Posts Tagged ‘Chicago Bulls’

Straight outta the quaint suburban hood called Cleveland…

And James Johnson was never heard from again.

But when you look at it from another angle a different story is revealed.

And James Johnson was never heard from before. You can’t dunk on what never was.

James "Fat Crackhead" Johnson hopes this dunk will earn him a new nickname.

Fat crackhead.

Posted by BA Brokeass.


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Eastern Conference semi-finals:  Act like you know.  Eh, just act like you care.


Nope. Too easy.

Nope. Too easy.

BROKEASS: Will this series even be televised?

DUBBS:  Everything Lebron does is televised.  He’s brushing his teeth on ESPN 12 right now.  In theory, the Hawks should match up well with the Cavs.  But this isn’t a theory class.  The Hawks first round series was uglier than Delonte West.  They are the type of team that can show up and take Boston to seven (like last season).  And they’re the type of team that can not show up and get taken to seven by Miami (this season).  If they pull their shit together, they have the talent to push the Cavs to seven.  But they could also lose in four.  Who knows which Atlanta team will show up?

BROKEASS: When we talk about teams that CAN win, it’s usually because they DON’T win. Nobody talks about Cleveland’s potential. We talk about Cleveland winning. And that’s exactly what we will be talking about during and after this series. Any Detroit Pistons can make it to the Playoffs, the second round is for contenders. Unfortunately, the Eastern Conference didn’t have enough of those teams, so the Hawks will be faking it for the cameras.

DUBBS: Well, at least we got Atlanta.  If Miami had won, all we’d hear about for the next week would be Lebron and Wade, Wade and Lebron.  What good friends and great competitors they are.  How they hang out together in the off-season and curl each other’s hair and drink miso soup out of each other’s foot-baths and have swordfights in the bathroom.  And the Cavs would have obliterated the Heat.  This series has the potential to be watchable.  Whoops, there’s that word again.

BROKEASS: I like the Hawks but those wayward souls make me uncomfortable.  Atlanta has no leader. Surprisingly, Josh Smith’s tantrums haven’t unified the team the way he expected. Lebron isn’t just the best player on his team, he is also the general they follow into battle. He takes all the guesswork out of the game, freeing a guy like Delonte up to do what he does best: Score the ball and look hideous (second Ugly Delonte joke, if you’re keeping score). Atlanta has guys that can score the ball – Six guys averaged in double figures. And guys that look hideous – I bet on Marvin Williams to win the Kentucky Derby (first Ugly Marvin joke, if you’re keeping score). But no one who takes care of all the other stuff that goes into winning. If scoring the ball and looking hideous was the perfect recipe for success, I’d be lacing up my Air Van Exels right now. But I ain’t. I wear $20 Starburys. Unrelated to winning.

DUBBS:  Atlanta might be motivated.  Joe Johnson needs to prove to people he’s just sleepy-looking and not actually asleep.  Josh Smith needs to prove he can hit that stupid between-the-legs dunk he missed so badly against the Heat.  And Mike Bibby needs to prove to Henry Bibby that he is worthy of his love.

BROKEASS: Newsflash, Mike Bibby: You’re not. Nobody is proving anything in this series, other than that time can move very slowly.

DUBBS: I’m gonna take a leap of faith and say Atlanta in 4.  Lebron is getting injured in Game One.  Shelden Williams is gonna do a run-in from the locker-room and take Lebron out with a chair while the referees are distracted.  Jim Ross will be apoplectic:  “Oh my god, it’s The Landlord, Shelden Williams!  He’s supposed to be on the Sacramento Kings!  He fooled us all!  The Landlord!”  And Shelden Williams will walk back to the locker-room with a smug look on his face and the Intercontinental Title Belt held aloft above his head.

BROKEASS: Just what the NBA needs – A Shelden Williams heel turn. Clearly the heel turn will be Lebron ripping off his Cavs jersey mid-series and joining the Knicks. I can already see Spike Lee cackling at confused fans on the Jumbotron. Just kidding – Boobie Gibson would be inconsolable. Seriously, Cleveland will win because this is basketball and the Hawks aren’t very good at it. Cavs sweep.

DUBBS:  I’m gonna go ahead and climb out on the really thin limb of this really tall tree during a windstorm and predict that Atlanta captures some of last year’s playoff magic and pushes the Cavs a bit.  Cavs in 7.

BROKEASS: If this series goes 7 I will gouge out my own eyes. The NBA: Where “Blindness” Happens.


Basketball skills do not exist in this Dojo!

"I just wanna dance but the fat man in the turtleneck keeps shouting at me!"

DUBBS:  Can both of these teams lose?  That would be my preference.  I really like Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Rondo.  But my hatred for Kendrick Perkins, Eddie House and the bench version of KG is so intense that it’s difficult for me to root for the Celtics.  On the other hand, I’ve made my feelings on the Magic clear.  They are powder puffs.  They should be embarrassed by their play against Philly.  I won’t root for them until they get some tough guys down there to play actual playoff basketball.  Where’s Charles Oakley when you need him?

BROKEASS: Oak’s working the door at Jordan’s Cinco de Mayo tapas party. The Magic could get him for a Manwich and some dignity. Lifetime contract. Boston vs. Orlando: First team to four losses gets to go home. It’s hard to bet against Boston, because this unit remains undefeated in a playoff series. But it’s hard to bet on Boston, because they haven’t shown any signs of being that good this Playoffs. It’s hard to bet on Orlando, because they are so…Orlando. And it’s hard to bet against Orlando, because, well, Dwight should be unstoppable. Though for every “Dwight should be unstoppable,” uttered before, there is a “Dwight should’ve been unstoppable,” to be mentioned after.

DUBBS:  Exactly. With KG out, Dwight should dominate every game of this series.  But you know he’s not going to.  He just doesn’t seem to be able to take a series over like that.  Having said that, this is where the thinness of the Celtics frontcourt with both KG and Leon Powe out is really going to kill them.  Will Kendrick Perkins foul out of every game before the National Anthem is sung?  They can’t slide Big Baby over and Scalabrine can’t cover Dwight.  The weight of the world truly rests on Kendrick Perkins’ shoulders in this series.  So at least the look on his face will finally match up.

BROKEASS: Boston’s thinness will be an issue. And so will its thickness. Big Baby can’t cover Rashard on the wings or Hedo up top. Scalabrine is the basketball equivalent to a designated hitter. The Magic frontcourt is a nightmare for healthy opponents, and the injury-depleted Celtics are struggling with even mediocre bigs. Rafer Alston is not the perfect substitute for Jameer Nelson ever, but he should have an easier time skipping to his Lou against Rondo than the stout, inflexible Andre Miller, leading to more drop offs for Dwight and kick-outs for the 3-ballers.

DUBBS:  I’m tired of hearing about Jameer Nelson. People talk about it like if he were healthy, the Magic would win 8 championships in a row.  Rafer might not be a perfect substitute for Jameer Nelson but Jameer is not a perfect substitute for an actual point guard.  Let him go play NBA Jam at the arcade with Nate Robinson.  I’ll up his allowance.  Still, Rondo is going to eat Rafer Alston alive.  By the end of this series, Rafer is going to be talking about retiring (again) and fighting Sam Mitchell (again).  Also, um, JJ REDICK IS STARTING!!!!  JJ Redick wouldn’t make the Celtics practice squad.

BROKEASS: JJ only starts until Courtney Lee gets home from allergy camp, or wherever the fuck they sent his sinuses. Wow. The Magic are in trouble. But so are the Celtics. This is the first series I can think of where absolutely no one can guard anyone else. I guess it comes down to a battle of masterful coaches. Anybody know where we can find any masterful coaches? Between having homes in Boston and Orlando and doing nothing in the first round, Doc Rivers should at least be well-rested. So that’s an advantage.

DUBBS: Courtney Lee’s coming back?  Phew.  Championship saved.  Stan Van Gundy will show Doc Rivers the real meaning of flop sweat.  It comes down to this:  If Orlando allows a team like Philly to hang around without delivering the knockout blow until it’s almost too late, how will they will deal with a team that fights tooth and nail for every game?  That’s what’s so impressive about Boston.  They never stop fighting.  They never give up. Boston won’t give Orlando this series.  Orlando will have to take it. And I don’t think they have the stuff to do that.  Celtics in 6.

BROKEASS: And yet the Celts had to settle for a split decision victory over the Bulls, a team that wasn’t even strong enough to wrestle the 6 seed from Philly while the 76ers were in an end-of-the-season coma. Neither team proved themselves deserving of more basketball: Orlando lacks the toughness and Boston lacks the muscle. If this was single elimination I’d pick Boston for their heart. Over a series, I think Orlando’s size will wear on them.  Magic in 6.

DUBBS:  Fans of the Magic would love that prediction.  Too bad they don’t exist.

Will Dwight Howard finally stop turning the other cheek?
Will Eddie House finally realize that hitting an open three-pointer doesn’t make you a tough guy? Will the Cavs bench finally realize they don’t get to follow Lebron to the Knicks? Will Kevin Garnett finally see video of his behavior on the bench and die of shame? Will Boobie Gibson finally realize that’s a birthmark on Delonte West’s face – not grape jelly?  Will Eddie House’s son finally realize his dad is a bit player in the NBA and not the hero he believes him to be?  Will Mo Williams finally realize its not an all-star slight if you’re not an all-star? Will Marvin Williams finally get braces to correct his wicked overbite? Will Stephon finally realize the Celtics organization is conspiring to hold him back?  Will Acie Law IV finally realize he’s the only Acie Law that matters? Will Mikki Moore finally realize he’s Busta Rhymes’ skeleton?  Will Marcin Gortat finally get the joke about how many Polish guys it takes to screw in a lightbulb? Will Flip Murray finally battle Flip Saunders in a duel to the death, winner gets to be an adult called Flip? Will Brian Scalabrine finally realize he’s Michael Rapaport?   Will Jeremy Richardson finally realize I don’t know who he is?  Will Mike Bibby finally realize he’s Eddie House’s brother-in-law and force his sister to get a divorce?  Will Doc Rivers finally realize he’s not a licensed medical practitioner? Will Stan Van Gundy’s moustache finally explode?  Will Kendrick Perkins finally figure out who farted?  Check back throughout the Playoffs for the answers to these questions – and more!

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Make this person go away.

Make this person go away.

If you’re in street clothes and you’re not a coach, I don’t really look at you.” – Kevin Garnett on injured players on the bench, 2003.

Oh yeah? Really? Then, since you’re the one in street clothes now, why don’t you sit down and keep your mouth shut. Seriously. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

From constantly jutting out his chin like the toughest boy at recess to cursing at Bulls’ players to shouting ‘Choke!‘ at Brad Miller after Miller missed those free throws in Game 5, Kevin Garnett has behaved like a jerk this entire series. And all of this is from the bench, in a suit, too injured to play. This is after a season in which Garnett proved himself to be classless time and again, whether it be running after Jose Calderon clapping in his face, or crawling on all fours after Jerryd Bayless, not to mention making his own teammate Big Baby Davis cry.

Has anyone handled winning a championship less gracefully than this old douche? Go home and nurse your boo-boo. Let the men play basketball.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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After three more overtime periods last night, Boston vs. Chicago will officially be the longest series in Playoffs history. Game 6 might have gone even longer if it wasn’t for this play:

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It was the pivotal moment of the game and possibly the most exciting sequence of the Playoffs so far. But it was also a terrible basketball play. Joakim Noah does everything wrong here, and it totally works out right. First, he leaks out on defense, leaving his man alone in the paint. If Noah doesn’t make the steal, Boston has an easy dunk. Instead of moving the ball to the center of the court via pass, he takes a terrible angle and goes alone. John Salmons is following closely behind for an uncontested lay-up, but that doesn’t stop Big Jo from soaring like a broken-winged eagle from some inexplicable distance and throwing it down. I didn’t think it went in at first. It seemed impossible. Oh, it was possible.

Though I’m being critical of the play now, when it happened, I stood up at the random gay bar where I was watching and high-fived my new friend Hector. It was that kind of play, and that kind of game: I high-fived a gay guy named Hector who couldn’t have differentiated the Celtics from the Bulls from the basketball. It was a wildly emotional moment. And I shared it with Hector.

Those wild emotions eventually settled, though. And after watching highlights of each game in this epic series, I am always reminded: This isn’t good basketball. The beauty of this sport lies in its controlled chaos. This is just chaotic. Doc Rivers has done so little coaching in this series, I am demoting him to Nurse Rivers. Vinny Del Negro has done so little coaching in this series, I am making him repeat his Freshman year.

Will I watch Game 7? Of fucking course. This is the most exciting series of my lifetime. Even Hector will watch that game. I originally started this post attempting to make the statement, “If you aren’t watching the Celtics-Bulls series by now, then you don’t like _____.” I couldn’t come up with an answer. Suspense? Intrigue? Sweaty, muscular men in shorts? Because that’s what Hector liked.

Most importantly, I didn’t feel comfortable inserting the phrase ‘good basketball.’ I’ve had a great time with this series, just like everyone else, but in some ways it makes me long for Stockton and the Mailman. Sure, they ran the same play all day, but they did that because of its perfect design. See, I like good basketball. I love it, even. And I am aware of its presence without ever checking the score. Celtics-Bulls has been exciting, but after each of these games I ask myself: Was that a great game or was I tricked by the scoreboard?

"Seriously, you two do any less we're going to make you buy a ticket."

"Seriously, you two do any less and we're going to make you buy a ticket."

Posted by BA Brokeass

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This play is as chaotic as this series.

This play is as chaotic as this series.

I told myself if scrappy, little Rajon Rondo dropped one more triple double on a stat sheet I would be forced to write about him. 28 points, 11 assists, and 8 rebounds later…still no post, Rajon! This isn’t a horseshoes blog, close doesn’t count!

Obviously, Rondo (averaging a triple double for the series) has been spectacular and he deserves credit for elevating his game at a crucial juncture. But despite his heroics, Boston is barely holding on. On paper, Rondo is filling just about all of the roles left vacant by Kevin Garnett’s absence. On the court, though, they look like a completely different team.

The Boston Celtics aren’t great because of Garnett. They are The Boston Celtics because of him. This isn’t pick-up basketball; you can’t just assemble the best players and win. Teams are designed to play a certain way. When Rondo scores 28, 16 more than his season average, those points are coming from somewhere else, and often at the expense of the gameplan.

Paul Pierce has found a way to be decent in this series, because he, like Rondo, is capable of making his own offense. Ray Allen has suffered immensely. It is not a knock on Ray-Ray to say his points are manufactured. He is a key component of the offense, so when that offense breaks down, he is lost. As are the majority of the Celtics, while Rondo and Pierce audible on clear-outs all game.

The Bulls have stuck around in this series for far different reasons than we originally imagined. Touted as a gritty, defensive team, the Bulls were expected to counter Boston nicely in a low-scoring series. Instead, Boston has played right into the hands of the Bulls two important rookies: PG, Derrick Rose and head coach, Vinny Del Negro.

Despite Rose’s epic talents, he should be outmatched in this series for lack of experience. Let’s not forget, he had one year with Calipari at Memphis adhering to a gameplan that was, ostensibly, “Do your thing, Derrick,” followed by a season under the minimalistic tutelage of Del Negro, who should also be outmatched in this series. The Celtics, when resembling themselves, are focused and disciplined. They play within their system and force you to adjust to them, something Vinny Del Negro would’ve failed at.

Lucky for VDN, the coaches have been reduced to spectators as this series has turned into a glorified two-on-two featuring Derrick Rose and Ben Gordon vs. Rajon Rondo and Paul Pierce. If this series goes the distance it will be one of the longest (total minutes) in NBA history. Seems fitting, since we all know a good pick-up game can last all day.

Like any loyal Pistons fan, I hate the Celtics. I like it when they lose. But I love basketball, and that Boston squad from a year ago was special. They were the opposite of the one we are watching right now. The Bulls aren’t very good. Not yet, at least. They are in this series because Boston is playing down to their level. I know KG can’t suit up for his team, but you’d think he could maybe shame a few of them into remembering who they play for. Celtic pride used to mean something. But I guess that was way back last year.

KG finds alternative ways to contribute.

KG finds alternative ways to contribute.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Tony, how could you mess up that play?  Sometimes I just wish you were dead."

"Tony, you fuck up one more play and you're dead to me."

Someone wants the Celtics’ Tony Allen dead, and it’s not just the guys on his team.

Apparently, Allen receives death threats every time he returns to his hometown of Chicago. This seems to stem from a fist-fight he was involved in outside a Chi-town restaurant in 2005.

The funniest thing about this story is that when a reporter asked him about the death threats, Tony responded,”Is that what you’re going to write about? Is that what you’re going to write about?” and then walked away in a huff. Uh… What the hell else would they want to talk to you about, Tony Allen? ‘Tony, what’s the view like from the bench? Does the low angle make the players on the court look more commanding?’

Tony went on to play nine scoreless minutes last night against the Bulls. After the game, when a reporter asked about his performance, Tony responded, ‘Maybe you’d better ask me about those death threats now.’

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Aaron Brooks stays well-fed.

Aaron Brooks stays well-fed.

Rockets 108, Blazers 81: When I said Aaron Brooks was gonna eat, I was thinking a light meal. Y’know, soup, salad, maybe some breadsticks. But Aaron set up an all-you-can-eat buffet in the Rose Garden, going for 27 points, 7 assists and 4 rebounds as the Rockets destroyed the Blazers in Portland. Yao shot a perfect 9 for 9, scoring all 24 of his points in the first half as the Rockets came strong out of the gate. This was clearly a case of one team being ready and the other… not so much. I’m sure the Blazers will find their legs.

Hawks 90, Heat 64: This one surprised me. The Hawks were motivated. When’s the last time that happened? Last year’s playoffs, I guess. Atlanta held D-Wade to 19 points. I don’t see that happening again. If it does, this series is over. On another note, I take Josh Smith’s performance from the free thow line (5-6) as a personal insult. Josh Smith was on my fantasy team this season and was a disaster from the free throw line – lots of 1 for 7 performances.

Sixers 100, Magic 98: The Magic had something to prove in this game and they failed to do it. They gave up an eighteen-point lead at home to a crappy Sixers squad. I’m still sure the Magic will win this series, but they aren’t going anywhere this year, as usual. Magic = softbatch.

Nuggets 113, Hornets 84: Chauncey Billups had 36 points, hitting a career playoff high 8 three-pointers and still finding time to drop 8 dimes. Ouch. Meanwhile…

Cavs 102, Pistons 84: Lebron James abused Tayshaun Prince (what else is new?) for 38, 8 and 8 while Tay responded with 4 , 2 and 2. No single player can really hope to stop Lebron but it’s been clear for a while now that LBJ is inside Tayshaun’s head. The one ray of hope for the Pistons in this game: Stuckey scored 20 and played fairly well. Stuckey has to play well for this series to be worth anything to the Pistons.

Bulls 105, Celtics 103: Derrick Rose blew up for 36 points and 11 assists as the Bulls stunned the Celtics in OT. As predicted, the Bulls have come to play. But I don’t think the Celtics are in trouble. Yet. Rajon Rondo put in a good one with 29 points, 7 assists and 9 rebounds.

Mavs 105, Spurs 97: The Mavs were down 11 after the first quarter, but came back to win their first road playoff game in three years. Tim Duncan and Tony Parker played well. BUT THERE’S NOBODY ELSE!! Big win for the Mavs.

Lakers 113, Jazz 100: The Lakers were ready to go. No surprise there. The Jazz’ advantage at point guard was clear – Deron Williams had 17 assists – but it didn’t matter. Trevor Ariza had 21 for the Purp-and-Gold. And Kobe did this:

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Bulls-Celtics and Mavs-Spurs get their game 2 on tonight.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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