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Posts Tagged ‘Detroit Pistons’

Aaron Brooks catches a nap before the endless NBA Playoffs begin.

Dubbs, you can pretend to care about these grown-ass men if it makes you feel better about aging, but me, I’m clinging to youth until the cops yank me off.

The NCAA Tournament is like when your cool-couple friends get married and everyone eats and gets drunk and dances until the reception hall smells like the dumpster behind a Taco Bell. The only downer at the cool-couple wedding is when your lame-couple friends who are soberly having fun for entirely different reasons have to remind everyone that their upcoming wedding will be just as much fun as this one. Everyone disingenuously agrees and begins hoping for a conflicting funeral or Bris that weekend. The lame-couple wedding is the NBA Playoffs.

Now I’m not saying the NBA should invoke a single-elimination, field of 64 tournament like college has. Mostly because there aren’t 64 teams in the league, which means non-NBA teams would have to be included like Benetton Treviso or the Rio Grande Valley Vipers or the New Jersey Nets. And no one wants to see that.

I’m not sure what I think the NBA should do differently, I just know the NCAA Tournament is better. Every year one NBA team’s city gets to declare, “We won!” at the end of the NBA Playoffs. Meanwhile, one million bracket champions get to declare, “I won!” at the end of the NCAA Tournament. It all sunk in while watching the final few seconds tick off the clock in West Virginia’s second round victory over Missouri on Sunday, gasping at every guffaw and heralding every heroic from “my team,” the victorious Mountaineers. I don’t care about West Virginia. I definitely done care about Missouri. Hell, I often forget they are states let alone colleges.  And yet there I was offering the focus of a doting parent to a game between two teams that don’t matter. Why? Because it affected my bracket, and the NCAA Tournament, more than any other playoffs, is about me rooting for me.

By the way, my bracket is kicking ass, Dubbs. You should root for me, too.

Look, I know there’s something to be said for a classic seven-game slugout between great, evenly-matched teams. But I’m not the Brokeass to say it. To me, a seven-game series is just a six-game preview for the one game I wanna see. Name the greatest Game 3 in history. You can’t. The greatest Game 3 ever was sheer agony, like every other Game 3. The NCAA knows the key to keeping my attention is to leave me wanting more. NBA Playoffs, girl, you text too much.

West Virginia, I could not be happier over your victory. Now kindly please lose.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Let’s be honest:  The last year or so has been rough for Michigan sports fans.  Between the rapid decline of the Pistons, the bottom falling out of the University of Michigan football program, the struggle to return to pre-sanctions relevance for the UMich basketball team, the Tigers’ woes, the Red Wings losing the Cup, and the continued shitification of the Lions, there hasn’t been a lot to cheer about.

But during Friday’s Big Ten Tournament match-up between Michigan and Ohio State, when Manny Harris hit a clutch shot to put the Wolverines up two with 2 seconds left, a little ray of light poked through the storm clouds.  Maybe, just maybe, we thought.  Eh, we should’ve known better.  And honestly, we’ve had enough:

See you at the stitch n’ bitch, lil’ homies!

Posted by MC Yarn & DJ Thimble

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Uhhh... No comment.

On ESPN, stat-ass John Hollinger has a piece up about the overrated and underrated in the NBA.  He counts Joe Dumars among the overrated, writing the following:

Let’s look ourselves in the mirror, fellow media members: We’ve all given the guy a free pass because of his amazing run to six straight conference finals and blithely ignored the fact that he’s screwed up a hundred ways from Tuesday since he decided to whack Flip Saunders after the 2008 conference finals.

Check out the résumé and find me a correct decision. Just one. Fire Saunders? Wrong. Hire Michael Curry? Wrong. Trade Chauncey Billups? Wrong. Extend Richard Hamilton? Wrong. Sign Kwame Brown? Wrong. Go after Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva? Wrong again.

In two years, the Pistons have gone from one of the best teams in basketball to among the worst. They stink, they’re capped out, and they don’t have much in the way of young talent; for all we know, in two years they’re going to be the Pittsburgh Pisces or the Seattle Grunge or something. If Isiah Thomas or Rob Babcock had done this, we’d have buried them alive by now, so it’s only fair for us to point out that regardless of his previous track record, Dumars is on a two-year losing streak of McHalian proportions.

Now John Hollinger is barely ever right about anything.  And his job is stupid.  He attempts to boil basketball down to pure numbers, ignoring the obvious-to-anyone-who-watches presence of the unquantifiable.  And he uses his statistics to come up with ludicrous claims just to annoy the shit out of me.  A couple seasons ago, he used a batch of cooked-up numbers to declare Reggie Evans the Greatest Rebounder Ever.  Reggie Evans. If you have statistics and a formula that leads you to the conclusion that Reggie Evans is the greatest rebounder ever, you throw that shit out and start over.  Numbers often lie.  Just ask Greg Oden’s penis.  However…

Anyone following the Pistons the last couple years would have a hard time disagreeing with any of Hollinger’s assertions in the piece.  They’re plain to see.  The last couple years have been a disaster for Dumars.  One wrong move after another.  And Hollinger doesn’t even mention Dumars’ terrible draft record: Darko Milicic, Rodney White, Mateen Cleaves, etc.

Due to his previous successes, I believe Joe Dumars deserves a chance to right the ship.  But given the downward trend of the team from bad to terrible and the looming possibility of new ownership, not to mention rumors he’s not getting along with the current owner, I wonder if Joe D. will even get that chance.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Mateen Cleaves, your return is imminent.

Brokeass back! Y’all see Oden’s junk? I did and I haven’t stopped eating Fudgsicles since. No homo. Cause they remind me of big boy’s dick. I said no mu’fuckin’ homo! I wanna put it in my mouth. WHO YOU CALLIN’ HOMO?!

Dubbs! You said they’d be nice this time!

So what’s happening in the NBA? Let’s see, the Lakers and Kobe Bryant are the defending champs. Ben Wallace and Chucky Atkins play serious minutes for the Detroit Pistons. Allen Iverson is an All Star in Philly. And Grant Hill has missed one game in the last 130. Y2K called, it wants its basketball season back. As well as the term “Y2K.” Also, 1996 called about collecting all the “[insert year] called” jokes still in circulation. I said, “You mean, this is 1996 calling and you want your…” and the joke was snatched directly from my mouth.

My point? 1996 means business, y’all. And probably some yada yada about the more things change or some such. But mostly the 1996 part. That year is NOT to be fucked with.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Tuesday night against the Nets, Ben Wallace became only the 17th player in NBA history to get 2000 blocks in his career.  Adding  to the accomplishment, Wallace is the only player on that list shorter than 6’10”.  Hope for you shorties out there – keep working hard.

Congrats to Big Ben.  Glad he did it in a Pistons uniform.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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It's time to say goodbye to the Palace's Prince.

The Pistons beat the lowly Nets last night, ending a five-game losing streak and improving their record to 16-31. Ugh.  This is only their fifth win in their last 24 games.  Oof.  And they scraped out the win, needing a 10-2 run at the end of the game to pull ahead and take it. Ack.

Detroit has scored fewer than 100 points in 23 of their last 24 games and has shot under fifty percent in 24 straight games.  Off-season signings Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon have been injured of late (as have Hamilton and Will Bynum), but still…  the team wasn’t supposed to have these offensive deficiencies.

When Chauncey was traded, Joe Dumars described this transitional period as rebuilding on the fly.  It’s past time to dump the ‘on the fly’ nonsense and come to terms with the fact that this team is in full-on rebuilding mode.

One bright spot of late has been the gelling of Rodney Stuckey and Rip Hamilton. They’ve begun playing well together, feeding each other’s games.  In this one, Stuckles had 21 points with 8 assists and 0 turnovers. Richard had 22 points with 7 assists and 5 boards.  This development makes Tayshaun Prince, with his already crappy season, all the more expendable.  It’s time to trade him. And now that he’s healthy again, he’s a very tradeable player.

The latest rumors have a Tayshaun for Carlos Boozer deal being cooked up.  This is not the right move.  Carlos Boozer is a dominant offensive player, a great low-post/paint scorer.  But he’s beyond injury prone, not a great defender, and too small.  The Pistons have one of the weakest frontcourts in the league.  They need a real big man, a defensive presence, someone who can grab boards and alter shots.  They should be going after NY Knick David Lee.   David Lee does all the things the Pistons need, and he can score.  He plays hard every night.  He’s durable. They should have gone after him last summer, when he was right there for the taking, instead of Charlie V.  Detroit won’t be able to afford him this summer, when he becomes an unrestricted free agent.  The Pistons should be trying to trade Tayshaun for David Lee now.  The Knicks won’t re-sign Lee this summer.  They’ll be gunning for Lebron, Wade, Bosh, etc.  And D’Antoni would love Tayshaun, a player he can use at the point forward position, not unlike he used Boris Diaw in Phoenix.

If the Pistons can trade Tayshaun and Jason Maxiell for David Lee, then fuck around in the lottery and pick up DeMarcus Cousins, next year you’re looking at a starting lineup of Rodney Stuckey at the 1, Rip at the 2, Charlie V. at the 3 (at least part of the time), and Cousins and Lee at the 4 and 5 (now that’s a frontcourt!).  With Will Bynum coming off the bench at point, Ben Gordon off the bench in the sharp-shooter/Vinnie Johnson role, everyone’s favorite Swede Jerebko at the 3 while Charlie V. moves to the 4, and the ossified yet awesome bones of Ben Wallace spelling the 4 and 5.  This is a team that can make some noise.

Who’s with me?

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Chad Ford posted a neat little NBA Lottery prediction doo-hickey bobby-job machine up on ESPN to determine who’s going to get consensus #1 pick and once-in-a-generation super-stud John Wall out of Kentucky. Check it out. It’s super fun… just like juggling with knives, or banging your dick in a drawer or… watching a Pistons game.

If the Lottery were today, the Pistons would have a 6.3% chance at the top pick.  Not fantastic, but not impossible.  Or at least not theoretically impossible.  But just try and get the Pistons to come up #1. Seriously, me and your old flame Brokeass ran this fucking thing 872 times before it came up Pistons with the number one pick.  The motherfucking Flint Tropics came up #1 before the Pistons for Chrissake.  Over and over again, the Pistons are projected to pick either Derrick Coleman’s illegitimate man-baby DeMarcus Cousins or something called an Al-Farouq Aminu.

But finally on the 873rd try, the clouds parted and Mr. Sun peeked his tiny dick * through to pee a little sunshine on the Piston faithful ((there’s a pun in there somewhere, I’m sure of it).  John Wall to the Pistons!  The future is now!  Let’s do this.  Now all we need is a frontcourt, a bench, a coach, a real owner (sorry Mr. D – RIP – but wifey ain’t cutting it), a new stadium, a new fanbase, new colors (how about teal???), new memories, new hopes and dreams and new shoulders to carry them on.

And, yes, I know I’m living on a prayer.  We all know John Wall will somehow end up on the Knicks (BOOK IT).  Just like we all know the Pistons are going to pick Al-Farouq Aminu… it’s cool, he’s going to be great for the Nuggets in a couple years.

* Compared to Greg Oden’s penis, everyone else’s is small.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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The pre-game pose possibilities are both endless and terrifying.

The pre-game pose possibilities are both endless and terrifying.

It’s been a wild week in the NBA; so wild that it woke a sleeping Fennis from his summer’s slumber. “Zzzzzzzz…Huh? Shaq MMA fight?…Zzzzzzzzzz…Uh what? Fab Oberto a Piston?…grgh…Zzzzzzzzzzzz.”

What woke me for good was the sound of the giant, Shaquille O’Neal, fee-fi-fo-fumming his way from Phoenix to Cleveland in exchange for Big Ben, Little Sasha, and the 46th pick in a draft stocked with five quality players. In other words, Phoenix gave Shaq away for free. And why wouldn’t they? Big Grumpitude had his moments (most of them were in the All-Star Game), but ultimately failed to help the Suns rise. He is paid too large a sum of money to simply tear a team apart with menopause.

He will probably do well in Cleveland and likely be the piece that elevates them to the top of the East again. The over/under is three minutes on how long before Shaq uses his pairing with Lebron to call out Championship Kobe. When a Shaq puppet appears slanderously rapping about Kobe having small genitalia I won’t have to say I told you so. You’ll just know, and we’ll nod at each other.

Ben Wallace will retire to Phoenix just like many an old Jew. Did you ever think Ben Wallace would be compared to an old Jew when he was a 6’7″ center putting up Hakeem-like board and blocks numbers as the top defender in the league? When Big Ben and Shaq were battling down low late in the 2004-2006 playoffs, did you ever think they would both be involved in a two-team salary dump?

For Shaq, this is his last chance. For Wallace, it’s just his way out. A playmaking sharp-shooter like Sasha Pavlovic actually might thrive in Phoenix, but that’s a story for another post. You can expect that post approximately…never. If you’re even interested in that post I want you to leave this site forever.

Look at Kobe all pretending not to listen.

Look at Kobe all pretending not to listen.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Land of the Lost, the new Will Ferrell movie inspired by the 1970’s psychedelic kids’ series of the same name, comes out today in theatres all across the land. What does this have to do with basketball? Check out this little factoid from Yahoo! Movies about the original series:

4. One of the most memorable creatures of the show were the lizard-like humanoids called Sleestaks. The scaly green bad guys seemed to be everywhere, but due to the show’s budget, only three costumes were ever made. In comparison, the movie had 30 Sleestak suits. The actors inside the suits had to be tall and slender, and one of the early Sleestaks was future Detroit Pistons All-Star Bill Laimbeer, who worked on the show while he was still in high school.”

I would write a joke but I’m too busy picking my jaw up off the floor.

You in there, Bill?

You in there, Bill?

Posted by BA Brokeass.

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This man was terrifying...

Ben Wallace used to be terrifying!

It’s tough being on the sidelines when you’re banged up. Then you’ve got to put in all that work to get back in the rotation. It’s becoming a young man’s game.” – Ben Wallace on thoughts of retirement.

These are the saddest words Big Ben has ever spoken. He used to be the hardest working man in the sport. Now, he hardly wants to work. He has never been the same since leaving the Pistons, floating from Central Division team to Central Division team like a spiritless spirit the past three seasons. This is, in part, because the business decision not to re-sign him in Detroit broke his heart. And also part because his abilities have suffered a marked decrease.

I agree that basketball has become a young man’s game. But Ben Wallace was never good at basketball. He was a hustling, athletic superfreak. And hustling, athletic superfreakdom is most certainly a young man’s game. At 34, Body should be only a couple seasons removed from his prime. But in today’s NBA, it’s all downhill after 30. And, of course, by “Today’s NBA,” I mean “Life.”

Let’s sound off three gongs for the career of Ben Wallace…and one for the rest of us old folks.

There will be happy playing days ahead for Big Ben, only from now on they will involve Don Reid and remote control cars. Maybe he can invite Lebron over to play with them. Apparently he didn’t get one for Christmas or something. Ask Mo Williams. On second thought, don’t.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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