Archive for May 26th, 2009

"I think I like Stan now."  "Me too!  Wanna shower together?"

"I think I like Stan now." "Me too! Wanna shower together?"

I was upset at the number of times that they flopped last night. I mean, Ben Wallace and Mo Williams fell down more times than a baby learning to walk.” – Stan Van Gundy

As everyone who reads this site knows, I’ve long been a supporter of Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy.  People are always making fun of him for being fat and ugly, wearing mock turtlenecks, screaming during games like he got his nuts stuck in a bear-trap, and looking like he bought his suits in bulk direct from the asshole of the Men’s Wearhouse guy.  But that’s weak sauce.  Those jokes are too easy.  And making fun of someone’s appearance isn’t cool, it’s just mean.  Stan is an underrated coach, a teacher and a motivator. And dude-bro is a quote machine.

The above quote is great for a couple reasons.  First, Mo Williams’ entire performance in this series could accurately be described as resembling a baby learning to walk.  He has no idea what the fuck he’s doing out there and he keeps falling down and splitting his head open. (You remember being a kid, right?)  Second, this is the first and last time Ben Wallace has ever been described physically as a baby.  Ben Wallace is a great example of a little theory of mine I’ve dubbed The Reverse Benjamin Button theory.  Whereas Benjamin Button is born an old man and ages backwards, eventually becoming a baby, Ben Wallace keeps mysteriously growing older.  To quote a character in the film yet to be made of my theory, “His bones be ossified.”

In the same post-game interview, commenting on how many are pulling for a Lakers-Cavs Finals, Stan added:

This isn’t the BCS… people don’t get to vote for who they want to play.  We’re not in that ridiculous system.  This is real sports here, where you get to decide it on the court.”

As most of you know, Stan’s feud with the BCS dates back to when the BCS called Van Gundy out for… wait, no – that never happened.  Why is Stan taking shots at the BCS?  Who knows.  But it’s awesome.  The lesson to be learned here for all coaches, players and college football ranking selection systems is as follows:  Don’t come after SVG, or he will come after you.  Also, don’t not come after him, because he’ll still come after you.

ATP Rankings Committee… YOU’RE NEXT!

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Mo Williams is reasonably confident his team can do it.

Mo Williams is somewhat confident his team can do it.

Guarantee we’re going to win the series? Yeah, yeah. We are down 2-1. But there is nobody on this team and definitely not myself that says we are not going to win this series. Yeah, it is going to be tough. We know that. We get this game tomorrow, go home, still got home-court advantage. We don’t see ourselves losing two out of three at home.” — Mo Williams, inspiring very little confidence in his team.

Nothing like posing a guarantee as a question. Athlete interviews have become as calculated and uninspired as math tests. These men are trained to say nothing. Just ask Lebron. He won’t tell you, because he has been trained to say nothing. Mo not only says plenty, he says it poorly. Read sentence four: “But there is nobody on this team and definitely not myself that says we are not going to win this series.” Decontextualized, with only a few word omissions and no shift in sequence, this sentence can read, “There is nobody on this team and we are not going to win this series.” Even quoted word-for-word, with context, the sentence reeks of self-doubt. This guarantee should make Orlando more confident than ever.

And how about that last sentence: “We don’t see ourselves losing two out of three at home.” Mo Williams and his positive visualizations don’t see Cleveland losing a total of three out of four home games to the Orlando Magic. We are talking about a team that has lost three out of 47 home games this season. And the best Mo Williams can come up with is that he doesn’t see it happening a couple more times.

Usually guarantees are intended to rally the troops. Clearly, this time, Mo Williams was tricked into making one because he recently had his small brain jarred loose by an Anthony Johnson elbow. Guarantees often come from swelled heads. Apparently swelled faces do the trick, as well.

Screw that tissue! Get me a reporter!

"What happened? Did I make the All-Star team?"

Posted by BA Brokeass

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