Jason Richardson Shits The Bed

In Sunday night’s Spurs-Suns game, with 45 seconds left and the Suns down two to the Spurs, Phoenix steals the ball and Jason Richardson is off to the races:

Whoooops.  Why, hello there, Doctor Creamy Jeans!  Wha’ happen?

Now, look… this kind of thing happens to the best of us (which I guess explains why it’s never happened to me).  But given that this is a break-away, totally uncontested dunk by a two-time dunk contest champ that would tie the game in the closing seconds, we can derive only one conclusion, obviously using the most scientific of methods:  The Phoenix Suns cannot beat the San Antonio Spurs.  Ever. End of Story. Goodbye.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Number 23

Lebron’s winning shot from Game 2 of Cleveland-Orlando has been shown more times than Paris Hilton’s hoo-ha. If you’ve been under a rock (or in Paris Hilton’s hoo-ha), check it out:

Huge shot, no question. Was it Jordanesque? It depends which Jordan we are talking about. It was reminiscent of the shot referred to (creatively) as “The Shot.” But that predates Jordan’s first championship by two seasons. In the time between “The Shot” and “The Ring,” MJ went from winning games to playing like a winner. Lebron will learn the difference eventually.

The #23 that won all those ‘ships could’ve hit that 23-footer, but he wouldn’t have had to. Because he would never let a 23-point home-court lead evaporate. And if, miraculously, he did blow that lead, after sinking the game-winner he wouldn’t look shocked by it. Even if he was stunned, he wouldn’t then run around like a crazed puppy/Glen Davis. He would pump the fist, nod to Oakley for setting the screen, and walk off the court. Same as any shot (minus the walking off the court part).

The first two games of this series really call into question the season-long lovefest between Lebron and his Cavlings. Chemistry is an important quality to find in balanced teams. Our recently deceased Pistons were friends and equal partners in success. San Antonio was the best squad of the decade thanks to a proportional attack. Most teams aren’t built that evenly. Jordan’s teammates feared him like the devil. Kobe Bryant, despite all his posturing, hates every person on the planet. KG makes his teammates cry. They are all champions.

Thanks to a decided lack of adversity during the regular season and first two playoffs rounds, Lebron has been allowed to act as benevolent king. Heading to Orlando at the disadvantage, we will now see if he can rule with an iron fist. All signs point to no. Cleveland didn’t defeat the Magic, Lebron did. A killer makes sure everyone recognizes that. He definitely doesn’t celebrate alongside the punks that almost blew it for him. My father never gave me a hug after bailing me out of a pickle. And he is required to love me.

After blowing two massive leads, someone needs to yell at these Cavaliers. At this point the King’s verbal wrath will do more damage than good. Game 3 could end up Cleveland vs. Orlando and a Delonte West pout session. Lebron has coddled these fools for too long and now he’s worried about upsetting his friends. What he doesn’t yet realize is that friendships are for the offseason (and gay poses are for the championship trophy presentation). The season, and especially the playoffs, are a struggle. If it doesn’t feel like all work, you’re probably not trying hard enough.

The Original 23 never had that problem. And he didn’t need to be called King for everyone to know he ruled the game. The Current 23, “King” James, can’t even keep his own house in order. For all his greatness, Lebron still has a few lessons to learn.

Lesson 1: Hugs are for the mediocre.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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NBA Playoffs: Pussycake Edition

Bitchmade.

Last night, Tony Parker had his way with the Mavs, scoring 38 points on the way to a 105-84 win by the Spurs. Parker had 19 points in the first quarter! Afterwards, the Mavs’ Erick Dampier had this to say:

Every time he comes in the lane, we have to put him on his back. The first foul has to let him know it’s going to be a long night. I’m going to do that with my first foul Thursday. I guarantee it.”

There’s nothing so terrifying as being threatened by the man Shaquille O’Neal once referred to as ‘Ericka’ Dampier.

This is laughable on so many levels. First, way to wait until Tiny drops 38 on you to decide you’re going to get tough. Second, real tough guys don’t talk. Charles Oakley didn’t tell people he was gonna lay them out. He just laid them out. And finally, come off it, Erick. You ain’t hurtin’ nothin’! You touch Tony Parker and Tim Duncan will put you on your big, immobile ass. Shit, Parker might even lay you out himself.

As my Bubby used to say, there’s nothing worse than a fugazy. Wait, that was Tim Thomas. I get them mixed up sometimes. Either way… just do you, Erick. You’re the definition of a gentle giant. Just sit your wide ass on the bench and write you some poetry about the arc of the ball as it soars through the air or the plight of the ballboy or some shit.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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NBA Playoffs: Weekend Notes

Aaron Brooks stays well-fed.

Rockets 108, Blazers 81: When I said Aaron Brooks was gonna eat, I was thinking a light meal. Y’know, soup, salad, maybe some breadsticks. But Aaron set up an all-you-can-eat buffet in the Rose Garden, going for 27 points, 7 assists and 4 rebounds as the Rockets destroyed the Blazers in Portland. Yao shot a perfect 9 for 9, scoring all 24 of his points in the first half as the Rockets came strong out of the gate. This was clearly a case of one team being ready and the other… not so much. I’m sure the Blazers will find their legs.

Hawks 90, Heat 64: This one surprised me. The Hawks were motivated. When’s the last time that happened? Last year’s playoffs, I guess. Atlanta held D-Wade to 19 points. I don’t see that happening again. If it does, this series is over. On another note, I take Josh Smith’s performance from the free thow line (5-6) as a personal insult. Josh Smith was on my fantasy team this season and was a disaster from the free throw line – lots of 1 for 7 performances.

Sixers 100, Magic 98: The Magic had something to prove in this game and they failed to do it. They gave up an eighteen-point lead at home to a crappy Sixers squad. I’m still sure the Magic will win this series, but they aren’t going anywhere this year, as usual. Magic = softbatch.

Nuggets 113, Hornets 84: Chauncey Billups had 36 points, hitting a career playoff high 8 three-pointers and still finding time to drop 8 dimes. Ouch. Meanwhile…

Cavs 102, Pistons 84: Lebron James abused Tayshaun Prince (what else is new?) for 38, 8 and 8 while Tay responded with 4 , 2 and 2. No single player can really hope to stop Lebron but it’s been clear for a while now that LBJ is inside Tayshaun’s head. The one ray of hope for the Pistons in this game: Stuckey scored 20 and played fairly well. Stuckey has to play well for this series to be worth anything to the Pistons.

Bulls 105, Celtics 103: Derrick Rose blew up for 36 points and 11 assists as the Bulls stunned the Celtics in OT. As predicted, the Bulls have come to play. But I don’t think the Celtics are in trouble. Yet. Rajon Rondo put in a good one with 29 points, 7 assists and 9 rebounds.

Mavs 105, Spurs 97: The Mavs were down 11 after the first quarter, but came back to win their first road playoff game in three years. Tim Duncan and Tony Parker played well. BUT THERE’S NOBODY ELSE!! Big win for the Mavs.

Lakers 113, Jazz 100: The Lakers were ready to go. No surprise there. The Jazz’ advantage at point guard was clear – Deron Williams had 17 assists – but it didn’t matter. Trevor Ariza had 21 for the Purp-and-Gold. And Kobe did this:

Bulls-Celtics and Mavs-Spurs get their game 2 on tonight.

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NBA Playoff Predictions: First Round, Western Conference

Go West, young man, and grow up with the country. It’s time for our Western Conference picks!

(1) LOS ANGELES LAKERS VS. (8) UTAH JAZZ

"Ronnie, I said tweak it and blow on it, not palm it!"

BROKEASS: Utah didn’t pick the best time to start playing their worst basketball of the season, but they should be better and I think they will be better. The Lakers clearly are better. In virtually every way. That being said, I think the Jazz are being prematurely written-off. Deron Williams is going to annihilate Derek Fisher and Utah is historically brutal for visiting teams. But those factors will only serve to delay the inevitable. Lakers in 6.

DUBBS: Utah has a lot of talent. And a good coach. And the most awful fans in the League. But they’ve been sucking it lately. And the Lakers are too good – easily the best in the West. Lakers in 4.

BROKEASS: Utah has some chemistry issues, but the playoffs can often resolve that. Ask Rasheed Wallace. Besides, Boozer, Memo, and Millsap need to have strong showings if they hope to earn big free agent paychecks. The Lakers are cocky right now, as the result of too many people declaring them de facto Champions of the West. I think they’re going to be tested.

DUBBS: The Lakers are too deep, too versatile, too good and too Kobe. The Lakers may be tested, but it won’t be by this mötley crüe. A team is not going to have an epiphany and suddenly find themselves while playing a juggernaut like the Lakers. They are going to suddenly find themselves getting crushed. And, as Cleveland found out, if you have to rely on Carlos Boozer, you’re in trouble.

BROKEASS: How dare you? Carlos Boozer is the type of guy you trust with your kids.

(2) DENVER NUGGETS VS. (7) NEW ORLEANS HORNETS

"James, I can feel the baby kicking!"

DUBBS: Denver can be an up-and-down team. But Chauncey will give them the stability they need in the playoffs. Chris Paul will certainly pose a lot of problems for him but he won’t abuse Le Chaunce the way he did J-Kidd in their matchup last playoffs. And Billups is too big for Paul on the offensive end. He should be able to get what he needs. Mostly, the Hornets are just way too thin. Denver in 5.

BROKEASS: Sure, Mr. Big Shot is nice, but what about Big Game James Posey? I think this series goes to 7 because, while neither team floors me, I like the clutchness of both. CP3 will be singularly good enough to stretch it, but not win it. Carmelo at the buzzer, Denver in 7.

DUBBS: Wow, you’re calling it down to the buzzer!? Neck tattoo to Neck tattoo. I like it. I don’t see it, but I like it. Also, Big Game James has to be the least-maintained nickname since Mr. Big Shot. Carmelo Anthony will roll right over him.

BROKEASS: Fine, forget about the dagger-thrower James Posey. Get ready for the epic resurgence of Tyson Chandler!

DUBBS: They sent Chandler to the OKC Thunder and the Thunder sent him back! They have like three guys on that team. Nothing but roster spots. And they returned his ass! One last reason Denver will win: The Birdman is gonna fly!

(3) SAN ANTONIO SPURS VS. (6) DALLAS MAVERICKS

Who will survive the standing-8 count?

BROKEASS: This is one of those series where home-court doesn’t matter. And not just because the teams play down the road from each other. No two teams understand each other better than the Spurs and Mavs and I expect every game to be tightly contested. This battle won’t be as epic as previous ones, but it stands to be one of the better match-ups in a pretty weak crop of first-round pairings. In the end, I am picking San Antonio, because they just don’t know how to lose this early. Plus, my knees creak when I think about what Tony Parker is going to do to J-Kidd. Spurs in 7.

DUBBS: The Mavs are playing well. Dirk is Dirk. Jason Terry is instant offense off the bench. Yes, TP will undoubtedly torch Jason Kidd. But Carlisle has done a good job with Kidd this season. He’s hidden him well enough on D and worked him less on O, so he’s actually shooting the best he has in forever. And Jason Kidd is a lot of things but choke artist isn’t one of them. Ginobli is out. The Spurs ain’t winning without their Big Three. The Mavs have too much firepower. Mavs in 7.

BROKEASS: Dirk is Dirk, yes, for better and worse. Meanwhile, Timmy D is always Timmy D and that equals money in the bank. Rick Carlisle may be able to hide Kidd’s weaknesses, but not his own. Pop will straight-up father him. If these games stay close, and you know they will, are you betting the farm (ranch?) on the provens or the dis-provens? If Dallas was a youthful, athletic team I might pick them against the step-slower Spurs. But Dallas equals San Antonio in decrepitude. They expended too much fuel fighting for that 6 spot, and a half-tank of gas won’t get them out of San Antonio.

DUBBS: First of all, Dallas has beaten San Antonio before. Second, Timmy D ain’t always Timmy D. He’s aging. And without Manu there to extend and break down the defense, Dallas can key in on Duncan a lot more. Are Parker and Duncan gonna run pick-and-rolls every single play? The Spurs have two guys. That’s it. Are you really going to take Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Gregg Popovich’s pre-season beard against Dirk, Jason Terry, Jason Kidd, Josh Howard and a serviceable bench? And while I would never argue that Rick Carlisle is as good a coach as Popovich, he’s certainly a better coach than Avery Johnson. Everyone keeps saying you’ve gotta pick the Spurs until they lose. Well the Spurs have lost. Their supporting cast, like Manu’s hair, gets thinner every year. (The NBA: Where Zing! Happens.) Until they inject some young blood into that squad to support their Big Three, it’s over.

BROKEASS: You have no idea what Matt Bonner is capable of.

(4) PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS VS. (5) HOUSTON ROCKETS

Big Tree Fall Hard.

DUBBS: I really like Portland. They’re a gutsy young squad, with one of my favorite players in the NBA (Brandon Roy), a guy I really want to see succeed (Greg Oden), and a good, tough coach. But… Houston is a really good defensive team. Ron Artest and Shane Battier are gonna eat these young boys’ lunches. The two-headed power forward beast of Luis Scola and Carl Landry will swallow LaMarcus Aldridge up. And while Yao has trouble against smaller, more agile big men like Amare, he’s gonna play really well against Oden and Joel Pryzbilla. Plus, Tracy McGrady’s out – another point in Houston’s favor. I want Portland to win. But I’m picking Houston. In 7.

BROKEASS: Yao will be the best big man on the court, but Portland has plenty of bodies to throw at him. Przybilla and Channing Frye are lacking individually, but combine to provide a nice complement of skills and fouls. I predict Greg Oden makes serious noise in these playoffs. Let’s not forget, everyone questioned him in college until the Tournament. Then no one questioned him. Some guys are just built for this shit. I think Yao might be the McGrady to Oden’s Tayshaun Prince. Brandon Roy will have difficult match-ups, but is another guy who seems built for the playoffs. He was born with a veteran’s swagger. This should be a solid series; each team holds a few advantages. Portland secured home-court advantage by winning one more home game than Houston, and that will be the same difference in this series. I want Portland to win too…And they will. Blazers in 7.

DUBBS: If Greg Oden were “just built for this shit,” he wouldn’t keep breaking down. Oden is like the reverse Benjamin Button. The matchup between him and Yao is the immobile object vs. the unmoving force. Who will shatter into a thousand pieces first? Seriously, those dudes might break each other. They’re gonna finish the series playing wheelchair ball. Also, nice 2003 Tayshaun vs. McGrady reference. Way to broaden our readership.

BROKEASS: I thought 2003 was relevant in this series, since it was the last time Houston had a point guard. Seriously, who is their PG? Aaron Brooks? Kyle Lowry? Steve Blake is going to own those punks…And that line has never been written ever! This Houston group has never made it out of the first round for good reason: They are always a piece or two short. This year is no different. Of course, if Ron-Ron shows up in rare form (either as a player or an asshole), all bets are off. But I can’t wager on a team with so many question marks.

DUBBS: If Aaron Brooks is given a place at the table, he will eat! It only makes sense that Houston would finally get out of the first round without McGrady. It’ll allow his spiral of depression to continue to run its course. And too much is being made of Portland as the only team in the West that can challenge the Lakers. They haven’t even been in the playoffs since they were the Jailblazers. Jumps like that don’t happen in the NBA. It’s more of a steady progression. And Houston is ready to take that next step.

That’s it for the First Round. Check back throughout the playoffs for more tomfoolery.

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