I ♥ Quentin Richardson

KG throws some 'bows (and shits his pants???).

At the end of Boston’s  Game 1 victory over the Heat on Saturday, Kevin Garnett was ejected for throwing an elbow at Quentin Richardson during a scrum after Paul Pierce fell to the ground with a shoulder stinger.

KG claimed that Q-Rich was standing over Pierce and he was just trying to clear some room for Paul.

Q-Rich saw things a bit differently:

“I was trying to get over there to take the ball out of bounds and [Garnett] started to talk to me, so I talked back. I don’t have any business talking to him, he was on the ground crying. I don’t know what was going on, two actresses over there, that’s what they are.”

‘Two actresses’!!!  I think I just fell in love with Quentin Richardson.  The kind of love born out of a sense of deep respect between two men.

Quentin (my new life partner) wasn’t finished though.  Speak on, Q!:

“I just get surprised by people’s actions when I know them better than that. They’re not those characters they portray. They’re not who they say they are, Garnett and Pierce, they’re good basketball players and that’s about it.

“I said to Jermaine, he’s OK because I knew nobody touched him,” explained Richardson. “Is he taking another break like he does so many times? Sometimes he falls like he’s about to be out for the season and then he gets right up, that’s all I said.

“I don’t like them, and they know it.”

Good stuff.  Welcome back, Playoffs.

The league suspended Kevin Garnett one game for the elbow.  But I’m sure Rasheed Wallace will pick up the slack.

Or not.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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NBA Playoff Predictions: Second Round, Eastern Conference

Eastern Conference semi-finals:  Act like you know.  Eh, just act like you care.

(1) CLEVELAND CAVALIERS VS. (4) ATLANTA HAWKS

Nope. Too easy.

BROKEASS: Will this series even be televised?

DUBBS:  Everything Lebron does is televised.  He’s brushing his teeth on ESPN 12 right now.  In theory, the Hawks should match up well with the Cavs.  But this isn’t a theory class.  The Hawks first round series was uglier than Delonte West.  They are the type of team that can show up and take Boston to seven (like last season).  And they’re the type of team that can not show up and get taken to seven by Miami (this season).  If they pull their shit together, they have the talent to push the Cavs to seven.  But they could also lose in four.  Who knows which Atlanta team will show up?

BROKEASS: When we talk about teams that CAN win, it’s usually because they DON’T win. Nobody talks about Cleveland’s potential. We talk about Cleveland winning. And that’s exactly what we will be talking about during and after this series. Any Detroit Pistons can make it to the Playoffs, the second round is for contenders. Unfortunately, the Eastern Conference didn’t have enough of those teams, so the Hawks will be faking it for the cameras.

DUBBS: Well, at least we got Atlanta.  If Miami had won, all we’d hear about for the next week would be Lebron and Wade, Wade and Lebron.  What good friends and great competitors they are.  How they hang out together in the off-season and curl each other’s hair and drink miso soup out of each other’s foot-baths and have swordfights in the bathroom.  And the Cavs would have obliterated the Heat.  This series has the potential to be watchable.  Whoops, there’s that word again.

BROKEASS: I like the Hawks but those wayward souls make me uncomfortable.  Atlanta has no leader. Surprisingly, Josh Smith’s tantrums haven’t unified the team the way he expected. Lebron isn’t just the best player on his team, he is also the general they follow into battle. He takes all the guesswork out of the game, freeing a guy like Delonte up to do what he does best: Score the ball and look hideous (second Ugly Delonte joke, if you’re keeping score). Atlanta has guys that can score the ball – Six guys averaged in double figures. And guys that look hideous – I bet on Marvin Williams to win the Kentucky Derby (first Ugly Marvin joke, if you’re keeping score). But no one who takes care of all the other stuff that goes into winning. If scoring the ball and looking hideous was the perfect recipe for success, I’d be lacing up my Air Van Exels right now. But I ain’t. I wear $20 Starburys. Unrelated to winning.

DUBBS:  Atlanta might be motivated.  Joe Johnson needs to prove to people he’s just sleepy-looking and not actually asleep.  Josh Smith needs to prove he can hit that stupid between-the-legs dunk he missed so badly against the Heat.  And Mike Bibby needs to prove to Henry Bibby that he is worthy of his love.

BROKEASS: Newsflash, Mike Bibby: You’re not. Nobody is proving anything in this series, other than that time can move very slowly.

DUBBS: I’m gonna take a leap of faith and say Atlanta in 4.  Lebron is getting injured in Game One.  Shelden Williams is gonna do a run-in from the locker-room and take Lebron out with a chair while the referees are distracted.  Jim Ross will be apoplectic:  “Oh my god, it’s The Landlord, Shelden Williams!  He’s supposed to be on the Sacramento Kings!  He fooled us all!  The Landlord!”  And Shelden Williams will walk back to the locker-room with a smug look on his face and the Intercontinental Title Belt held aloft above his head.

BROKEASS: Just what the NBA needs – A Shelden Williams heel turn. Clearly the heel turn will be Lebron ripping off his Cavs jersey mid-series and joining the Knicks. I can already see Spike Lee cackling at confused fans on the Jumbotron. Just kidding – Boobie Gibson would be inconsolable. Seriously, Cleveland will win because this is basketball and the Hawks aren’t very good at it. Cavs sweep.

DUBBS:  I’m gonna go ahead and climb out on the really thin limb of this really tall tree during a windstorm and predict that Atlanta captures some of last year’s playoff magic and pushes the Cavs a bit.  Cavs in 7.

BROKEASS: If this series goes 7 I will gouge out my own eyes. The NBA: Where “Blindness” Happens.

(2) BOSTON CELTICS VS. (3) ORLANDO MAGIC

"I just wanna dance but the fat man in the turtleneck keeps shouting at me!"

DUBBS:  Can both of these teams lose?  That would be my preference.  I really like Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Rondo.  But my hatred for Kendrick Perkins, Eddie House and the bench version of KG is so intense that it’s difficult for me to root for the Celtics.  On the other hand, I’ve made my feelings on the Magic clear.  They are powder puffs.  They should be embarrassed by their play against Philly.  I won’t root for them until they get some tough guys down there to play actual playoff basketball.  Where’s Charles Oakley when you need him?

BROKEASS: Oak’s working the door at Jordan’s Cinco de Mayo tapas party. The Magic could get him for a Manwich and some dignity. Lifetime contract. Boston vs. Orlando: First team to four losses gets to go home. It’s hard to bet against Boston, because this unit remains undefeated in a playoff series. But it’s hard to bet on Boston, because they haven’t shown any signs of being that good this Playoffs. It’s hard to bet on Orlando, because they are so…Orlando. And it’s hard to bet against Orlando, because, well, Dwight should be unstoppable. Though for every “Dwight should be unstoppable,” uttered before, there is a “Dwight should’ve been unstoppable,” to be mentioned after.

DUBBS:  Exactly. With KG out, Dwight should dominate every game of this series.  But you know he’s not going to.  He just doesn’t seem to be able to take a series over like that.  Having said that, this is where the thinness of the Celtics frontcourt with both KG and Leon Powe out is really going to kill them.  Will Kendrick Perkins foul out of every game before the National Anthem is sung?  They can’t slide Big Baby over and Scalabrine can’t cover Dwight.  The weight of the world truly rests on Kendrick Perkins’ shoulders in this series.  So at least the look on his face will finally match up.

BROKEASS: Boston’s thinness will be an issue. And so will its thickness. Big Baby can’t cover Rashard on the wings or Hedo up top. Scalabrine is the basketball equivalent to a designated hitter. The Magic frontcourt is a nightmare for healthy opponents, and the injury-depleted Celtics are struggling with even mediocre bigs. Rafer Alston is not the perfect substitute for Jameer Nelson ever, but he should have an easier time skipping to his Lou against Rondo than the stout, inflexible Andre Miller, leading to more drop offs for Dwight and kick-outs for the 3-ballers.

DUBBS:  I’m tired of hearing about Jameer Nelson. People talk about it like if he were healthy, the Magic would win 8 championships in a row.  Rafer might not be a perfect substitute for Jameer Nelson but Jameer is not a perfect substitute for an actual point guard.  Let him go play NBA Jam at the arcade with Nate Robinson.  I’ll up his allowance.  Still, Rondo is going to eat Rafer Alston alive.  By the end of this series, Rafer is going to be talking about retiring (again) and fighting Sam Mitchell (again).  Also, um, JJ REDICK IS STARTING!!!!  JJ Redick wouldn’t make the Celtics practice squad.

BROKEASS: JJ only starts until Courtney Lee gets home from allergy camp, or wherever the fuck they sent his sinuses. Wow. The Magic are in trouble. But so are the Celtics. This is the first series I can think of where absolutely no one can guard anyone else. I guess it comes down to a battle of masterful coaches. Anybody know where we can find any masterful coaches? Between having homes in Boston and Orlando and doing nothing in the first round, Doc Rivers should at least be well-rested. So that’s an advantage.

DUBBS: Courtney Lee’s coming back?  Phew.  Championship saved.  Stan Van Gundy will show Doc Rivers the real meaning of flop sweat.  It comes down to this:  If Orlando allows a team like Philly to hang around without delivering the knockout blow until it’s almost too late, how will they will deal with a team that fights tooth and nail for every game?  That’s what’s so impressive about Boston.  They never stop fighting.  They never give up. Boston won’t give Orlando this series.  Orlando will have to take it. And I don’t think they have the stuff to do that.  Celtics in 6.

BROKEASS: And yet the Celts had to settle for a split decision victory over the Bulls, a team that wasn’t even strong enough to wrestle the 6 seed from Philly while the 76ers were in an end-of-the-season coma. Neither team proved themselves deserving of more basketball: Orlando lacks the toughness and Boston lacks the muscle. If this was single elimination I’d pick Boston for their heart. Over a series, I think Orlando’s size will wear on them.  Magic in 6.

DUBBS:  Fans of the Magic would love that prediction.  Too bad they don’t exist.

Will Dwight Howard finally stop turning the other cheek? Will Eddie House finally realize that hitting an open three-pointer doesn’t make you a tough guy? Will the Cavs bench finally realize they don’t get to follow Lebron to the Knicks? Will Kevin Garnett finally see video of his behavior on the bench and die of shame? Will Boobie Gibson finally realize that’s a birthmark on Delonte West’s face – not grape jelly?  Will Eddie House’s son finally realize his dad is a bit player in the NBA and not the hero he believes him to be?  Will Mo Williams finally realize its not an all-star slight if you’re not an all-star? Will Marvin Williams finally get braces to correct his wicked overbite? Will Stephon finally realize the Celtics organization is conspiring to hold him back?  Will Acie Law IV finally realize he’s the only Acie Law that matters? Will Mikki Moore finally realize he’s Busta Rhymes’ skeleton?  Will Marcin Gortat finally get the joke about how many Polish guys it takes to screw in a lightbulb? Will Flip Murray finally battle Flip Saunders in a duel to the death, winner gets to be an adult called Flip? Will Brian Scalabrine finally realize he’s Michael Rapaport?   Will Jeremy Richardson finally realize I don’t know who he is?  Will Mike Bibby finally realize he’s Eddie House’s brother-in-law and force his sister to get a divorce?  Will Doc Rivers finally realize he’s not a licensed medical practitioner? Will Stan Van Gundy’s moustache finally explode?  Will Kendrick Perkins finally figure out who farted?  Check back throughout the Playoffs for the answers to these questions – and more!

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Worst. Series. Ever.

Put your shirt on, Josh Smith. This ain't a Brandi Chastain moment.

We’ve used ample ink discussing the most exciting seven-game series in NBA Playoffs history (Celtics-Bulls). Let’s use way less talking about the least exciting: Miami vs. Atlanta. Thank God the Hawks put that series out of its misery.

Seven games, none of them decided by less than ten points. Average margin of victory: 19 points. And yet no one could reel off as many as two wins in a row. This series had more epic mood swings than Martin Lawrence in the 90′s. Let’s riff!

This series had more epic mood swings than CT on a RW/RR Challenge. This series had more epic mood swings than a date with Marv Albert. This series had more epic mood swings than a pothead ordering a donut. This series had more epic mood swings than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. This series had more epic mood swings than Lindsay Lohan…pregnant…constipated…on uppers. This series had more epic mood swings than me on a…Tuesday. ENOUGH!

We’ve already wasted too much time on this suckfest. Hawks and Heat, you know what you did. Don’t try to cover it up by moving on to the next series. Y’all should be ashamed of yourselves.

This play says it all:

Posted by BA Brokeass

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The Searing Pain of Regret

Go gentle into that good night, boys.

After all the accompanying anger and frustration during this season (and the last couple), the predominant emotion I feel at the end of it all is sadness. I’m sad and tired (kind of like Sheed).

There are several reasons its over, some complex, some as simple as guys getting old and windows closing. But the reason that this era came to a close at this exact moment in time, the reason it had to end now, is due to something intangible that no is talking about: Regret. This team can no longer support itself under the crushing weight of its own regret.

The Darko Milicic debacle. The Malice at the Palace. The failure to repeat as Champs after getting so close. The messy divorce from Larry Brown. Flaming out against the Heat in 2006. Losing to a lesser team in the Cavs in 2007. The weight from all this regret was too much for their collective shoulders. There’s no way to live all that down.

Remember when the Pistons were the team that never gave up? When their record in games when other teams were trying to close them out was impeccable? For the last couple seasons, they’ve been the team that doesn’t bother to show up to close-out games. They folded early in game 6 in Cleveland a couple years ago. They gave up in a winnable Game 6 of the Boston series last year, a game in which they held the lead in the fourth quarter. I remember watching and feeling like they were rolling over right before my eyes. And this year they didn’t even bother to show up for an entire playoff series. When a team starts giving up, there’s no road to return. It’s over.

It was a great run while it lasted. Pistons fans should be grateful. For a while there we had a very likable team, with no egos, that played hard, and played ‘the right way’ and it was a beautiful thing to behold. But the biggest holdover from this era will be the missed opportunities, the close calls and the regret. They should have accomplished more. Instead, their 2004 title will stand as an aberration, which isn’t to say that they didn’t earn it or deserve it – they did. But it is the exception to the rule that you need superstars to win an NBA title. If the Pistons had won more than one championship, they could’ve called that rule into question. Now, all we’re left to do is enjoy our asterisk. That’s not a slam – it’s a great, big, shining asterisk, one a fan can point to with pride.

Over the coming weeks we’ll be talking about what’s next. But for now, let’s mourn and think of better days.

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11 Seconds of Greatness

If they ever make a movie out of the career of Miami’s James Jones, it will be exactly eleven seconds long. These will be those seconds.

Rest assured, James Jones will never appear on this site again. Unless he slaps Louis Amundson. But that’s a longshot, James isn’t Lou’s type.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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The Return of the Babyfaced Gangsta

Watch him age right before your eyes.

Before the playoffs, if I told you that the series between the Heat and Hawks would return to Atlanta locked up at two, you probably wouldn’t have batted an eye. But if I told you the same thing, and also that Dwyane Wade has been a poor-man’s version of himself, well maybe then you might experience some eye movement. If not, see a doctor. You could be having a stroke.

Wade has handled volume scoring and controlled the offense (allowing Mario Chalmers to exclusively focus on looking goofy), but the most steady performer has been Jermaine O’Neal. The dominant big in this series, he has averaged almost 17 and 6 for the series, while routinely schooling Atlanta’s Sammy Sosa look-a-like Al Horford. It won’t be enough if D-Wade doesn’t mystify, but it has helped to remove some pressure from the overloaded back of the team’s superstar. JO said, “D-Wade, let me carry a few dudes!” Then a few players jumped on and O’Neal promptly slipped a disc.

Here at AF4D we like to poke fun at JO, because he is ridiculous and brittle and went from 25 to 40 in the span of like a month and a half. But he has stepped up this series. Without him, Miami is seriously over-matched. He is still ridiculous and brittle and unnaturally old. And we will never stop making fun of him. And Miami probably remains overmatched.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is: Fuck Jermaine O’Neal. Wait – I think I had a different message when I started. Oh well. Fuck him.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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Party Time in Hotlanta!

Fuck this guy's life.

Before the NBA Playoffs began, Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem, co-captains of the Miami Heat, set a no-partying policy for their team during the post-season.

If I were Wade and Haslem, I would’ve gone with the no-pants policy. It would have helped just as much (maybe more – Mike Beasley’s thighs are an inspiration). The Heat lost their first game in Atlanta by 26 points. Maybe they should’ve played drunk.

One of the best pick-up games I’ve ever played was when I was brutally hungover. I couldn’t think, so my mind went quiet and I just reacted. That story is obviously analogous to a group of professional basketball players in the playoffs so shut up.

Dwyane and Zo get their party on at the early bird buffet.

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NBA Playoffs: Weekend Notes

Aaron Brooks stays well-fed.

Rockets 108, Blazers 81: When I said Aaron Brooks was gonna eat, I was thinking a light meal. Y’know, soup, salad, maybe some breadsticks. But Aaron set up an all-you-can-eat buffet in the Rose Garden, going for 27 points, 7 assists and 4 rebounds as the Rockets destroyed the Blazers in Portland. Yao shot a perfect 9 for 9, scoring all 24 of his points in the first half as the Rockets came strong out of the gate. This was clearly a case of one team being ready and the other… not so much. I’m sure the Blazers will find their legs.

Hawks 90, Heat 64: This one surprised me. The Hawks were motivated. When’s the last time that happened? Last year’s playoffs, I guess. Atlanta held D-Wade to 19 points. I don’t see that happening again. If it does, this series is over. On another note, I take Josh Smith’s performance from the free thow line (5-6) as a personal insult. Josh Smith was on my fantasy team this season and was a disaster from the free throw line – lots of 1 for 7 performances.

Sixers 100, Magic 98: The Magic had something to prove in this game and they failed to do it. They gave up an eighteen-point lead at home to a crappy Sixers squad. I’m still sure the Magic will win this series, but they aren’t going anywhere this year, as usual. Magic = softbatch.

Nuggets 113, Hornets 84: Chauncey Billups had 36 points, hitting a career playoff high 8 three-pointers and still finding time to drop 8 dimes. Ouch. Meanwhile…

Cavs 102, Pistons 84: Lebron James abused Tayshaun Prince (what else is new?) for 38, 8 and 8 while Tay responded with 4 , 2 and 2. No single player can really hope to stop Lebron but it’s been clear for a while now that LBJ is inside Tayshaun’s head. The one ray of hope for the Pistons in this game: Stuckey scored 20 and played fairly well. Stuckey has to play well for this series to be worth anything to the Pistons.

Bulls 105, Celtics 103: Derrick Rose blew up for 36 points and 11 assists as the Bulls stunned the Celtics in OT. As predicted, the Bulls have come to play. But I don’t think the Celtics are in trouble. Yet. Rajon Rondo put in a good one with 29 points, 7 assists and 9 rebounds.

Mavs 105, Spurs 97: The Mavs were down 11 after the first quarter, but came back to win their first road playoff game in three years. Tim Duncan and Tony Parker played well. BUT THERE’S NOBODY ELSE!! Big win for the Mavs.

Lakers 113, Jazz 100: The Lakers were ready to go. No surprise there. The Jazz’ advantage at point guard was clear – Deron Williams had 17 assists – but it didn’t matter. Trevor Ariza had 21 for the Purp-and-Gold. And Kobe did this:

Bulls-Celtics and Mavs-Spurs get their game 2 on tonight.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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NBA Playoff Predictions: First Round, Eastern Conference

Our picks are in, complete with expert analysis! Don’t blame us when your bookie comes to collect.

(1) CLEVELAND CAVALIERS VS. (8) DETROIT PISTONS

"Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind, smiles we gave to one another, for the way we were."

Let’s get this one out of the way.

DUBBS: Cavs in 4. The Cavs are really hard to beat at home. I see the Cavs winning the first two at home, with at least the second game being a close one. After going down 0-2, the Pistons will fold. Goodbye Iverson. Bye-bye Sheed. Hello… Paul Millsap?

BROKEASS: I’m going with the Cavs in 3. No, seriously, Lebron will carve the Pistons up just like he did the last two times these teams faced off in the playoffs. He’ll average 40 in the Cleveland games before the “BJ Armstrong All-Stars” humiliate the Pistons at the Palace. On second thought, maybe the Cavs will win in 3. Either way, at the end of Sheed’s last game as a Piston, he’ll be sure to give Bronny a long, heartfelt embrace.

DUBBS: Yeah, Sheed’s gotta pass that torch from five years ago. So we both have Sheed gone after this year, but you have him leaving during the series. Where do you see Sheed going? I think both he and Iverson should head to Charlotte and reunite with LB.

BROKEASS: I’m not sure Sheed won’t retire, but if he signs a new deal Charlotte would be a wise decision. Old stomping grounds, old coach, young nucleus. And he could do almost every bit for Emeka Okafor what he did for Ben Wallace. As for Iverson, I don’t give a shit. Stick the “A-I” between “J” and “L” for all I care.

DUBBS: Yeah, Sheed could mentor Okafor like he does Dwight Howard. Except they’d actually be on the same team, making it, y’know, appropriate. And Iverson still has college eligibility, right? He should enroll at Florida International University and play for Isiah. Zeke could teach him how to run the point.

(2) BOSTON CELTICS VS. (7) CHICAGO BULLS

Paul Pierce feels the music. Ty Thomas feels it move.

BROKEASS: I like Chicago to give Boston a hard time in this series. Especially if KG is inactive. The Bulls can match the defensive intensity of these Celts and that will result in some tough-fought games. Maybe even a tough-fought fight. I’ve got the Celtics in 6.

DUBBS: Agreed, Celtics in 6. I like Chicago right now. If they had made it to the 6 seed, I would pick them to upset Orlando. Derrick Rose is coming into his own and he’ll make a mark in this series. Ty Thomas and Noah have been playing well. And who’s gonna guard John Salmons?!?! But I think the Celtics will be super-motivated without KG. Pierce is gonna go off.

BROKEASS: I never thought I would read myself write this, but I think Chicago will suffer for the absence of Luol Deng. They need a calming presence that D-Rose does not yet provide. This will no doubt be his coming-out party as an individual, but this Rose is not yet fully in bloom when it comes to running a team. Ugh, did I just type that? Gag me with a penis. Who dominates the Battle of Connecticut: Gordon or Allen?

DUBBS: Allen, most definitely. He’s had a resurgent year, after recovering from last season’s ankle injuries. He’ll be better than Gordon. And I agree with you about the calming presence of Lu Deng. I’ve fallen asleep many a time watching his boring ass play ball. He’s like Tayshaun Prince without all the flash.

BROKEASS: “Luuuuuuuuu Deng will help you get your ZZZZZZZZ’s.”

(3) ORLANDO MAGIC VS. (6) PHILADELPHIA SEVENTY-SIXERS

The Sixers smell defeat.

DUBBS: I don’t believe in Orlando. They are sweetmeat. Hedo is injured, Rafer Alston is not Jameer Nelson, and Dwight Howard is not the dominant offensive player he should be. Teams are too often able to contain him on that end of the floor. Having said that, I don’t see the Sixers posing much of a threat. They just aren’t good. And they have gotten worse lately. D-Ho should feast inside. Orlando in 5.

BROKEASS: Philly will have the advantage at guards, but that won’t matter. Two Andres don’t equal one Dwight. I’m taking Orlando in 4. Are we done talking about this unwatchable series yet?

DUBBS: Yes. The only point of interest in this series is whether Stan Van Gundy will wear a mock turtleneck every single game. SVG – Get you some breathable fabrics and live a little, son!

(4) ATLANTA HAWKS VS. (5) MIAMI HEAT

This is the tandem the Hawks should be worried about.

BROKEASS: The top 3 in the East should’ve received First Round byes. This is the only series that matters. On paper I have to take the Hawks, but this series seems more likely to come down to these three intangibles: 1) Will D-Wade be infallible; 2) Will the referees treat D-Wade like he’s infallible; and 3) Will the Hawks self-destruct? I predict the series to be unpredictable, but am choosing Atlanta in 7.

DUBBS: Yeah, this is the one that’s up for grabs. Atlanta is a better team than Miami. But Dwyane Wade has been just disgusting. Atlanta has a tendency to fall apart a bit at times. And a Heat win would set up Lebron-Wade for Round 2. So, apologies to the always-overlooked Joe Johnson and the always-undereducated Josh Smith, but I’m picking Miami in 7.

BROKEASS: It is hard to bet against Dwyane if it comes down to Game 7. But I’m betting on an Atlanta team that thrives at home and feels like they let an upset slip away last year in Boston. Miami has too little else besides Wade. Mario Chalmers, you ain’t in Kansas anymore. Mike Bibby has too much playoff experience and too many tattoos to read. If JO somehow comes alive, that’s a different story, but we all know in this world, when you’re dead you stay dead.

DUBBS: Too little else besides Wade? Um… hello? Mike ‘Be Easy” Beasley? Jo-el “son of Jor-el, brother of Kal-el” Anthony? AKA The Gazelle? Udonis “Udonis Haslem” Haslem? And JO is a soldier. He lives to come up short in moments like this. No, it’s all on Wade. If Atlanta can keep Wade under 30 for a game or two, they’ll win. But I don’t think they can do it.

That’s all for the East. Western Conference First Round picks coming up.

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STFU! of the Week: Stan Van Gundy

"Seriously, washboard abs, man. G'head, touch 'em."

Earlier this week, Ron Jeremy look-alike, mock-turtleneck aficionado, and coach of the Orlando Magic Stan Van Gundy decided to take a shot at the New York Knicks for never hiring his current assistant coach (and former Knicks great) Patrick Ewing. Said fatty:

“I’m not trying to needle anybody or tell them their business,” Van Gundy said after Orlando beat the Knicks 106-102. “What’s amazing is they honor the guy, I don’t know, every year. They honor him, but while they’ve got a lot of ex-players in their organization, they’ve never made any move to try to hire him. That to me is amazing.”

This strange diatribe (slamming another team for not hiring a guy you currently employ?) came only weeks after the incident in which he decided to put Shaq on blast during a press conference for flopping. Which of course led to Shaq overreacting and trying to publicly ruin Van Gundy’s reputation, using his usual method: Always bring a gun to a tickle fight. At the time, my sympathies lay with Van Gundy. However, after this latest outburst, my sympathies for Van Gundy have disappeared faster than his penis beneath that massive gut of his (fat jokes – yeah, we got ‘em).

Why did this guy decide it was time for him to start jacking off at the mouth all of the sudden? How is it his business who the Knicks decide to hire? Or how a player from another team plays? Who appointed him great righter-of-NBA-wrongs? Phil Jackson and Larry Brown pull this kind of crap once in a while but they’re two of the winning-est coaches in basketball history. They’ve earned the right to annoy us with their nonsense from time to time. Stan Van Gundy is a decent coach who’s never won a damn thing, couldn’t even make it out of the Eastern Conference Finals with Dwyane Wade and Shaquille O’Neal. After which, he was summarily ousted from his job by Pat Riley, as it seemed no one believed Van Gundy could get them to the next level.

Sit down, bitch. I got this.

From my understanding, based solely on speculative and uncredited internet gossip, Patrick Ewing is a lot more invested in flirting with cheerleaders than coaching. And Ewing was brought in specifically to help Dwight Howard develop his game. What use would the Knicks have for this kind of specialized coaching? Is Ewing going to help Eddy Curry work on his cankles?

Stan Van Gundy has the most dominant center in the league in Dwight Howard and he can’t get out of the second round, so he should keep his mouth shut.

Congratulations, Stan Van Gundy, you are A Fennis For Dembo’s SHUT THE FUCK UP! of the week.

Stan Van Gundy prepares for his heart attack.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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