Posts Tagged ‘Delonte West’

Lebron’s winning shot from Game 2 of Cleveland-Orlando has been shown more times than Paris Hilton’s hoo-ha. If you’ve been under a rock (or in Paris Hilton’s hoo-ha), check it out:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Huge shot, no question. Was it Jordanesque? It depends which Jordan we are talking about. It was reminiscent of the shot referred to (creatively) as “The Shot.” But that predates Jordan’s first championship by two seasons. In the time between “The Shot” and “The Ring,” MJ went from winning games to playing like a winner. Lebron will learn the difference eventually.

The #23 that won all those ‘ships could’ve hit that 23-footer, but he wouldn’t have had to. Because he would never let a 23-point home-court lead evaporate. And if, miraculously, he did blow that lead, after sinking the game-winner he wouldn’t look shocked by it. Even if he was stunned, he wouldn’t then run around like a crazed puppy/Glen Davis. He would pump the fist, nod to Oakley for setting the screen, and walk off the court. Same as any shot (minus the walking off the court part).

The first two games of this series really call into question the season-long lovefest between Lebron and his Cavlings. Chemistry is an important quality to find in balanced teams. Our recently deceased Pistons were friends and equal partners in success. San Antonio was the best squad of the decade thanks to a proportional attack. Most teams aren’t built that evenly. Jordan’s teammates feared him like the devil. Kobe Bryant, despite all his posturing, hates every person on the planet. KG makes his teammates cry. They are all champions.

Thanks to a decided lack of adversity during the regular season and first two playoffs rounds, Lebron has been allowed to act as benevolent king. Heading to Orlando at the disadvantage, we will now see if he can rule with an iron fist. All signs point to no. Cleveland didn’t defeat the Magic, Lebron did. A killer makes sure everyone recognizes that. He definitely doesn’t celebrate alongside the punks that almost blew it for him. My father never gave me a hug after bailing me out of a pickle. And he is required to love me.

After blowing two massive leads, someone needs to yell at these Cavaliers. At this point the King’s verbal wrath will do more damage than good. Game 3 could end up Cleveland vs. Orlando and a Delonte West pout session. Lebron has coddled these fools for too long and now he’s worried about upsetting his friends. What he doesn’t yet realize is that friendships are for the offseason (and gay poses are for the championship trophy presentation). The season, and especially the playoffs, are a struggle. If it doesn’t feel like all work, you’re probably not trying hard enough.

The Original 23 never had that problem. And he didn’t need to be called King for everyone to know he ruled the game. The Current 23, “King” James, can’t even keep his own house in order. For all his greatness, Lebron still has a few lessons to learn.

Hugs are for the mediocre.

Lesson 1: Hugs are for the mediocre.

Posted by BA Brokeass

Read Full Post »

Vodpod videos no longer available.

That’s how the game started. After halftime, the rest of Orlando’s players showed up. Late in the game, Delonte West literally started to disappear. And by the end of the night, Lebron was pretending to be injured. Magic 1, Cavaliers 0, despite 49 on 66% shooting from Lebro-dog and a 15 point halftime lead for Cleveland. Credit due to Orlando, but I’m sticking with my prediction: Cavs in 4.

This sleeper hold explains Clevelands second half performance in Game 1.

This sleeper hold explains Cleveland's second half performance in Game 1.

Posted by BA Brokeass

Read Full Post »

Eastern Conference Finals. The James Gang takes on Borelando.  Try to stay awake.


Laugh now, Dwight Howard.

Dwight Howard shows Lebron his game face.

DUBBS:  I refuse to give Orlando respect until they’ve earned it.  Everybody is acting like they did that last round.  Bullshit.  It took them seven games to best an injury-depleted and exhausted Celtics team.  If KG is healthy, Boston wins in 6 and Stan Van Gundy is back selling suits at Bachrach.  By the way, this refusal to give respect is exactly how i will raise my son, who hates me already, even in his non-existent state.

BROKEASS: Cleveland faces their first real tes…oh, BULLSHIT. Orlando is bum food. The max contract given to Rashard Lewis has become a symbol for their high-level mediocrity. Why isn’t Dwight Howard an unstoppable killing machine?!

DUBBS:  Because he’s not that good, that’s why.  He has no offensive game whatsoever.  He is completely stoppable.  And speaking of killer instinct, you know who lacks it big-time?  Wolverine in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  Man, did they neuter that character.  Seriously, that movie is like a $150-million, CGI-laden argument for the death penalty.  I don’t know how many times Wolverine leaves someone alive, only to have that person go on to murder tons more people.  And all these deaths could have been avoided if Wolverine had killed them when he had the chance.  He’s Wolverine, for Chrissakes!  He’s a killer!  Dwight Howard also lacks killer instinct.

BROKEASS: So does your imaginary future son. Orlando does have an advantage at…uh…no…they’re…um…taller?

DUBBS: Maybe the Cavs can strap Boobie Gibson to the top of Delonte West to make some sort of MasterBlaster version of a real NBA-sized player to throw at Orlando’s bigs. But they won’t even have to resort to fun stuff like that.  Cleveland has Lebron so the rest izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

BROKEASS: Where did you go? You were just talking about Lebron and then zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

DUBBS:  Sorry, fell asleep there for a sec.

BROKEASS: Me too. Are we at the Finals yet?

DUBBS: Almost.  Cleveland has Lebrobot so the rest doesn’t matter.  The stage has been set. The rules have been changed to ensure his ascension.  Even if you were physically able to guard Lebron, which few are, you’re not allowed to.  Don’t touch the King.  I’ve never understood how a guy can be nicknamed King James before he’s won a title but I guess that just proves my point.  So it is written.  So it shall be done.  You are all witnesses.  Me, I’ll be watching the Red Wings.  Cavs in 5.

BROKEASS: The Cavs aren’t losing to any of the sludge festering in the East. Cleveland spent all season fighting and clawing for that Number 1 spot and the ensuing home-court advantage. Once again they won’t need it. Cavs in a far-too-long 4.

Tune in throughout the Playoffs for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Read Full Post »

It's all hugs in Cleveland these days. Though this one's still a little creepy.

It's all hugs in Cleveland these days. Though this one's a little creepy.

Having floated on a marshmallow cloud through the first two rounds of the playoffs, it is reasonable to question how Cleveland will fare when finally tested. The more important question, though, is will they be tested? Atlanta played terribly and Detroit is terrible.  But the upcoming competition isn’t playing up a storm either. Plus, they are now fatigued from battling each other. Cleveland, meanwhile, has yet to play a single superfluous game.

Orlando can’t stop Cleveland and the Celtics won’t. Boston would not have topped Cleveland last year without home-court advantage, and they certainly won’t this year against a Cavs team that has won 43 of 45 home contests this year. KG or no KG, I’m sticking to that statement. No KG, home court won’t even be an issue. Orlando, as well as being weak-willed, does not match well with the Cavs. And they won’t know what to make of all that hustle. The whole team will look like Mo Williams watching Delonte and Kinsey take pictures at Lebron’s MVP ceremony.

How many games can either of these teams take? Two has to be the max, and even that number feels high. One sounds more likely. Zero is totally achievable. Lebron shares the glory with his teammates, not his opponents. Will the Eastern Conference Finals be a test? Only of basketball fans’ abilities to stay awake.

Which leaves us with the NBA Finals as the first potential test for the Cavs. We devoted a whole post to the havoc Houston would wreak on Cleveland. But that was with Yao Ming. The current roster, despite their last performance against LA, is far less scary. Kobe will need every ounce of energy he can muster to fight with Lebron for seven, and given the struggles he still has ahead of him, it is fair to question if he will have enough. And then there is Denver, the hottest team in the West right now. Ask Carmelo how confident he is about squaring off with Lebron every other day for a couple weeks and you won’t have to wait for the long pause, nervous expression, or flop sweat to pass. You’ll already have your answer. That Finals won’t take a couple weeks.

Cleveland is by no means unbeatable. They probably aren’t even the best. But testing them is about more than just favorable match-ups. Cleveland has two things going for them in any series: The best player and the most energy. Thanks to a perfect opening two rounds, Cleveland is perfectly healthy and perfectly rested. The best these others can muster doesn’t appear worthy of Cleveland at their best.  Cleveland can certainly be tested, they can even be beat, but they won’t be.

When the dust finally settles, only Lebron will be left standing.

When the dust finally settles, only Lebron will be left standing.

Posted by BA Brokeass

Read Full Post »

Calling what Atlanta did yesterday ‘basketball’ is unfair to everyone who loves the sport. If they continue to not show up we will continue to not write about them. The only thing more embarrassing than their play so far is the fact it’s coming against these dudes:

These guys won't let Lebron out of their site.

Choosing a joke is like picking your favorite child.

I could spend all day talking about this picture. I won’t. Instead, I’ll just list my favorite parts.

  1. Mo Williams’ face. He cannot figure out what’s going on! It’s not possible to form that expression AND be a smart human being. Impossible. He looks like a dog seeing its own reflection.
  2. Big Z’s beyond retarded face. This would not make the list if Big Z was actually retarded.
  3. Tarance Kinsey actually trying to look hard while agreeing to this photo op. As if Delonte was like, “T-Kins let’s take this picture of us all close in front of Lebron’s MVP.” And Kinsey was like, “Hell yeah. That’ll be hard.”
  4. Delonte West. Everything he is doing. Leaning in close with Kinsey. Taking the pic with his own iPhone from an impossible angle so that the resulting photo probably includes neither him nor the trophy. Being Delonte West. Just everything.
  5. That Ben Wallace isn’t in it. If he rides these clowns to a second title, good for him. But thank God you never see him in any of these friendship circles.

This series picks up in Atlanta this weekend. For Cleveland, it will feel a bit like going on a business trip and having the big meeting canceled. Does anyone still think this wimpy war needs to be waged on a basketball court? Sometimes a seven-game series just seems cruel.

Posted by BA Brokeass

Read Full Post »

Eastern Conference semi-finals:  Act like you know.  Eh, just act like you care.


Nope. Too easy.

Nope. Too easy.

BROKEASS: Will this series even be televised?

DUBBS:  Everything Lebron does is televised.  He’s brushing his teeth on ESPN 12 right now.  In theory, the Hawks should match up well with the Cavs.  But this isn’t a theory class.  The Hawks first round series was uglier than Delonte West.  They are the type of team that can show up and take Boston to seven (like last season).  And they’re the type of team that can not show up and get taken to seven by Miami (this season).  If they pull their shit together, they have the talent to push the Cavs to seven.  But they could also lose in four.  Who knows which Atlanta team will show up?

BROKEASS: When we talk about teams that CAN win, it’s usually because they DON’T win. Nobody talks about Cleveland’s potential. We talk about Cleveland winning. And that’s exactly what we will be talking about during and after this series. Any Detroit Pistons can make it to the Playoffs, the second round is for contenders. Unfortunately, the Eastern Conference didn’t have enough of those teams, so the Hawks will be faking it for the cameras.

DUBBS: Well, at least we got Atlanta.  If Miami had won, all we’d hear about for the next week would be Lebron and Wade, Wade and Lebron.  What good friends and great competitors they are.  How they hang out together in the off-season and curl each other’s hair and drink miso soup out of each other’s foot-baths and have swordfights in the bathroom.  And the Cavs would have obliterated the Heat.  This series has the potential to be watchable.  Whoops, there’s that word again.

BROKEASS: I like the Hawks but those wayward souls make me uncomfortable.  Atlanta has no leader. Surprisingly, Josh Smith’s tantrums haven’t unified the team the way he expected. Lebron isn’t just the best player on his team, he is also the general they follow into battle. He takes all the guesswork out of the game, freeing a guy like Delonte up to do what he does best: Score the ball and look hideous (second Ugly Delonte joke, if you’re keeping score). Atlanta has guys that can score the ball – Six guys averaged in double figures. And guys that look hideous – I bet on Marvin Williams to win the Kentucky Derby (first Ugly Marvin joke, if you’re keeping score). But no one who takes care of all the other stuff that goes into winning. If scoring the ball and looking hideous was the perfect recipe for success, I’d be lacing up my Air Van Exels right now. But I ain’t. I wear $20 Starburys. Unrelated to winning.

DUBBS:  Atlanta might be motivated.  Joe Johnson needs to prove to people he’s just sleepy-looking and not actually asleep.  Josh Smith needs to prove he can hit that stupid between-the-legs dunk he missed so badly against the Heat.  And Mike Bibby needs to prove to Henry Bibby that he is worthy of his love.

BROKEASS: Newsflash, Mike Bibby: You’re not. Nobody is proving anything in this series, other than that time can move very slowly.

DUBBS: I’m gonna take a leap of faith and say Atlanta in 4.  Lebron is getting injured in Game One.  Shelden Williams is gonna do a run-in from the locker-room and take Lebron out with a chair while the referees are distracted.  Jim Ross will be apoplectic:  “Oh my god, it’s The Landlord, Shelden Williams!  He’s supposed to be on the Sacramento Kings!  He fooled us all!  The Landlord!”  And Shelden Williams will walk back to the locker-room with a smug look on his face and the Intercontinental Title Belt held aloft above his head.

BROKEASS: Just what the NBA needs – A Shelden Williams heel turn. Clearly the heel turn will be Lebron ripping off his Cavs jersey mid-series and joining the Knicks. I can already see Spike Lee cackling at confused fans on the Jumbotron. Just kidding – Boobie Gibson would be inconsolable. Seriously, Cleveland will win because this is basketball and the Hawks aren’t very good at it. Cavs sweep.

DUBBS:  I’m gonna go ahead and climb out on the really thin limb of this really tall tree during a windstorm and predict that Atlanta captures some of last year’s playoff magic and pushes the Cavs a bit.  Cavs in 7.

BROKEASS: If this series goes 7 I will gouge out my own eyes. The NBA: Where “Blindness” Happens.


Basketball skills do not exist in this Dojo!

"I just wanna dance but the fat man in the turtleneck keeps shouting at me!"

DUBBS:  Can both of these teams lose?  That would be my preference.  I really like Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Rondo.  But my hatred for Kendrick Perkins, Eddie House and the bench version of KG is so intense that it’s difficult for me to root for the Celtics.  On the other hand, I’ve made my feelings on the Magic clear.  They are powder puffs.  They should be embarrassed by their play against Philly.  I won’t root for them until they get some tough guys down there to play actual playoff basketball.  Where’s Charles Oakley when you need him?

BROKEASS: Oak’s working the door at Jordan’s Cinco de Mayo tapas party. The Magic could get him for a Manwich and some dignity. Lifetime contract. Boston vs. Orlando: First team to four losses gets to go home. It’s hard to bet against Boston, because this unit remains undefeated in a playoff series. But it’s hard to bet on Boston, because they haven’t shown any signs of being that good this Playoffs. It’s hard to bet on Orlando, because they are so…Orlando. And it’s hard to bet against Orlando, because, well, Dwight should be unstoppable. Though for every “Dwight should be unstoppable,” uttered before, there is a “Dwight should’ve been unstoppable,” to be mentioned after.

DUBBS:  Exactly. With KG out, Dwight should dominate every game of this series.  But you know he’s not going to.  He just doesn’t seem to be able to take a series over like that.  Having said that, this is where the thinness of the Celtics frontcourt with both KG and Leon Powe out is really going to kill them.  Will Kendrick Perkins foul out of every game before the National Anthem is sung?  They can’t slide Big Baby over and Scalabrine can’t cover Dwight.  The weight of the world truly rests on Kendrick Perkins’ shoulders in this series.  So at least the look on his face will finally match up.

BROKEASS: Boston’s thinness will be an issue. And so will its thickness. Big Baby can’t cover Rashard on the wings or Hedo up top. Scalabrine is the basketball equivalent to a designated hitter. The Magic frontcourt is a nightmare for healthy opponents, and the injury-depleted Celtics are struggling with even mediocre bigs. Rafer Alston is not the perfect substitute for Jameer Nelson ever, but he should have an easier time skipping to his Lou against Rondo than the stout, inflexible Andre Miller, leading to more drop offs for Dwight and kick-outs for the 3-ballers.

DUBBS:  I’m tired of hearing about Jameer Nelson. People talk about it like if he were healthy, the Magic would win 8 championships in a row.  Rafer might not be a perfect substitute for Jameer Nelson but Jameer is not a perfect substitute for an actual point guard.  Let him go play NBA Jam at the arcade with Nate Robinson.  I’ll up his allowance.  Still, Rondo is going to eat Rafer Alston alive.  By the end of this series, Rafer is going to be talking about retiring (again) and fighting Sam Mitchell (again).  Also, um, JJ REDICK IS STARTING!!!!  JJ Redick wouldn’t make the Celtics practice squad.

BROKEASS: JJ only starts until Courtney Lee gets home from allergy camp, or wherever the fuck they sent his sinuses. Wow. The Magic are in trouble. But so are the Celtics. This is the first series I can think of where absolutely no one can guard anyone else. I guess it comes down to a battle of masterful coaches. Anybody know where we can find any masterful coaches? Between having homes in Boston and Orlando and doing nothing in the first round, Doc Rivers should at least be well-rested. So that’s an advantage.

DUBBS: Courtney Lee’s coming back?  Phew.  Championship saved.  Stan Van Gundy will show Doc Rivers the real meaning of flop sweat.  It comes down to this:  If Orlando allows a team like Philly to hang around without delivering the knockout blow until it’s almost too late, how will they will deal with a team that fights tooth and nail for every game?  That’s what’s so impressive about Boston.  They never stop fighting.  They never give up. Boston won’t give Orlando this series.  Orlando will have to take it. And I don’t think they have the stuff to do that.  Celtics in 6.

BROKEASS: And yet the Celts had to settle for a split decision victory over the Bulls, a team that wasn’t even strong enough to wrestle the 6 seed from Philly while the 76ers were in an end-of-the-season coma. Neither team proved themselves deserving of more basketball: Orlando lacks the toughness and Boston lacks the muscle. If this was single elimination I’d pick Boston for their heart. Over a series, I think Orlando’s size will wear on them.  Magic in 6.

DUBBS:  Fans of the Magic would love that prediction.  Too bad they don’t exist.

Will Dwight Howard finally stop turning the other cheek?
Will Eddie House finally realize that hitting an open three-pointer doesn’t make you a tough guy? Will the Cavs bench finally realize they don’t get to follow Lebron to the Knicks? Will Kevin Garnett finally see video of his behavior on the bench and die of shame? Will Boobie Gibson finally realize that’s a birthmark on Delonte West’s face – not grape jelly?  Will Eddie House’s son finally realize his dad is a bit player in the NBA and not the hero he believes him to be?  Will Mo Williams finally realize its not an all-star slight if you’re not an all-star? Will Marvin Williams finally get braces to correct his wicked overbite? Will Stephon finally realize the Celtics organization is conspiring to hold him back?  Will Acie Law IV finally realize he’s the only Acie Law that matters? Will Mikki Moore finally realize he’s Busta Rhymes’ skeleton?  Will Marcin Gortat finally get the joke about how many Polish guys it takes to screw in a lightbulb? Will Flip Murray finally battle Flip Saunders in a duel to the death, winner gets to be an adult called Flip? Will Brian Scalabrine finally realize he’s Michael Rapaport?   Will Jeremy Richardson finally realize I don’t know who he is?  Will Mike Bibby finally realize he’s Eddie House’s brother-in-law and force his sister to get a divorce?  Will Doc Rivers finally realize he’s not a licensed medical practitioner? Will Stan Van Gundy’s moustache finally explode?  Will Kendrick Perkins finally figure out who farted?  Check back throughout the Playoffs for the answers to these questions – and more!

Read Full Post »

cavs-pre-game2See the above? That is the Cavs pre-game ritual. Yeah, that. Lebron pretends to be some kind of paparazzo taking pretend photos of pretend Cavs players. Okay, real Cavs players. Sort of.

All season long, the Cavs have been promoting this idea that everybody on the team are good buddies, always hanging out together, going bowling and getting their hair did. And that this will somehow translate to a championship. Please. The Cavs may very well win a title this year but it won’t be because they carpool to shoot-arounds. This is all just phony PR crap, another brick in Lebron’s “I want to be a global icon” wall of self-promotion. It doesn’t feel like they’re a team that’s actually bonded, but more like “King” Lebron told them all they had to be friends. “Ya’ll are friends now, come over and clean my bathrooms.” (I’m assuming he has many.)

Delonte plays the red-headed step-child, as usual.

Delonte plays the red-headed step-child, as usual.

The supporting players on the Cavs are a bunch of has-beens and never-weres. (In rap parlance, these dudes are Lebron’s weed carriers and I am not buying their shitty album, even if Lebron guests on a couple tracks.) Lebron pretending to take their picture before games just makes that all the more apparent and awkward; no one with any self-esteem would pose for this shit. You notice who’s not in these pictures? Ben Wallace, that’s who. Ben Wallace is sometimes difficult and sometimes a broken old-ass but he is always a MAN. And he has no time for these baby-ass games.

Can you imagine Kevin Garnett participating in something like this? He would just shout at his teammates until they cried. Or Kobe Bryant? He would slit their throats, fuck their wives and hit the game-winning jumper.

Michael Jordan drove his teammates to be winners through rejection, contempt and intimidation. They hated him for it. But they’ve all got championship rings. All this BFF bullshit makes me ill.

Get a fucking room.

Get a fucking room.

Posted by LA Dubbs

Read Full Post »