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Archive for March, 2010

Remember when I told you I’d deliver a brand new Brokeass video every Friday? Well I lied. It’s been weeks! And just when you finally got over the hurt here I am again with a brand new Brokeass video on a Friday. And I did it to teach you a lesson. That lesson is: People lie. And they let you down. And just when you get over the hurt they go ahead and reopen the wound. And it’s the most important people who burn you the worst; like your father or your lover or BA Brokeass. I would say I’m sorry, but the truth is this needed to happen. Because now you can get over what your father did to you. He’s just a man, and you’re not so perfect yourself. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re welcome. Now here’s the video:

Had to give the NBA some love after I bashed them so hard yesterday. I still got nothin’ but grandmotherly love for you, NBA.

Posted by BA Brokeass.

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Admittedly, I’m a little late on this clip.  It’s from last week but it’s so gay, it defies an expiration date.  It’s preserved by gayness.  Or maybe it’s just nicely aged like a fine gay wine.  Mellow to the nose, a crispness on the palate, a clean, full-mouthed gayosity.  Or something.

In case you’re wondering, yes, this is a clip of Josh Smith lovingly caressing teammate Mike Bibby.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Awk-ward.  What’s the opposite of ‘No Homo?’

When Mike Bibby complained to the coaching staff about his lack of touches, I don’t think that’s what he meant, Josh Smith!  Awww, we got ZING for days up in this mug!

I have no idea what the hell is going on here.  And clearly, neither does Mike Bibby… Or does he?

Sure, his words are saying no.  But there’s a playfulness in his eyes…. a coy, come-hither quality.  You see it.  Don’t deny it.

I, for one, do not want to live in a world where two teammates can’t engage in some heavy petting during a timeout.

Mike Bibby and his crew... not gay at all.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Aaron Brooks catches a nap before the endless NBA Playoffs begin.

Dubbs, you can pretend to care about these grown-ass men if it makes you feel better about aging, but me, I’m clinging to youth until the cops yank me off.

The NCAA Tournament is like when your cool-couple friends get married and everyone eats and gets drunk and dances until the reception hall smells like the dumpster behind a Taco Bell. The only downer at the cool-couple wedding is when your lame-couple friends who are soberly having fun for entirely different reasons have to remind everyone that their upcoming wedding will be just as much fun as this one. Everyone disingenuously agrees and begins hoping for a conflicting funeral or Bris that weekend. The lame-couple wedding is the NBA Playoffs.

Now I’m not saying the NBA should invoke a single-elimination, field of 64 tournament like college has. Mostly because there aren’t 64 teams in the league, which means non-NBA teams would have to be included like Benetton Treviso or the Rio Grande Valley Vipers or the New Jersey Nets. And no one wants to see that.

I’m not sure what I think the NBA should do differently, I just know the NCAA Tournament is better. Every year one NBA team’s city gets to declare, “We won!” at the end of the NBA Playoffs. Meanwhile, one million bracket champions get to declare, “I won!” at the end of the NCAA Tournament. It all sunk in while watching the final few seconds tick off the clock in West Virginia’s second round victory over Missouri on Sunday, gasping at every guffaw and heralding every heroic from “my team,” the victorious Mountaineers. I don’t care about West Virginia. I definitely done care about Missouri. Hell, I often forget they are states let alone colleges.  And yet there I was offering the focus of a doting parent to a game between two teams that don’t matter. Why? Because it affected my bracket, and the NCAA Tournament, more than any other playoffs, is about me rooting for me.

By the way, my bracket is kicking ass, Dubbs. You should root for me, too.

Look, I know there’s something to be said for a classic seven-game slugout between great, evenly-matched teams. But I’m not the Brokeass to say it. To me, a seven-game series is just a six-game preview for the one game I wanna see. Name the greatest Game 3 in history. You can’t. The greatest Game 3 ever was sheer agony, like every other Game 3. The NCAA knows the key to keeping my attention is to leave me wanting more. NBA Playoffs, girl, you text too much.

West Virginia, I could not be happier over your victory. Now kindly please lose.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Nick Young smells it.

I know everybody’s all wrapped up in March Madness right now.  I get it.  Believe me, I like watching goofy white guys from schools I’ve never heard of located in towns I don’t believe exist jack up three pointers for forty minutes as much as the next guy.  And there’s nothing quite like the thrill of watching a better team with far superior athletes lose to a team that practices against stalks of corn because their coach had a massive brain fart and forgot about the existence of the full-court press.  Hooray.  But let’s talk about the NBA, where the most skilled professionals in the world make their home.  You know, players like Andray Blatche (whoops, there goes my argument!).

Blatche, he of the forever-looming upside, has been the lone bright spot in the Washington Wizards’ season from hell, averaging 23 points and 9 boards, while shooting about 50%, since the All-Star break.  It seemed like he was finally coming into his own.  But Tuesday night, while the Wizards were on their way to losing their 12th consecutive game, Blatche was pulled for missing a defensive assignment and afterwards refused to go back in the game, supposedly telling the coaches “he just didn’t want to play.”

Coach Flip Saunders (ugh) said it was “the most disappointed I’ve ever been in 15 years with a player.”

This is coming from a guy who coached Rasheed Wallace AND the Minnesota Timberwolves.  This man once started a backcourt of Sam Cassell and Latrell Sprewell.  He coached Stephon Marbury.  These guys are paragons of disappointment. Also, um… Flip Saunders had two players suspended for the rest of this season for GUNPLAY!  You would think that would be at least the most disappointed he’d been in a player this year.  But no, Andray Blatche is apparently more disappointing.  Congrats Andray!  You done did it!  Welcome to the All-Headcase Team!  You already know the team’s coach – it’s Flip Saunders!  (Seriously, outside of Kevin Garnett and Chauncey Billups, Saunders has basically made a career out of coaching – or not coaching, if you prefer – headcases.)

I think the worst part of this story is being forced to confront the fact that Flip Saunders has been an NBA coach for 15 years.  Jesus Christ, that shit is enough to make me want to watch college basketball.  Just kidding, guys!  I’ve got the fever too!  Just don’t forget, after March Madness comes April Sadness!  Whatever the fuck that means!

BBBBLLATTTTCHHHE!!

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Let’s be honest:  The last year or so has been rough for Michigan sports fans.  Between the rapid decline of the Pistons, the bottom falling out of the University of Michigan football program, the struggle to return to pre-sanctions relevance for the UMich basketball team, the Tigers’ woes, the Red Wings losing the Cup, and the continued shitification of the Lions, there hasn’t been a lot to cheer about.

But during Friday’s Big Ten Tournament match-up between Michigan and Ohio State, when Manny Harris hit a clutch shot to put the Wolverines up two with 2 seconds left, a little ray of light poked through the storm clouds.  Maybe, just maybe, we thought.  Eh, we should’ve known better.  And honestly, we’ve had enough:

See you at the stitch n’ bitch, lil’ homies!

Posted by MC Yarn & DJ Thimble

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J-Kwon Is Lost And Found

Can we lose him again please?

Apparently, rapper J-Kwon – whom you may remember from his ubiquitous 2004 hit “Tipsy” – was missing for a month.  And then, he was found.

Okay, first question:  Who noticed he was missing?

Second question:  Who the fuck talked?

Seriously, we had a good thing going for a minute there.  And you had to go and wreck it, whoever you are.  Thanks a lot.  Have you ever heard the expression, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it?”  Well, I think that applies here.  Maybe not.  Maybe it’s more of a “Don’t rock the boat” kind of thing.  Either way, you know what I’m saying.

So I guess the dude’s record label, Gracie Records, who released his albums Hood Hop 2 and Hood Hop 2.5, but not his 2004 debut Hood Hop, couldn’t get a hold of J-Kwon for a month and, understandably, freaked the eff out and released the following statement:

“J-Kwon is a big part of the Gracie family [J-Kwon is a big part of your record label? Whoops!], and we are obviously increasingly worried and want to make sure he is ok.  We’ve already received thousands of emails [read ‘dozens.’ No, what’s less than dozens? Singles? Singles of emails?] from fans and supporters who are worried about J-Kwon [“Dear Gracie Records, I am worried about J-Kwon.  Where he be at? Sincerely, Lil’ Stupid”], and we want everyone to know how much we appreciate the love and support. If anyone has seen J-Kwon or has access to him, please let him know we are worried about him, and to please let us know everything is ok.”

Anyway, it turns out the dude wasn’t really missing at all, he just wasn’t returning phone calls.  But he finally got in touch with his label to let them know he was alright.  He was just enjoying some quality ‘me’ time.  And maybe suffering from serious mental depression.  So all’s well that ends well.

This is basically like the Boner from Growing Pains story, but with a happy ending. Depending on your perspective.  What?  Too soon?  Are the J-Kwon wounds too fresh?

I just hope this doesn’t delay the release of Hood Hop 2.75.

Cuz I have been waiting on that jawn!

Posted by LA Dubbs

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"My prostate is this big!"

The Boston Celtics have signed veteran Michael Finley.  Um… what for?

Michael Finley is 37 years old.  The Celtics are already an old team.  Getting older by the second (but aren’t we all?).  I thought the idea here was to sign players who still had cartilidge in their knees… hence the Nate Robinson signing.  Do they really need another old-ass broken-body that chucks up too many 3’s?  They already have several.  This move is a real… HEADSCRATCHER!

In other head-scratching news (I can already sense that this feature won’t be returning in another post… but I’ve committed to this one so let’s close it out strong), the Minnesota Timberwolves have announced that Darko Milicic will start the next couple games. This is only a temporary move, as Al Jefferson is suspended two games for a DWI.  Darko says, “his comfort level and conditioning are increasing, though his current plan remains to return to Europe after the season.”  Oh, good, his comfort level’s increasing.  This is only his seventh season in the NBA so, you know… any day now.

Why bother starting this guy?  He’s been publicly maintaining all season that he’s going back to Europe to play next season.  Which is just a real great way to show your commitment to your team.  So why give him anything?  Why not bring some hungry kid up from the D-League.  Y’know, someone who actually wants to be there.

Still…what if Darko plays really well, and they reward him with a permanent starting position, and he turns it all around and finally becomes a really good player?  Then, everyone would shit all over Joe Dumars for letting him go too soon.  And Joe D.’s head would explode.  Because he would realize that there’s just no winning.

Either way… HEADSCRATCHER!!!

(oof.)

Here we see Darko's famously punishing workout regimen.

Posted by LA Dubbs


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