter because Denver can’t stop Kobe. Is Kobe going to stop Kobe? HELL NO. Not with the Lebron Coronation ceremony already scheduled for June. Don’t forget, when the League’s crown is finally given to King James officially, it will be removed from Kobe Bryant’s head. You can’t just take a man’s crown without expecting a fight. Pity the Dahntay Jones who stands between him and a tete-a-tete with his heir apparent.

DUBBS:  Denver is peaking at the right time.  LA has looked unfocused, to say the least, during the Playoffs.  They have a habit of not respecting their opponents until its almost too late, as in the case of Houston.  That will not work against a Denver team that is firing on all pistons.  Ouch.  Let’s say hitting on all cylinders.  Nuggets in 6.

BROKEASS: LA was humbled in Houston. They won’t be sleeping on anyone from here on out. I saw “Kobe Doin’ Work.” He’s a goddamn superhero. Denver will hit on all cylinders, they just won’t touch much nylon. Playing better doesn’t mean you are better. LA has way too many advantages. Lakers in 5.

DUBBS:  Come home Chauncey!  All is forgiven!!

Eastern Conference Finals prediction coming tomorrow.

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Cuban and K-Mart: The Follow-Up.

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Way to show ’em you’re no punk, K-Mart.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Insert foot here.

Insert foot here.

Kenyon Martin, never one to mince sound bytes, had this to say after Mark Cuban called K-Mart a punk to his own mamma following Denver’s last second road victory over the Mavericks on Saturday night.

Don’t say nothing to my kids or my family. If you got something to say, say it to me. But I’m going to take care of it. I’m not going to do the whole media thing, back and forth. That’s his thing. I’m more of a face-to-face type of dude.

If you thought the Slapfight between Rafer and House was sissy, the confrontation between Mark Cuban and Kenyon Martin’s mother must make your testicles crawl up into your throat. If it weren’t for Lakers-Rockets I would recommend airing these playoffs on the Oxygen Network.

The thing is, K-Mart is a punk. So when Mark Cuban calls him a punk, he isn’t speaking out of turn. But Mark Cuban is also a punk, so maybe he should’nt be making accusations. Or maybe he should. Who better to recognize a punk than a punk? Except that Mark Cuban is a punk because he calls other people punks. So it’s one big Catch-22.

It takes a pretty big punk to insult someone to their mother. Especially given it was only moments before Mother’s Day. “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Kenyon Martin’s mom. You did a poor job raising your punk son. Happy Mother’s Day!” That’s what a punk would say!

Kenyon Martin didn’t need any help proving his own punkhood. When a power-crazed, penis-envious, athlete-fucker like Mark Cuban talks smack, you laugh at him. Instead, K-Mart took the lower road and used thug vocabulary. Is Mark Cuban really worth puffing yourself up for? He was on Dancing with the Stars! He’s a computer nerd. And did I mention he was on Dancing with the Stars?

Furthermore, Kenyon makes the proclamation that he won’t be going through the media…TO THE MEDIA! He then falsely accuses Cuban of using that tactic when, in fact, Cuban made his comment to Martin’s mother’s face. It would’ve been hilarious if Mark Cuban went through the media to call out Kenyon Martin’s mammma. Used a press conference to blast K-Mart’s upbringing. That didn’t happen. If it did, we would’ve posted it.

Most shocking about this whole incident is the realization that Kenyon Martin has a mother. I always thought he came out of Bob Huggins’ butthole. Consider that myth busted.

If you haven't heard, Mark Cuban was on the televison program Dancing with the Stars.

If you haven't heard, Mark Cuban was on the televison program Dancing with the Stars.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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For $25,000 you can do this to Dirk Nowitzki:

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Jews, this is what we’ve been hoarding our money for. Line up to shove a German!

Posted by BA Baruch Atta Adonai

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Muscle up, lil’ babies. Western Conference semi-finals: Don’t you ever in your life, when i got a gun, come at me with a knife. A’ight?

(1) LOS ANGELES LAKERS VS. (5) HOUSTON ROCKETS

Seven games of this? Yes please!

Love will tear us apart.

BROKEASS: Houston’s got the Lakers?! What?! Oh no.

DUBBS: I know! Our bandwagon team is up against the top dog in the West. I love what Houston did in the first round. Ron found some redemption and with that Houston found its identity. But this ain’t the first round and the Lakers are not the Blazers. Houston will push them but the Lakers are too good. Sorry, Ron. Just stay in the tree of trust and keep your shrink on speed dial.

BROKEASS: Win, lose, or fight the crowd – this is Ron-Ron’s series. He’s back, baby! And he seems saner than ever. This has to be the calm before the storm. Where’s that Ron-Ron insanity we all know and love?!

DUBBS: I think Pau Gasol just dunked it over Yao. Seriously, Pau is gonna give Yao fits. He’s way too fast and light on his feet for that gnarly old tree. And he can draw him away from the basket.

BROKEASS: Yao may not be nimble or quick, but he is a rather large candlestick to jump over. And on offense, well, good luck with that Pau. The Lakers can be beaten. Hell, the Pistons even beat them once.

DUBBS: What’s a Piston? The only advantage Houston has over LA is at the point guard position. Aaron Brooks is gonna make Derrick Fisher and Jordan Farmar look like Shrimp Fest at Red Lobster.

BROKEASS: Cheesy biscuits! On paper, the Lakers seem stronger. And on the basketball court, the Lakers beat the Rockets every time they played this season. But Ron-Ron don’t care about first rounds and he DAMN SURE don’t care about regular seasons or positional matchups. He and Shane Battier will corral and harass Kobe all game long. Ron-Ron is moving in to Kobe’s head as we speak. And Ron-Ron is a noisy guest. A frustrated Kobe equals a tentative, nervous Lakers.

DUBBS: In matchups against guys like Kobe, Ron has a tendency to forget he has teammates and turn it into a game of one-on-one. And Kobe is the only guy in the NBA not afraid of Artest. Houston will try to grind but the Lakers are gonna run on them. LA is too fast, too agile and they have too much firepower. We haven’t even talked about Odom and Ariza. And Phil Jackson has spent his career peeing in Rick Adelman’s kitchen sink. Lakers in 6.

BROKEASS: If LA runs, Houston won’t catch them. But Houston’s aim will be to slow the tempo and test their trapping D against that vaunted Triangle Offense. On offense, pick your poison in the post: Yao, Artest, Scola, Landry. The Lakers softies will be overmatched. A quick PG like your boy A-Brooks will average ten dimes on drop-offs alone. No one can phase Kobe over the course of a single game, but in a series, we have seen him unravel. If that happens against the Rockets, Houston will pounce. I’m saying it, Dubbs! UPSET!!! Houston in 6.

DUBBS: Don’t tell Ron and the rest of the Queensbridge soldiers I fell off the bandwagon so quickly. Big Noyd, we meet you at the top kid! Shout to Cormega!

(2) DENVER NUGGETS VS. (6) DALLAS MAVERICKS

"Put your tongue away, Dirk. You ain't Herr Jordan."

Kenyon laughs at Dirk's Herr Jordan impression.

DUBBS: Did you see that Chauncey Billups received the Joe Dumars Sportsmanship Award last week? That shit’s like rain on a motherfucker’s wedding day, son. Denver is rolling right now but New Orleans rolled over and died on them. They have yet to be tested. This series with Dallas will show us if Denver is for real or not.

BROKEASS: Denver is real. I’ve been there. It’s in Colorado. Oh, you mean as a basketball team. Right, this will test that. But I think they can pass that test. Defense has long been their achilles heel, but Billups has changed that. Scoring was never a problem. This team can now beat you in a variety of ways.

DUBBS: Dallas is coming off of the high of beating their archrival. Chauncey Billups is a much better match-up for Jason Kidd than Tony Parker was. And the Nuggets are starting Dahntay Jones? What the fuck is a Dahntay Jones? Is that the traditional Irish spelling of Dante? Why aren’t they starting JR Smith?

BROKEASS: JR Smith comes off the bench until he learns his lesson from a disciplinary issue four years ago. These are two of the deeper benches in the NBA and the team that best utilizes its reserves will probably win. This will be a battle of JTs and JRs; Carrolls and Kleizas; Birdmen & Balkmen and Basses & Bereas. Gerald Greens. Anthony Carters. You get the picture. A battle of benches.

DUBBS: It’s certainly not gonna be a battle of Centers. Dampier vs. Nene is a wash. I’m not sure who that’s more embarrassing for. Basketball, I guess. Chauncey and J-Kidd may cancel each other out. So it comes down to who’s gonna come up bigger: Dirk or Carmelo. Carmelo is inconsistent. He only had one great game against New Orleans, and he spent the entire series being guarded by the defensive sieve of Peja Stojakovic and the sadness of James Posey. Josh Howard is a much tougher defender. And Dirk, unlike Melo, is consistent. Kenyon can’t take him for seven games.

BROKEASS: Carmelo’s inconsistent scoring hasn’t equalled anything but victories. In years past, Melo’s lack of offensive input spelled automatic doom. But this year he has blended into a balanced offense keyed on enabling the hot hand. His 34 in the N’Orleans closer reminds us that he lives for the big game, even if his pro career hasn’t been prolific with opportunities. If Dirk doesn’t shine, Dallas is probably hopeless. The same is not true of Carmelo and Denver.

DUBBS: Whatever. Carmelo’s head is emptier than the Palace at playoff time. Jason Terry will exploit JR Smith’s awful jigsaw puzzle tattoos. Josh Howard will tempt Birdman with a fattie, getting Birdman kicked out for violating the terms of his reinstatement. Dallas in 7.

BROKEASS: Josh Howard is a Star-Spangled-Banner-hating traitor. If Dallas wins, so do the terrorists. You need to quit siding with anti-American sentiment, Dubbs! Denver in 7 thanks to home court advantage and American pride.

DUBBS: Wait a sec. Dallas has Matt Carroll? Ugh. Can I change my pick?

We’ll be back with our Eastern Conference picks on Monday, assuming Boston and Chicago don’t secede from the NBA and start their own league.

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