Mean-Muggin’ It

Look at that picture.  According to ESPN, that picture is supposed to be evidence of how the Cavs are all business this post-season, as opposed to their light-hearted (gay) demeanor all season long.  Now they’re “focused like never before,” as evidenced by their “playoff glares.”

Please.  That picture looks like the poster for some low rent production of “Of Mice And Men” starring Shaq as ‘Lennie’ and Antawn Jamison as Lennie’s younger, even more retarded brother ‘Jeebus.’  I’m not buying it.  It’s weak sauce and ESPN shouldn’t be selling it.

But this is just part of ESPN’s ongoing suckjob on Lebron and the Cavs that is only gonna get worse as the Playoffs continue.  Spare me.  Spare us all.  ESPN trots out one of these ‘Lebron and the Cavs are so intense this post-season’ pieces every year.  Just shut up about it and win a ring already so I can start following Australian Rules Football instead.

Yeah, what a bunch of hardasses.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Wha’ Happened?

Old bones collide.

The Playoffs are here and the high-seeded Phoenix Suns are losing to a lower-seeded team.  Gee, what a surprise.

The 3rd seed Suns dropped their first game at home against the 6th seed Blazers who are missing their best player in Brandon Roy, not to mention Greg Oden, Joel Pryzbilla, Bill Walton and Jerome Kersey.

Why do I feel like I’ve seen this movie before?  The Suns have a great season and show up in the Playoffs only to have their asses handed to them by a team that plays defense.

And without the injured Robin Lopez, the Suns are small and soft.  Every time the broadcast cut to their bench, I kept wondering why assistant coaches Bill Cartwright and Dan Majerle didn’t just suit up and get in the game.  They’re both around the same age as Juwan Howard and Grant Hill, aren’t they?

Steve Nash is a great, Hall Of Fame player and he has had a fantastic, eye-opening season, but watching him play defense is like watching your grandparents fuck:  it’s disgusting, you worry someone’s going to get hurt, and you can’t help but feel like you could do it better.

Thank you… Goodnight!

Posted by LA Dubbs

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I ♥ Quentin Richardson

KG throws some 'bows (and shits his pants???).

At the end of Boston’s  Game 1 victory over the Heat on Saturday, Kevin Garnett was ejected for throwing an elbow at Quentin Richardson during a scrum after Paul Pierce fell to the ground with a shoulder stinger.

KG claimed that Q-Rich was standing over Pierce and he was just trying to clear some room for Paul.

Q-Rich saw things a bit differently:

“I was trying to get over there to take the ball out of bounds and [Garnett] started to talk to me, so I talked back. I don’t have any business talking to him, he was on the ground crying. I don’t know what was going on, two actresses over there, that’s what they are.”

‘Two actresses’!!!  I think I just fell in love with Quentin Richardson.  The kind of love born out of a sense of deep respect between two men.

Quentin (my new life partner) wasn’t finished though.  Speak on, Q!:

“I just get surprised by people’s actions when I know them better than that. They’re not those characters they portray. They’re not who they say they are, Garnett and Pierce, they’re good basketball players and that’s about it.

“I said to Jermaine, he’s OK because I knew nobody touched him,” explained Richardson. “Is he taking another break like he does so many times? Sometimes he falls like he’s about to be out for the season and then he gets right up, that’s all I said.

“I don’t like them, and they know it.”

Good stuff.  Welcome back, Playoffs.

The league suspended Kevin Garnett one game for the elbow.  But I’m sure Rasheed Wallace will pick up the slack.

Or not.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Kenyon Martin, April Fool

Hi, my name's Kenyon. I like pranks, cool tattoos and violence.

Our old friend Kenyon Martin found himself the victim of an April Fools joke and, surprise of all surprises, he was none too happy about it. During Thursday night’s Nuggets-Blazers tilt, former Nuggets ballboy Laquan (nice!) Johnson entered the club’s locker room, took K-Mart’s keys and filled his Range Rover with buttered popcorn (hilarious!).  Bonus: K-Mart’s Range Rover has a white interior (so classy!).

K-Mart responded with his usual mix of level-headedness, diplomacy and restraint, storming into the locker room and “spewing profanities and threats at teammates and other members of the organization”:

“That ain’t no [expletive] joke,” Martin said. “I’m going to find out who did it … put my [expletive] hands on one of y’all. I’m going to put my hands on whoever did it. You better believe that. It’s [expletive] personal. You better believe it.”

Man, imagine if the popcorn had cheesy powder on it.  Bloodbath central.

Martin also added this gem:

“How ’bout if I don’t play in the playoffs until somebody tells me who did it,” Martin said more than once.

Promises, promises.  Martin has missed the last fifteen games with an injury anyway.  His fucking knees are made of buttered popcorn.  zing.

Laquan, next time you want to pull a prank on a Nugget, pick on Anthony Carter or something.  You know, someone without a long and storied history of emotional tantrums and violent outbursts.  And maybe start a little smaller.  I find that the old glue-a-quarter-to-the-floor prank generally does not lead to threats of violence.  Although with K-Mart you never know.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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Birdman Works It Out!

Here’s a piping hot Monday morning cup of strange for you:

This video plays like an infomercial for weird, breathless man worship.  (Which is the best kind of man worship, by the way.)  It’s a paean to heroic manliness.  A saga of running up steps in the early morning, clad in all-white workout gear (the uniform of champions).

And trainer/hypeman Steve Hess… what nationality is this guy?  Australian? Pygmy? Mogwai? No idea.  All I know is that I want to break bread with him.  Sit over a meal and just hash shit out, y’know?  Get a little drunk, tell some stories.

FYI, I’m that guy sleeping while someone else is getting better.  Real talk.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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White On White Crime

Lou Amundson and Kris Humphries duking it out for a spot on the All-American Cream Team:

Everyone loses.

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Josh Smith Touches On Mike Bibby

Admittedly, I’m a little late on this clip.  It’s from last week but it’s so gay, it defies an expiration date.  It’s preserved by gayness.  Or maybe it’s just nicely aged like a fine gay wine.  Mellow to the nose, a crispness on the palate, a clean, full-mouthed gayosity.  Or something.

In case you’re wondering, yes, this is a clip of Josh Smith lovingly caressing teammate Mike Bibby.

Awk-ward.  What’s the opposite of ‘No Homo?’

When Mike Bibby complained to the coaching staff about his lack of touches, I don’t think that’s what he meant, Josh Smith!  Awww, we got ZING for days up in this mug!

I have no idea what the hell is going on here.  And clearly, neither does Mike Bibby… Or does he?

Sure, his words are saying no.  But there’s a playfulness in his eyes…. a coy, come-hither quality.  You see it.  Don’t deny it.

I, for one, do not want to live in a world where two teammates can’t engage in some heavy petting during a timeout.

Mike Bibby and his crew... not gay at all.

Posted by LA Dubbs

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I’d Like to Single Eliminate the NBA Playoffs

Aaron Brooks catches a nap before the endless NBA Playoffs begin.

Dubbs, you can pretend to care about these grown-ass men if it makes you feel better about aging, but me, I’m clinging to youth until the cops yank me off.

The NCAA Tournament is like when your cool-couple friends get married and everyone eats and gets drunk and dances until the reception hall smells like the dumpster behind a Taco Bell. The only downer at the cool-couple wedding is when your lame-couple friends who are soberly having fun for entirely different reasons have to remind everyone that their upcoming wedding will be just as much fun as this one. Everyone disingenuously agrees and begins hoping for a conflicting funeral or Bris that weekend. The lame-couple wedding is the NBA Playoffs.

Now I’m not saying the NBA should invoke a single-elimination, field of 64 tournament like college has. Mostly because there aren’t 64 teams in the league, which means non-NBA teams would have to be included like Benetton Treviso or the Rio Grande Valley Vipers or the New Jersey Nets. And no one wants to see that.

I’m not sure what I think the NBA should do differently, I just know the NCAA Tournament is better. Every year one NBA team’s city gets to declare, “We won!” at the end of the NBA Playoffs. Meanwhile, one million bracket champions get to declare, “I won!” at the end of the NCAA Tournament. It all sunk in while watching the final few seconds tick off the clock in West Virginia’s second round victory over Missouri on Sunday, gasping at every guffaw and heralding every heroic from “my team,” the victorious Mountaineers. I don’t care about West Virginia. I definitely done care about Missouri. Hell, I often forget they are states let alone colleges.  And yet there I was offering the focus of a doting parent to a game between two teams that don’t matter. Why? Because it affected my bracket, and the NCAA Tournament, more than any other playoffs, is about me rooting for me.

By the way, my bracket is kicking ass, Dubbs. You should root for me, too.

Look, I know there’s something to be said for a classic seven-game slugout between great, evenly-matched teams. But I’m not the Brokeass to say it. To me, a seven-game series is just a six-game preview for the one game I wanna see. Name the greatest Game 3 in history. You can’t. The greatest Game 3 ever was sheer agony, like every other Game 3. The NCAA knows the key to keeping my attention is to leave me wanting more. NBA Playoffs, girl, you text too much.

West Virginia, I could not be happier over your victory. Now kindly please lose.

Posted by BA Brokeass

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The Stench Of Failure

Nick Young smells it.

I know everybody’s all wrapped up in March Madness right now.  I get it.  Believe me, I like watching goofy white guys from schools I’ve never heard of located in towns I don’t believe exist jack up three pointers for forty minutes as much as the next guy.  And there’s nothing quite like the thrill of watching a better team with far superior athletes lose to a team that practices against stalks of corn because their coach had a massive brain fart and forgot about the existence of the full-court press.  Hooray.  But let’s talk about the NBA, where the most skilled professionals in the world make their home.  You know, players like Andray Blatche (whoops, there goes my argument!).

Blatche, he of the forever-looming upside, has been the lone bright spot in the Washington Wizards’ season from hell, averaging 23 points and 9 boards, while shooting about 50%, since the All-Star break.  It seemed like he was finally coming into his own.  But Tuesday night, while the Wizards were on their way to losing their 12th consecutive game, Blatche was pulled for missing a defensive assignment and afterwards refused to go back in the game, supposedly telling the coaches “he just didn’t want to play.”

Coach Flip Saunders (ugh) said it was “the most disappointed I’ve ever been in 15 years with a player.”

This is coming from a guy who coached Rasheed Wallace AND the Minnesota Timberwolves.  This man once started a backcourt of Sam Cassell and Latrell Sprewell.  He coached Stephon Marbury.  These guys are paragons of disappointment. Also, um… Flip Saunders had two players suspended for the rest of this season for GUNPLAY!  You would think that would be at least the most disappointed he’d been in a player this year.  But no, Andray Blatche is apparently more disappointing.  Congrats Andray!  You done did it!  Welcome to the All-Headcase Team!  You already know the team’s coach – it’s Flip Saunders!  (Seriously, outside of Kevin Garnett and Chauncey Billups, Saunders has basically made a career out of coaching – or not coaching, if you prefer – headcases.)

I think the worst part of this story is being forced to confront the fact that Flip Saunders has been an NBA coach for 15 years.  Jesus Christ, that shit is enough to make me want to watch college basketball.  Just kidding, guys!  I’ve got the fever too!  Just don’t forget, after March Madness comes April Sadness!  Whatever the fuck that means!

BBBBLLATTTTCHHHE!!

Posted by LA Dubbs

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We Takes Our Ball And We Goes Home

Let’s be honest:  The last year or so has been rough for Michigan sports fans.  Between the rapid decline of the Pistons, the bottom falling out of the University of Michigan football program, the struggle to return to pre-sanctions relevance for the UMich basketball team, the Tigers’ woes, the Red Wings losing the Cup, and the continued shitification of the Lions, there hasn’t been a lot to cheer about.

But during Friday’s Big Ten Tournament match-up between Michigan and Ohio State, when Manny Harris hit a clutch shot to put the Wolverines up two with 2 seconds left, a little ray of light poked through the storm clouds.  Maybe, just maybe, we thought.  Eh, we should’ve known better.  And honestly, we’ve had enough:

See you at the stitch n’ bitch, lil’ homies!

Posted by MC Yarn & DJ Thimble

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